The Power of Humor: Holiness and Wonderment in Your Marriage

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Read Time: 4 minutes

Why are you so serious? Surely, you must be kidding.

This is something I would tell my younger self at the beginning stage of my marriage. Life is short (unless you’re Methuselah or Yoda) and it goes by way too quickly to get hung up on frivolous things.

My wife and I met each other in college and got married upon graduation in 2010. The engagement period was fun, and we were in the “cute” stage of love. Everything was new and we were still learning more and more about each other’s lives.

I was first attracted by her energetic and enthusiastic personality.

One day I was entering the cafeteria when I heard an audible “snort” followed by the most beautiful and funny laughter I ever heard. I turned to see a gathering of students at “The Big Table” (it consisted of 5+ regular sized rectangular tables pushed together).

An array of people joined “The Big Table” over the course of that year. This was my introduction to this wonderful community of dinner and fellowship. Here I started a friendship with my future wife. And it led to the formation of many other lasting friendships.

Humor Makes You Humble

Why am I rambling on about a large dining room table? What does it have to do with marriage and marriage prep?

The foundation of any successful marriage is faith. In the summer before my sophomore year, I entrusted myself to God with this goal and desire: to find my future wife.

Little did I know I had already met her.

Finding her at “The Big Table” was the first step. We became friends during my freshman year. God’s timing is impeccable and often surprising. He can give to us quickly or make us wait for years. In this case, my vocation was realized fast.

According to the Catechism of the Catholic Church paragraph #150,

“Faith is first of all a personal adherence of man to God. At the same time, and inseparably, it is a free assent to the whole truth that God has revealed. As personal adherence to God and assent to his truth, Christian faith differs from our faith in any human person. It is right and just to entrust oneself wholly to God and to believe absolutely what he says. It would be futile and false to place such faith in a creature.”

My parents instilled in me the importance of trusting in God. They didn’t need to use their words often. They passed on this truth through their witness of love (to each other AND God) in the sacrament of marriage.

I had a solid foundation to build my marriage on. However, I assumed that marriage was easy. Early on in my own marriage, I learned how difficult it is. Looking back, I recall getting into too many arguments with my wife over little matters (they seemed big at the time).

Work schedule, chores, and other daily tasks that led to a difference of opinion. I didn’t always act with humility and grace.

Reality is Funny and Odd

Taking things too seriously and letting my pride get in the way made the first few years of my marriage less blissful than I anticipated. And then 2014 hit.

This was the year everything crumbled.

Life hit my wife and I with a barrage of trials. Our daughter developed health needs, new jobs and a new house led to many stressful situations. On top of that, we suffered a devastating loss that November; we lost our unborn child hours after hearing his heartbeat. This loss impacted my wife immediately. It didn’t hit me until months later. Feelings of grief I failed to grapple with led to an emotional, mental, and spiritual collapse.

I was angry with God.

While I didn’t question his existence, I doubted His goodness and providence.

The only thing that saved our marriage during this time was our faith. It was our firm foundation to stand on even when we couldn’t “stand up” long without falling. Sharing a similar style of humor helped my wife and I weather the storm too. The family that prays together stays together. And I think the family that also laughs together is even stronger!

On the toughest of days, we sent each other funny memes or texted the hilarious things our kids said. Laughter is a means to holiness. Saint Philip Neri (the patron saint of humor) wrote, “A joyful heart is more easily made perfect than a downcast one.”

Now this advice wouldn’t have meant much to me in the middle of our suffering.

Through trials, I have realized that God will save me again and again. He transformed my pain from a sorrowful suffering to a joyful suffering.

Humor is an important way to reflect on God’s goodness. When you think about it, this world is so strange that it’s kind of funny. Just think about the anatomy of the platypus.

The Sacrament of Marriage Leads to Wonderment

Marriage also inspires you wonder about even greater realities. Saint John Chrysostom said, “When a husband and wife are united in marriage, they no longer seem like something earthly, but rather like the image of God himself.”

The love between spouses is to reflect the love shared between the Three Persons of the Holy Trinity.

God is Love and His love is everlasting. Sacramental marriages are to be mirrors of this divine love. Whether you’re currently going through marriage prep or have been married several years, it’s important to look to God as your firm foundation.

Ask God to help strengthen your marriage. Go to Eucharistic Adoration at least once a month, and make prayer a regular part of your life.

When you deepen your prayer life as a couple, you will find greater wonderment in your vocation. You will learn more about your spouse. And you will discover saints to help aid you in the journey. My wife and I suffered another miscarriage in 2017, and in spring 2018 we were pregnant again.

Signs were pointing to another miscarriage. We sought the intercession of Saints Teresa of Avila, Catherine of Siena, and Gerard of Majella. When she was born, my wife’s doctor called our youngest child a miracle. These saints have continued to be a part of our family in daily life. We ask for their intercession every night before going to sleep.

The sacrament of marriage helped my wife and I deepen our love for God, and it led to us develop friendships with several saints. And the beauty of this Sacrament? God will give you similar graces to grow in holiness. Trust God, don’t be too serious, and laugh often. Your future self will thank you.

