How the Pandemic Changed Engaged Catholic Couples

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Read Time: 3 minutes

In 2022, we were blessed to serve over 6,000 engaged Catholic couples from 72 countries around the world.

We recently reflected on the data collected from our course participants, and we saw a marked difference in a couple of key areas. As ministry leaders, you have likely experienced these changing demographics in your work with couples.

Here are a few things we learned about how the pandemic changed engaged Catholic couples, and how that affects marriage and family life ministry.

Average Ages:

  • Bride: 30
  • Groom: 32

What changed: The average age of both has increased by 1 year. This number has been rising steadily in the U.S. since the early 2000s when brides were around 25 and grooms were around 26. The average age is only slightly lower for Catholic couples than it is for the general population.

Engagement Length:

  • Average: 642 days

The length of engagement is significantly longer than in previous years. In the past, the average was around 500 days. This is due to postponed and rescheduled weddings because of COVID-19.

Location:

  • Same Location: 83%
  • Different Locations: 5%
  • Combination: 12%

More couples are using our programs from the same location. Our online courses are being used for a variety of reasons by couples who are not separated by distance.

Living Situation:

  • We live separately: 28%
  • We have been living together for more than a year: 51%
  • We have been living together for less than a year: 14%
  • I’d rather not say: 7%

More couples are cohabitating than in past years. Our data shows that at least 65% of couples were cohabitating, and it could be closer to 72%. This was the most significant change in our post-pandemic data, and we believe it directly affects all areas of marriage and family life ministry.

How Should We Respond?

With the increase of engaged couples cohabitating, what is our responsibility? It’s clear that those preparing Catholic couples for marriage are at the front lines of this phenomenon. It’s also clear that this trend has been steadily increasing over the years, and the pandemic only exacerbated it.

The United States Catholic Conference addressed this issue in 1999 when almost half of engaged couples were cohabitating. In the Report on New Realities of Pastoral Practices (https://www.usccb.org/topics/marriage-and-family-life-ministries/marriage-preparation-and-cohabiting-couples), the USCC stated:

Those who choose to marry instead of continuing to cohabit are the “good news” in a culture that is increasingly anti-marriage. Those cohabiting couples who move to marriage seem to be the “best risk” of a high-risk group: they have fewer risk factors than those cohabitors who choose not to marry. Even so, they still divorce at a rate 50% higher than couples who have never cohabited. They are a high-risk group for divorce and their special risk factors need to be identified and addressed, especially at the time of marriage preparation, if the couples are to build solid marriages.

The Report continues by reminding those preparing couples for marriage that this is a teachable moment. It is “an opportunity for evangelization and catechesis.”

Cohabitating couples inevitably approach marriage with habits that could lead to higher divorce rates, infidelity, and conflict; it’s the responsibility of those preparing couples for marriage to address those issues during marriage prep. The USCC Report urges clergy and lay ministers to avoid the extremes of harshly condemning couples for cohabitation or ignoring the issue altogether.

Discussing Cohabitation During Marriage Prep: Approaching Couples With Curiosity

Since it’s clear that we will all be ministering to an increased number of cohabitating couples, how could we approach the topic in a way that leads couples toward a more sacred view of marriage and commitment?

The advice found in the USCC’s report reminds us that curiosity is the key to opening up an honest conversation with couples.

Encourage the couple to reflect on their situation and why they decided to cohabit and to provide insights into possible consequences, factors that may present special challenges to them, or put them at risk for later marital disruption.

Asking good questions will not only provide insight into the couple’s character, beliefs, and habits, it will also enable them to explore how those things may affect their future marriage. Asking those questions with the spirit of understanding and an honest desire to see the couple reconciled to God, the Church, and one another can help them learn where they may have gone astray and accept the call to return to Catholic teaching on marriage and family life.

Moving Forward With Today’s Couples

Although these statistics aren’t what we hoped to see, we recognize that this is the reality of life for the couples we serve. In light of this data, The Marriage Group is looking for thoughtful and innovative ways to address these changing demographics in a way that honors Catholic teaching and promotes the gospel truths of love, mercy, and grace.

We also pray for your ministry to couples, acknowledging the many conversations that you have with cohabitating couples and the tension you may feel between honoring the standard God has called you to uphold and the current state of relationships in our parishes.

For more information on this topic, we recommend the USCC’s Report on New Realities of Pastoral Practices available here: (https://www.usccb.org/topics/marriage-and-family-life-ministries/marriage-preparation-and-cohabiting-couples)

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National Marriage Week Advice

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Read Time: 5 minutes

For National Marriage Week, we asked ministry leaders and married couples, “What is one important thing couples need to know in their first year of marriage?”

Here are some of our favorite replies:

One thing Mike and I have learned is that communication is key. Whether that’s communicating your goals, your feelings, your likes and your dislikes, it is so important. An open and honest line of communication prevents any misunderstandings and assumptions. You always hear “communication is key”, but there truly is a lot of truth to that.

We have also learned how important it is to be on the same page when it comes to decision-making. We aren’t always, but anytime that we aren’t, we’re able to compromise.