Author: Matt Chicoine — The Simple Catholic

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Cold Feet or Call it Off

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Read Time: 5 minutes

What if I’m having doubts about getting married?

The engagement period is marked by several emotional highs: the thrill of announcements, anxiety about mounting costs, and the mad dash to get everything done. Couples will ride the roller coaster of those highs and lows all the way to the altar and even through the honeymoon.

During this time, it’s totally normal to experience conflict with your partner and even have some doubts about marriage. But how do you know whether your doubts are a normal part of making one of the biggest decisions of your life or a sign that you may be making a huge mistake?

Doubts are part of good decision-making.

Every thoughtful decision should come with an honest evaluation of the choice. You may have said yes to a proposal based on emotions that felt like 100% certainty, but that feeling can’t last. Once you start doing the work of being engaged (yes, it’s actually a lot of work), part of that work is moving closer to certainty based on facts rather than just emotion.

While you’re planning your wedding and going through the marriage preparation process at your parish, you’ll face many choices and tough questions. You may find yourselves squabbling over who to invite to the wedding, and you may be asked to talk about aspects of your past, family life, and personality that hadn’t yet surfaced in your dating relationship.

All of these situations should be opportunities for you to “try on” what married life will be like and discover how you’ll handle these things as a couple. In fact, conflict should be welcomed during engagement so you can learn how your partner responds to you when things aren’t going well and whether or not you can resolve things in a healthy way.

Conflict is an opportunity to test the relationship

The idea that healthy couples don’t fight is a myth. The opposite is actually true; couples who repress disappointment, disapproval, and disagreement to avoid conflict inhibit their ability to move into a deeper, healthier relationship.

While constant arguing certainly isn’t the goal, both partners should feel free to express their opinions and should be growing in their ability to work through disagreements in ways that make each of them feel heard, valued, and considered. Couples experiencing conflict during engagement shouldn’t be concerned that they are facing struggles. They should be concerned when those struggles reveal unhealthy patterns. Learning how to work through disagreements is a valuable skill healthy couples will use over and over again during their marriage.

How do you know you’re not ready?

When conflict arises during engagement, it can be a sign that you simply need to work through some issues, learn better methods of communication, or get to know each other better. Stress has a way of bringing things to the surface that don’t come up when everything is going well. Certain character traits and coping mechanisms are difficult to hide when we’re stressed out.

When engaged couples begin to see and experience these new sides of their partners, it presents new challenges to navigate in the relationship. How you handle those challenges can help you determine how compatible you actually are, and even if you’re really ready for marriage.

Here are a few red flags to pay attention to:

  • Inability to resolve conflict: When disagreements arise, you feel ignored, humiliated, or insulted for your desire to work things out.
  • Unhealthy coping mechanisms: You or your partner resort to substances, pornography, gambling, or work to avoid dealing with conflict or actively taking part in wedding planning and preparation.
  • Overwhelming pressure: You feel crushed by the pressure to please your partner, family, and/or spiritual leaders. You feel you have to have the perfect relationship and the perfect wedding, and you base your decisions on what others want rather than considering your own emotional, spiritual, and physical needs.
  • Secrets: You or your partner are hiding a significant incident or piece of information from one another, for fear that it would destroy the relationship. This could be anything that makes you feel shame, such as a past relationship, financial debt, or a medical issue.
  • Resistance to spiritual preparation: When you’re seeking marriage in the Catholic Church, you’re preparing to receive a sacrament. This is a deeply meaningful act that requires certain steps to fulfill. If either partner is resistant or apathetic about these responsibilities, it needs to be addressed.

How to get help with pre-wedding doubts?

If you’re dealing with any of the above red flags, or anything else that’s causing you to question whether marriage is still the right decision, the best thing to do is ask for help. As uncomfortable as it may feel, you’ll need an outside perspective.

Help can range from clergy and professional counselors to a long-time married couple in your parish, family, or friend circle. Connecting with clergy and/or a mentor couple is part of the marriage preparation process at many parishes, but it can be valuable to go to a variety of sources for a broader source of wisdom and support. In Church environments, this is called ‘discernment’, the art of separating, analyzing, and deciding the best course of action. All this is done in a prayerful state of mind with the help of a Spiritual Director or mentor.

If your marriage prep doesn’t include connecting one-on-one with clergy or a mentor couple, or you feel like you need a broader perspective, you’ll have to be proactive about seeking help.

Here are some online resources that can help you find a qualified Catholic counselor:

You can also search your local diocese website for information about counseling services from regional Catholic Charities or Catholic Human Services organizations.

Here are a few things to consider when choosing a mentor couple to connect with:

  • Have you experienced the couple in a variety of settings, and do they have a marriage you’d like to emulate?
  • Do they seem to have healthy relationships with their parish community, family, and friends?
  • Are they open and non-judgemental? Do they operate as people of grace and mercy?
  • Are you comfortable opening up to them? Do you trust they will be confidants?
  • Do they share your faith and values about marriage as a Sacrament and lifelong commitment?
  • Are they recognized as leaders in your parish or recommended as mentors by clergy? If you are unsure, ask your priest or deacon.

Friends and family are also a valuable part of your support system, but it’s okay to look beyond that circle for a bigger perspective. Dealing with serious doubts about your upcoming marriage should require as much help as you need from whatever sources you’re comfortable with.

What if you have to call off the wedding?

If you’re trying to make things work, you’ve reached out to others, and you’re still having significant doubts, it may be time to postpone or call off the wedding. This decision will never be easy, but it could be the best one to make.

If your relationship is worth working on, taking the pressure of the impending wedding date off the calendar can free you up to grow individually and as a couple. While canceling your wedding can usher in feelings of grief, failure, and embarrassment, it may also open the door for relief, focus, and healing. Those feelings should worked through if you truly want to strengthen a relationship worth saving and let go of a relationship that needed to end.

If you find yourself in a situation where the red flags were warning signs of an unhealthy marriage, you may want to consider individual counseling to help identify areas in your own life where growth would be beneficial. This work on your personal development will make you more likely to pass over future partners who have the same issues and move toward healthier companions both platonic and romantic.

Your wedding day should be the day you commit yourself to a partner you trust, someone you can rely on, and the person you can grow closer to every day – even after conflict. If you can’t enter into that commitment freely and wholeheartedly, it’s okay to push the pause button until you know for sure.

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New Finances Production

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Read Time: 2 minutes

What do engaged couples need to know about finances during marriage prep?

This is a big question to answer. Especially considering the diversity of couples who get married in the Catholic Church.

Did you know the average age of couples taking our online Catholic marriage prep course is 30?

We also serve couples who are widowed and entering into a second marriage, some are forming blended families, and some are already retired. We also have our share of twenty-somethings who are embarking on married life straight from their parent’s homes and financial protection.

That means we’re talking to couples on a spectrum that ranges from no experience managing money all the way up to experienced and wondering, “Why are they making me learn this?”

Finances Segment in Our Online Pre-Cana Program

We believe that a good Pre-Cana course will evoke curiosity and discussion because there is no way to cover every aspect of every subject a couple will face in a life together. So, when we updated the finances segment in Living Our Faith In Love we started with the Spiritual Principles of Money Management.

The new segment starts by unpacking our value as human beings created by God, and it explains how our understanding of our value can shape the way we view and handle our finances.

As presenters in the segment, Chris and I (Jessie) have learned time and time again that the root of our money struggles and fights is often a desire to find meaning and purpose in material things rather than our standing in Christ.

When we got curious about those struggles and started to talk about them, we gained the skills to navigate our challenges in new ways. That’s what we hope to pass along to the couples taking this course, and we hope we’ve been able to do that no matter what their experience is handling finances.

The new segment also includes tips on how to talk about money, how to resolve conflict, and a few practical tools we’ve used over the years to stay organized and steward our resources responsibly.

We had a great time preparing for and presenting this segment, and we hope couples taking Living Our Faith In Love enjoy it too. Even after 27+ years of marriage, we’re still learning how to spend, save, and share what we’ve been blessed with.

Whether you’re just starting out or you’re blending established portfolios with your partner, we pray that you’ll enjoy this new edition to our online Catholic marriage prep class!

– Chris & Jessie Wiegand

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A Shared Approach to Natural Family Planning

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Read Time: 4 minutes

Red light, green light.

It’s a game I’ve seen some couples play as their approach to using Natural Family Planning (NFP). The woman attends most or all of the teaching sessions for the chosen method of NFP, she diligently charts and asks her instructor questions, and then she tells her husband if it’s a “go day” or a “no day.”

Can this system work? Sure, but I don’t think anyone really likes to be the gatekeeper, especially when it comes to intercourse.

Marriage involves sharing life with another person and helping get each other to Heaven. Understanding and taking care of your fertility can be part of that sanctifying, shared work. Prayerfully planning your family is a big responsibility, and it is one that should be shared. If you’re thinking about using NFP as a couple and wonder what it looks like and if it’s worth it, let’s dive into the details!

Objections to Sharing the Responsibility of Natural Family Planning

There are some objections I’ve seen with sharing the work of NFP. Some couples think they don’t have time to learn the system together. If you are engaged, you’ve got a million things you’re planning for the wedding. When are you meeting with your mentor couple? Did you call your parish back home to get your Baptism certificate sent over? Then, there’s the cake and the flowers and the seating chart and….the list goes on.

Those things seem so big, and they do matter.

However, the investments you make in your marriage during engagement will have huge ripple effects.

It’s easier to learn a method while you’re engaged and can get a handle on it before you try to use it for achieving or avoiding pregnancy. If you learn the method together, you’ll both feel confident using it once you’re married.

If you’re already married, you might have kids and worry about learning the system with them around. There are multiple solutions for this. Maybe you have someone who can help out with childcare. Maybe you can schedule an online session for after bedtime. The investment is worth your time and some creative planning.

Is Natural Family Planning Too Complicated?