And lastly, but maybe most importantly, we pray. We pray together and on our own time. Our spiritual journey as a unit gets stronger and stronger. We remind ourselves that God won’t do the work for us. Mike and I have to do the work in our marriage and ask for help when we need it – and God hears us. He has helped us more times than I can count. Talking to Him has brought a lot of peace in our relationship.

Those three things have made our marriage very strong. We are going on three years of marriage and have already overcome a lot of obstacles. Through all of those obstacles, nothing about our love for each other has changed. We never place blame, we never distance, and we always say “I love you”.

Sydney and Mike – Married 2+ years – Pittsburgh, PA

Develop a habit of mutual prayer.

Retired Priest – Anonymous

Be intentional. Choose love every day. Be active in communicating, regrouping, and continuing to know and respond to each other more effectively every day. Care for your marriage like you care for any living thing….attend to its needs, feed it, love it, and above all spend time on it.

Dianne Vadney – Family Ministry Coordinator – Manitowoc WI

You are never alone, as a person, as a couple. Christ is always there, along with other Sacramental Married Couples.

From: Dcn. Adrian Jimenez – Director of Marriage and Family Life – Lubbock Diocese

You must always have love, respect, and a sense of humor in your marriage, but not necessarily in that order!  Sometimes having that sense of humor, learning to laugh together, is just as important.  Having all three (love, respect, humor) can make for many happy memories in the years to come.

Barbara & Jim McAloon – Pre-Cana Hosts – Washington, NJ

Learn to accept his/her whole being including his/her whole family. Always ask guidance to our Loving Almighty God the Father in everything you do. Make “God ” the center of your married life. Understand each other’s weaknesses, and praise all beautiful things he/she makes.

Lorna & Brian –  Married 17 years – City of SJDM

Remember your vows, always give more than you take, always say I love you and mean it. Life can change in a split second, and forever never feels like long enough when you love someon. Take the good days with the bad days because many more of both are to come!!! COMMUNICATE!!!!  LISTEN!!! Don’t lose yourself, but remember to grow with your partner too!!!

Jamie and Zatch – Married 1 year – Bluffton

Manage your spending, and discuss issues or concerns quickly not allowing it to pile up.

Blessing & Larry – Married 2 Years – Chicago

When you get stuck, ask for help when you need it. It’s a strength to ask for help, not a weakness. Start by asking God to bring you the best people to help you with your marriage.

Sharon Witzell – Program Coordinator, Office of Marriage and Family Life – Wichita, Kansas

Please be careful when buying a TV. TVs can be super addictive, and please never put a TV in the bedroom. The bedroom is your holiest place in the house; please keep it sacred.

From: Alex and Kristene – Married 1 year – Toronto, Canada

Good question: What’s one important thing couples need to know in their first year of marriage?

  • Remember to pray, pray, pray together (each day…) and listen to each other “with heart”…
  • Remember to “see” the other in charity (with love)  – In other words, recognize the ‘image of God’ in their beloved (especially in facing trials and difficult moments). We are longing to be seen with ‘eyes of love’ (as God sees each one of us…)
  • Always affirm one another. Remembering these simple words “You are worth much!” (When we begin a conversation with an affirmation or a little ‘thanksgiving prayer’,  it paves the way for a healthy conversation when disagreements rise in the day-to-day living. We are imperfect and make mistakes. Learning to walk with each other “in good times and in not-so-good times.”

I offer a little prayer that my beloved (husband) Tony and I pray each day:

Prayer of Spouses for Each Other
Lord Jesus, grant that I and my spouse may have a true and understanding love for each other.
Grant that we may both be filled with faith and trust.
Give us the grace to live with each other in peace and harmony.
May we always bear with one another’s weaknesses and grow from each other’s strengths.
Help us to forgive one another’s failings and grant us patience, kindness, cheerfulness,
And the spirit of placing the well-being of one another ahead of self.
May the love that brought us together grow and mature with each passing year.
Bring us both ever closer to You through our love for each other.
Let our love grow to perfection. Amen.

Mrs. Socorro Truchan – Diocese of Kalamazoo – CFLA

This exciting time of Marriage Prep is not only preparing the couple for a day or for a “picture”, it is a lifetime tool that they will be acquiring through all steps of Preparation. It’s so important that the couple realize they are trying to be equipped with valuable information that will help them through their marriage.

It’s also very important and personal experience. They need to find a group to join for example: marriage group, group of Christian families, Bible study, etc. Why? We are so busy… we as couples need to grow in our faith day by day.

Araceli Gutierrez – St. Joseph, Denver

Remember that you are both on the same team. As tense as some arguments may be, your spouse is not your enemy. Keeping this in mind can help to resolve conflicts faster and also deepen your relationship!

Deanna Johnston – Director of Family Life – Tyler, TX

That first year, patience with your spouse is a must! At least more so than usual. It’s going to be a learning experience for both of you. Patience and grace!

Azury and Armando Gutiérrez – Married 2 years – Encino, CA

Invest in your marriage — start when your love and devotion for one another are at an all-time high. Take classes to help your marriage succeed. Surround yourself with like-minded couples who believe in marriage and desire to have a strong foundation.