Some couples also object to getting into the nitty gritty of biomarkers. Different methods of NFP track different signs of fertility or a combination of them. There’s basal body temperature, LH strips, monitoring hormone levels in urine, cervical positioning, cervical mucus, etc. One or both spouses might be hesitant to discuss these intimate bodily functions and biomarkers. They’re not glamorous. However, I like to say if you can talk about mucus, you can talk about anything.

Marriage involves talking about a lot of difficult topics. It’s not easy to talk about finances, communication, boundaries, relationships with extended family, etc. It takes practice to get used to navigating difficult conversations with your spouse. NFP and the details of the tracking process are some of these conversations. And let’s be real, marriage and parenthood involve messy bodily functions. Cleaning up a potty-training accident or the aftermath of a  stomach bug is not glamorous either.

How Can Men Help With NFP?

If you’re still on the fence about this whole shared use of NFP thing, I want to talk to the men specifically. You can help lead your family to holiness by sharing the everyday duties of NFP with your wife. Your role as a husband is to support your wife. You are partners on the road to Heaven. You are called to model for your children and those around you what it means to be a man of faith and a loving and supporting father and husband. As Ephesians 5:25 says,  “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her.”

That’s a tall order. Remember that marriage is a Sacrament. God will pour his grace into your marriage to enable you to live this call. “So [also] husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one hates his own flesh but rather nourishes and cherishes it, even as Christ does the church.” (Ephesians 28-29). What more beautiful way to live out this call than to cherish and deeply know your wife’s fertility?

Natural Family Planning is About Both of You

While NFP methods focus on the biomarkers of the woman’s fertility, they’re really about the couple’s fertility. Men, in general, are always fertile. Women’s fertility changes throughout their cycles and their lives. However, the only meaningful thing to discuss is the couple’s fertility. It is the couple who will together, as one family unit, one body, try to achieve or postpone a pregnancy. Look at charting as a way to understand your shared fertility as a couple.

If you’re now ready to take on NFP as a team, here are some practical tips. First, attend the teaching sessions together so you both have the knowledge to use NFP well. In some situations, the woman will have learned a method of charting prior to engagement. If this is the case, it would be wise to set up some meetings with the woman’s instructor during the engagement. This will be a refresher for the woman, get the man up to speed, and allow both to ask any questions. Both the man and woman should read any educational materials for learning their chosen method.

Can Men Do the Charting?

It’s also my personal recommendation that the man does the charting and recording. This works best after the wedding, and the couple can begin by doing the charting together. Two sets of eyes are better than one! After the wedding, the husband can transition into taking the lead on the charting. He can provide encouragement and reminders and ask his wife what her observations for that day were. He can encourage her and ask what he can do to support her when she feels overwhelmed with a difficult chart or is adjusting to charting during a new season of life.

By sharing the responsibilities of Natural Family Planning, couples can work as a team to care for and know their fertility.

1. Introductory Session to the Creighton Model FertilityCare System

Article by Julie McKay, Groesbeck Fertility Care Center

 

NFP Life™ featuring Dr. Danielle & Kyle Koestner — This six-part video series is an overview, witness, and introduction to the beauty and science of Natural Family Planning. Watch the trailer below and have your couples register here.

 

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My Journey With NFP in Real Life

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Read Time: 3 minutes

From single, to used, to married…

My journey with NFP in real life has been anything but linear.

A loop-de-loop would be a more appropriate term.

Even before marriage, I was encouraged by a Catholic mentor to proactively begin charting my menstrual cycles. Learning about my body’s cyclical nature was empowering, and it helped me discover my PCOS diagnosis! It was also fascinating to become aware of the intricacies of God’s design for a woman’s body.

Unfortunately, there was a time in my life when that knowledge was completely discarded, and what had started as an insightful journey was exchanged for someone else’s pleasure.

Trading NFP and Chastity for a Toxic Relationship

In my early twenties, I joyfully moved to the Twin Cities in Minnesota to pursue my master’s degree and be closer to my boyfriend. After five months in a big city far from home, my application was denied, and I was single.

During this low season, I met a man that I KNEW was no good for me, but it felt so nice to have some playful dates to take my mind off of the heartache I felt. However, it wasn’t long until things took a drastic turn.

This man quickly revealed that he could be both manipulative and controlling, and I felt swept along in a current that I couldn’t get out of. Before long, we were having a one-sided sexual relationship. I threw my years of charting and learning about my body out the window when he wanted sex. He had no interest in Natural Family Planning (NFP) and would put on a condom while he proceeded to use me.

It was dehumanizing, on many levels. This behavior continued for several months, and it wasn’t until I became pregnant (with twins!) that I made a heartfelt return to God, and He equipped me with the courage to escape.

Relearning Healthy Sexuality

Fast forward a few years (and several stories) later, and the twins and I are in a safe space. I became reacquainted with myself by resuming charting and learning my body’s new patterns (because postpartum can look different!). I also met the wonderful man who would become my husband.

When we began dating, I was very clear that NFP was important to me, and I invited him to explore it as well. He was open-minded and so supportive even though NFP was new to him.

After our marriage, it bolstered my confidence even more to see how he actively observed what my body was doing and participated alongside me in the journey of NFP.

While trying to conceive (TTC), there would be hilarious times when he would read the ClearBlue monitor and exclaim “It says peak!” as he hoisted me right back into the bed.

Reclaiming My Sexuality

Now, my husband and I have been learning to work together to discern whether we should try to wait (TTW) or TTC.

My body is respected and listened to, and as a result I feel more at home in my body.

I still grieve for the times in the past when I allowed myself to be used, but I also rejoice in how I am currently being honored.

Upon further reflection, I praise God for how He redeemed a situation that was not His will and turned it into a path for two people to come together in a way that respects His design for life.

NFP Life™ featuring Dr. Danielle & Kyle Koestner — This six-part video series is an overview, witness, and introduction to the beauty and science of Natural Family Planning. Watch the trailer below and register here.

 

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Looking for a Parish Community

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Read Time: 2 minutes

A Message to Newlyweds

Congratulations on your wedding!

The two of you have entered a lifetime covenant by joining your lives in the sacred union of marriage. Even though this may sound very scary and challenging, you are not alone on this journey! You have so many people praying for you. Family and friends can be great support, but you also need the support of a parish community!

A parish community can be a great source of companionship on the journey you have just begun as a family. The beauty of joining a parish community and finding other like-minded families, is that you and your whole family can develop friendships that may last a lifetime.

Maybe you don’t have a parish community yet, and the church where you celebrated your wedding is not your parish. These are the things you need to consider before joining a parish community:

  • Worship style: Different parishes offer different styles of music, prayer, etc. Find the parish that offers what you like in terms of liturgy, prayer, and music.
  • Number of parishioners: Some parishes are huge in numbers, and they have several Masses throughout the weekend. Other parishes are very small, ‘everyone knows everyone’. Where do you feel more comfortable?
  • Ministries/groups: Look at that parish’s bulletin or website, and see if they offer ministries, groups, or activities for families or young couples.

Once you have reflected and prayed about these aspects, the following steps will help you find the right parish community:

  1. First and foremost, look at what’s nearby, look at where you live, and identify the parishes that are nearby.
  2. Visit those parishes by going to Sunday Mass. After you have visited a few parishes in your area, identify where you felt most welcomed and which one offered a more supportive environment for your family.
  3. Pick up the parish bulletin, visit their website. Introduce yourself to the pastor and/or the Family Life Minister.
  4. Walk around the church after Mass, see if they have coffee and donuts or breakfast, or a place where the community gathers before/after Mass. This is a great way to get to know other families in the area.
  5. Join a Bible study group, prayer group, couples’ group, etc. Become active in your parish!

Finding the right parish community is important for a newlywed couple because it will provide a place where you do more than worship on Sundays. Your parish should be the place where your faith as a newly established family will grow and flourish.

Peace and Blessings as you begin your journey!

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Book Review – The Good, The Messy, and The Beautiful

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Read Time: 3 minutes

Book Title: The Good, The Messy, and the Beautiful

Authors: Dr. Edward and Beth Sri

Book Review

Who Should Read It?

This book is great for engaged or married couples who want to learn from the experience of a couple married over 20 years. It’s written from the co-authors’ (Edward and Beth) personal perspective and feels like you are engaging in an open, honest, and thoughtful conversation with them about different aspects of marriage.

“God wants to meet us in the messiness of ordinary married life.”

What You’ll Learn:

  • How to determine if you’re being unrealistic about what marriage is and how it will benefit your life.
  • The Catholic definition of love.
  • The real power of the sacrament of Matrimony.
  • What married life looks like in everyday life.
  • How your selfishness will affect your marriage.
  • How to recognize true intimacy and encourage its growth.
  • What Christ can teach you about himself through your marriage.

Why is It relevant?

Edward and Beth have communicated some of the simplest yet profound aspects of the marital relationship, things that couples who discover them know by intuition yet struggle to work into everyday conversation with other couples. This insight comes from a combination of their education, devotion, and circumstances, along with a keen observance of their own human natures and their response to God’s grace.

The book is a dialogue that Catholic couples in all stages of relationships should be having, and it will provide plenty of fuel for growth-inspiring conversations between couples who read and contemplate it together.

“Only God can take us to that next level of union and love called marriage.”

How Does the Authors’ Insight Illuminate the Topic?

Honest – Edward relates personal stories with openness and accepts responsibility for his role in the marriage. His revelations offer hope, not shame, and he positions himself as a student, always learning.

“I realized that the main way I help Beth get to heaven has little to do with my high ideals of being a great Catholic husband and spiritual leader of the home. The main way I actually help Beth get to heaven is this: every day of her life, Beth has to deal with me!”

Realistic – Beth doesn’t shy away from talking about the hard aspects of mothering, the never-ending piles of laundry and wearisome moments with crying or vomiting children, but she doesn’t leave the reader there. After courageously sharing those and other difficult aspects of motherhood and marriage, she guides the conversation back to Jesus.

“… when I die to my personal comfort, interests, and desires in order to give myself away in love to my spouse and children, I don’t lose in the end. My life is more deeply enriched. I am learning to love like Christ loves.”

If You Only Read One Chapter:

Chapter 13 – First Things First: Giving Your Best to Your Vocation

The Heart of the Matter:

Even after nearly 27 years of marriage, I was reminded while reading The Good, the Messy, and the Beautiful that my husband and I are still continuing to grow in our ability to love one another like Jesus loves.

My biggest takeaway was tucked away in the book’s conclusion: there is a font of grace available to married couples.

Like the Sri’s, my husband and I have been purified through many challenges over the years, and we know there are many more to come. The purification process has made our marriage strong, forged a loyal friendship, and enabled trust-filled intimacy. However, there are still impurities that need to rise to the surface and be scraped away. The work of God’s grace in our marriage is ongoing, and receiving it will enable us to love more, give more, share more.

I’m grateful to the Sri’s for reminding me of Christ’s active presence in our marriage, and I believe this book is a valuable tool for building a strong understanding of the realities and beauty of marriage in any stage of life.

“By freely choosing to give up our freedom to do whatever we want, we discover an even greater freedom: the freedom to love.”

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Pray Fast Give

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Read Time: 2 minutes

As we near the middle of the Lenten season, couples may find themselves in a variety of positions. Some have experienced greater connection as they practice the spiritual disciplines of prayer and fasting together, some may be experiencing conflict if one partner has proved to be more devoted than the other, and some may feel that they haven’t made many changes at all – the Lenten season may just be business as usual.

Regardless of where you find yourselves, it’s never too late to recommit yourself to prayer, fasting, and charity. Here are some simple tips for practicing the three basic principles of Lent as a couple.

Pray

Praying together as a couple requires trust and vulnerability. If this is an area that you and your spouse have achieved intimacy, then setting aside time to pray during Lent is important. This is also a great time to create a prayer calendar or prayer list, so you can be more intentional about this time.

The USCCB has a downloadable prayer calendar HERE that can help you focus and inspire your prayers.

If praying together is new for you, or only one of you is comfortable praying, a great way to get started is by using the Hallow app. This app includes directed daily prayers for Lent along with multiple options for praying through scripture, praying the rosary, or meditating on the writings of the saints. This is a wonderful way for couples to quietly come together in prayer while being led by fellow Catholics.

Fast

One of the beautiful benefits of fasting is the way it creates space for spiritual growth. Setting aside earthly pleasures in the form of food, entertainment, and activity can open your heart and your schedule to God. Couples can fast together by refraining from the same things or by supporting one another in their chosen fasts. They can also make time for solitude so they each have time alone with God.

Fasting isn’t just about abstaining from something; it is also about using the absence of something we find pleasure in to create a longing for God. Prayer goes hand-in-hand with fasting because it is the perfect place to find refuge when your desire for comfort isn’t being met by your favorite food, game, or app. Couples can support each other by acknowledging the challenges they may face while fasting and encouraging one another to persevere.

Give

There are so many wonderful ways to give during the Lenten season. Lent may also be the perfect time to reflect on what you do to make giving a permanent part of your life. While fasting, you may discover a surplus in your budget because you’re spending patterns have changed, and in prayer, you may have felt a pull to a specific cause or group of people in your community.

Giving that’s inspired by prayer and fasting feels different from obligatory offerings, and couples who make a plan for giving can experience a lot of joy when they give of their time and/or money together. Lent is the perfect time for couples to reflect on what their response will be to God’s amazing grace.

A Time for Renewal

Whether this is your first Lent together as a couple or one of many, we pray it’s a time of renewal for each of you as individuals and also as a family. We also pray that through prayer, fasting, and giving, you are drawn nearer to your parish community and given a fresh desire to celebrate the sacraments.

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National Marriage Week Advice

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Read Time: 5 minutes

For National Marriage Week, we asked ministry leaders and married couples, “What is one important thing couples need to know in their first year of marriage?”

Here are some of our favorite replies:

One thing Mike and I have learned is that communication is key. Whether that’s communicating your goals, your feelings, your likes and your dislikes, it is so important. An open and honest line of communication prevents any misunderstandings and assumptions. You always hear “communication is key”, but there truly is a lot of truth to that.

We have also learned how important it is to be on the same page when it comes to decision-making. We aren’t always, but anytime that we aren’t, we’re able to compromise.

And lastly, but maybe most importantly, we pray. We pray together and on our own time. Our spiritual journey as a unit gets stronger and stronger. We remind ourselves that God won’t do the work for us. Mike and I have to do the work in our marriage and ask for help when we need it – and God hears us. He has helped us more times than I can count. Talking to Him has brought a lot of peace in our relationship.

Those three things have made our marriage very strong. We are going on three years of marriage and have already overcome a lot of obstacles. Through all of those obstacles, nothing about our love for each other has changed. We never place blame, we never distance, and we always say “I love you”.

Sydney and Mike – Married 2+ years – Pittsburgh, PA

Develop a habit of mutual prayer.

Retired Priest – Anonymous

Be intentional. Choose love every day. Be active in communicating, regrouping, and continuing to know and respond to each other more effectively every day. Care for your marriage like you care for any living thing….attend to its needs, feed it, love it, and above all spend time on it.

Dianne Vadney – Family Ministry Coordinator – Manitowoc WI

You are never alone, as a person, as a couple. Christ is always there, along with other Sacramental Married Couples.

From: Dcn. Adrian Jimenez – Director of Marriage and Family Life – Lubbock Diocese

You must always have love, respect, and a sense of humor in your marriage, but not necessarily in that order!  Sometimes having that sense of humor, learning to laugh together, is just as important.  Having all three (love, respect, humor) can make for many happy memories in the years to come.

Barbara & Jim McAloon – Pre-Cana Hosts – Washington, NJ

Learn to accept his/her whole being including his/her whole family. Always ask guidance to our Loving Almighty God the Father in everything you do. Make “God ” the center of your married life. Understand each other’s weaknesses, and praise all beautiful things he/she makes.

Lorna & Brian –  Married 17 years – City of SJDM

Remember your vows, always give more than you take, always say I love you and mean it. Life can change in a split second, and forever never feels like long enough when you love someon. Take the good days with the bad days because many more of both are to come!!! COMMUNICATE!!!!  LISTEN!!! Don’t lose yourself, but remember to grow with your partner too!!!

Jamie and Zatch – Married 1 year – Bluffton

Manage your spending, and discuss issues or concerns quickly not allowing it to pile up.

Blessing & Larry – Married 2 Years – Chicago

When you get stuck, ask for help when you need it. It’s a strength to ask for help, not a weakness. Start by asking God to bring you the best people to help you with your marriage.

Sharon Witzell – Program Coordinator, Office of Marriage and Family Life – Wichita, Kansas

Please be careful when buying a TV. TVs can be super addictive, and please never put a TV in the bedroom. The bedroom is your holiest place in the house; please keep it sacred.

From: Alex and Kristene – Married 1 year – Toronto, Canada

Good question: What’s one important thing couples need to know in their first year of marriage?

  • Remember to pray, pray, pray together (each day…) and listen to each other “with heart”…
  • Remember to “see” the other in charity (with love)  – In other words, recognize the ‘image of God’ in their beloved (especially in facing trials and difficult moments). We are longing to be seen with ‘eyes of love’ (as God sees each one of us…)
  • Always affirm one another. Remembering these simple words “You are worth much!” (When we begin a conversation with an affirmation or a little ‘thanksgiving prayer’,  it paves the way for a healthy conversation when disagreements rise in the day-to-day living. We are imperfect and make mistakes. Learning to walk with each other “in good times and in not-so-good times.”

I offer a little prayer that my beloved (husband) Tony and I pray each day:

Prayer of Spouses for Each Other
Lord Jesus, grant that I and my spouse may have a true and understanding love for each other.
Grant that we may both be filled with faith and trust.
Give us the grace to live with each other in peace and harmony.
May we always bear with one another’s weaknesses and grow from each other’s strengths.
Help us to forgive one another’s failings and grant us patience, kindness, cheerfulness,
And the spirit of placing the well-being of one another ahead of self.
May the love that brought us together grow and mature with each passing year.
Bring us both ever closer to You through our love for each other.
Let our love grow to perfection. Amen.

Mrs. Socorro Truchan – Diocese of Kalamazoo – CFLA

This exciting time of Marriage Prep is not only preparing the couple for a day or for a “picture”, it is a lifetime tool that they will be acquiring through all steps of Preparation. It’s so important that the couple realize they are trying to be equipped with valuable information that will help them through their marriage.

It’s also very important and personal experience. They need to find a group to join for example: marriage group, group of Christian families, Bible study, etc. Why? We are so busy… we as couples need to grow in our faith day by day.

Araceli Gutierrez – St. Joseph, Denver

Remember that you are both on the same team. As tense as some arguments may be, your spouse is not your enemy. Keeping this in mind can help to resolve conflicts faster and also deepen your relationship!

Deanna Johnston – Director of Family Life – Tyler, TX

That first year, patience with your spouse is a must! At least more so than usual. It’s going to be a learning experience for both of you. Patience and grace!

Azury and Armando Gutiérrez – Married 2 years – Encino, CA

Invest in your marriage — start when your love and devotion for one another are at an all-time high. Take classes to help your marriage succeed. Surround yourself with like-minded couples who believe in marriage and desire to have a strong foundation.

Above all else, realize that it is by the Grace of God that the two of you are called to a healthy marriage — and that atmosphere of grace compels you to put in the work to make your marriage extraordinary.

Gordon & Regina – 12 Years – Michigan

I think couples need to understand that there could be an adjustment period, and it can be very trying. Being from different upbringings and cultures could lead to a culture shock within the marriage. It is also important to “look for the flowers“. What that means is that each of them would have some flowers and some garbage (using the bee vs the fly). Prioritize your spouse’s good qualities over their bad when thinking of them and trying to adjust to your new dynamic.

Another important thing is to protect the image of your spouse that you project to others, especially your extended family members. Keep more in and within you than you share with others.

Know your strengths and weaknesses, and work on them individually and together.

Finally, do all that you can to build the foundations for an awesome FRIENDSHIP!!!!. Marriage needs friendship a lot more than people think.

NOTE: If they are Christian, they should try to pray together and grow their faith together.

I wish I had known all these things before I went into my marriage. We wouldn’t have struggled as much as we did, but that’s okay. We are having a much better time now and are growing stronger every day

Mike and ViVi, Years married- 3 years, Abuja, Nigeria

Be brave; resist the urge to hold back when things get hard or you learn something unexpected about your spouse. Expand your capacity for love. Forgive.

Chris & Jessie – 26 yrs – Michigan

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Your Traditions (In Motion)

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Read Time: 4 minutes

In the last article, we provided questions and a worksheet to spark discussion between you and your spouse. The challenge was to come up with new holiday traditions of your own.

So… Did you do that? If not, use this handy activity sheet we made:

Download Your Traditions Activity Sheet

If so, we hope your conversations led to fruitful results! If not, don’t worry! These conversations don’t happen overnight, and honestly, they shouldn’t.

Either way, we had a blast putting together this article to provide you with some fun, out-of-the-box ideas for the Christmas season to help get you started.

Ideas for you as a couple:

Arguably the biggest challenge with making plans around the holidays is the finite amount of time that you actually have. In fact, we’re convinced that time somehow moves faster during the holidays!

The good news is that our suggestions might actually help you feel like you can slow down just a bit amidst the hustle and bustle.

The Mystery Christmas Movie Randomizer

This one’s a whole ton of fun!

All you need to do is wrap your Christmas movies in Christmas wrapping paper, and each night that you can dedicate to a movie night, unwrap a movie, grab some popcorn or other snacks, and cozy up on the couch together.

The best part about it is, even though you know your library of movies, it will still be a surprise for every movie night!

If you are digital-only folks, you can still make this work! Simply write down the movies you own or can rent digitally on pieces of paper. Pop them into a holiday vase or bowl, and draw one on movie night.

Quick side note from the folks on our team: the guys tend to think that Die Hard absolutely counts as a Christmas movie…probably the best Christmas movie ever made, BUT, the gals around here disagree. Their favorite: Elf.

Moving on…

Make Christmas Cards

This one isn’t a “new” idea by any means, but making Christmas cards together is always a good time. Get creative! Design your own, or buy cards and personalize them with a scripture that means something special.

Many nonprofits collect cards during the holidays for senior citizens, youth aging out of foster care, or inmates in correction facilities. This could be an opportunity to share cards with an organization as an act of mercy or service to those in need of hope.

No matter what you choose to do, your card-making venture can provide a fun and inexpensive activity and bless others.  Take it from the grandmas we know: a hand-written notes from a loved one wins every time!

Attend Mass Together

If attending the Christmas Eve and/or Christmas Day Mass hasn’t been a tradition of yours, we highly encourage it.

Even though you may be faithful members and attendees of your local parish, there is just something special about joining your brothers and sisters to observe and celebrate the beauty and holiness that the holiday season brings.

Your parish bulletin or website should provide dates and times for regular and special services, and you may be able to find special candle light or midnight masses on Christmas Eve at nearby churches if yours doesn’t have one.

In the digital age, some churches also offer mass via livestream. This would give you the opportunity to participate virtually from the comfort of your own home. A simple web search will let you know what’s available in your area, but here’s an option from a parish near us: https://shrinechurch.com/

Ideas for celebrating with your new family:

Now that you’re married, your family becomes your spouse’s family and vice versa. Assuming you both have good relationships with your families, it can be fun to blend some Christmas traditions between both families or create new ones.

Hot Chocolate Bar and Game Nights

If you really want to surprise your parents and in-laws, schedule a fun hot cocoa and game night on a day that isn’t the expected family Christmas party. This shows them you’re intentional about getting to know them better, and it will help your in-laws and parents get to know each other better as well.

Set up all the ingredients for hot cocoa, and go crazy with the toppings! Marshmallows, whipped cream, chocolate shavings, sprinkles, and crushed candy pieces all taste great in hot cocoa. Gather a bunch of board games that work well for getting to know new people. If you really want to see everyone’s true colors, crack open Monopoly and let the good times roll. 😉

Attend Mass Together, as a Family

As we mentioned before, if this hasn’t been a tradition of yours, or your family of origin’s, we highly recommend it.

Even if your in-laws or your own parents aren’t necessarily churchgoers, they may be more likely to accept an invitation to mass around the holidays.

Many people return to past traditions or are open to exploring religion during the holidays. It never hurts to ask!

Most of all… be present.

The holidays can become so filled with activity that we lose sight of the important things. “Trying” to be present with family and friends becomes a paradox in and of itself. The only advice we can give is to see each moment for what it is — temporary.

That’s what makes a moment special.

If it could last forever, it would become boring.

When you can, stop. Breathe. Take a look around.

There is so much beauty in the simple things.

We pray that God will bless you and keep you as you celebrate together.

We wish you a Merry Christmas and a very happy and prosperous New Year.

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