Above all else, realize that it is by the Grace of God that the two of you are called to a healthy marriage — and that atmosphere of grace compels you to put in the work to make your marriage extraordinary.

Gordon & Regina – 12 Years – Michigan

I think couples need to understand that there could be an adjustment period, and it can be very trying. Being from different upbringings and cultures could lead to a culture shock within the marriage. It is also important to “look for the flowers“. What that means is that each of them would have some flowers and some garbage (using the bee vs the fly). Prioritize your spouse’s good qualities over their bad when thinking of them and trying to adjust to your new dynamic.

Another important thing is to protect the image of your spouse that you project to others, especially your extended family members. Keep more in and within you than you share with others.

Know your strengths and weaknesses, and work on them individually and together.

Finally, do all that you can to build the foundations for an awesome FRIENDSHIP!!!!. Marriage needs friendship a lot more than people think.

NOTE: If they are Christian, they should try to pray together and grow their faith together.

I wish I had known all these things before I went into my marriage. We wouldn’t have struggled as much as we did, but that’s okay. We are having a much better time now and are growing stronger every day

Mike and ViVi, Years married- 3 years, Abuja, Nigeria

Be brave; resist the urge to hold back when things get hard or you learn something unexpected about your spouse. Expand your capacity for love. Forgive.

Chris & Jessie – 26 yrs – Michigan

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Red Flags in Marriage Prep

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Read Time: 3 minutes

The ministry of marriage preparation is a lot like driving a car; just when you think the road is smooth and straight and free of obstacles, you discover bumps, twists and turns, and, of course, traffic lights.

Most of the time, we hope for green lights all the way through. But honestly, there will always be a few red lights that will indicate to us it’s time to stop, see what’s going on, and make sure there is no danger.

Then, when the green light reappears, we can proceed.

Red flags in marriage ministry are just like approaching a red light along your travel route.

What do you normally do?

You stop, wait, and, when the light turns green, you continue driving.

A red flag in marriage prep is not the end of the road; it is a stop to make sure the road ahead is safe before continuing the marriage preparation journey.

Let’s analyze some of the most common red flags that marriage ministers may encounter when preparing couples for marriage. These are just examples; you may encounter many more red flags in your own experience with couples.

1. Red Flags in Family of Origin

Differences in families of origin that, if not addressed properly, may represent a bigger obstacle in the future.

The family of origin teaches us about relationships.

We learn to communicate (or not to communicate) in our family of origin. We learn to express or repress feelings in the family of origin. We learn how to handle money in our families of origin. Most of our life skills and the way we relate to others are learned in our families of origin.

When there are too many differences in the way the couples we work with were raised, and when those differences are too extreme, it is a red flag.

That means, it is time to stop, observe the reality, and adjust whatever needs to be adjusted before proceeding with the preparation for marriage.

2. Addiction

Use of drugs, alcohol, and pornography.

This is unfortunately a very common red flag.

When we discover these behaviors with a couple preparing for marriage, we must stop, invite the couple to address the issue, and see if any type of counseling or a Twelve Step program is needed before marriage preparation can continue.

Be aware that both parties may not be Catholic, but address these issues with the Catholic party; they need to go to the Sacrament of Reconciliation if pornography was/is an issue in their life.

Covenant Eyes is also a great resource, and its services specialize in helping people overcome the addiction to pornography.

3. A History of Violence

History of domestic violence either in the family of origin or in themselves.

If the couple preparing for marriage reports a history of domestic violence either in their parents or in their own present relationship (domestic violence may occur even in couples who are not living together), it is time to stop marriage preparation and refer the couple to a therapist who can help them navigate these issues.

The USCCB has some great resources available for those experiencing domestic violence.

4. Lack of Vulnerability

Inability or fear of speak openly about specific issues/topics.

When we’re preparing a couple for marriage, one of them may experience fear or the inability to speak openly about a specific topic (for example: sex, money, addictions, infidelity, etc.).

Whatever the topic is, couples should experience trust and openness to speak freely about any issue that is important to the relationship.

When we find this is not possible due to fear or other reasons, it is time to stop marriage preparation and address those fears or feelings of unrest.

Your Duty as A Minister


Red flags come in many forms and are common.

It’s important for a Family Life Minister/ Marriage Minister to learn how to identify them and design a game plan to help couples work through them.

It’s our job to take the time needed to address the issues and then continue with marriage preparation.

Some couples may find it hard or uncomfortable to address these red flags, but ultimately, we need to clarify that we are inviting them to address the red flags because we care about them; we want them to be successful and happy in their marriage!

Make sure to equip yourself with plenty of resources that you can use as a Family Life Minister for navigating these difficult situations — we have linked to a few examples in this article.

Most importantly? Your guidance can help couples navigate these red flags and provide the support they need to address them in a healthy way.

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Renew Your Spirit During the Holidays

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Read Time: 3 minutes

The Church offers us Advent and Christmas as a time to be refreshed and renewed, but if you’re a priest, deacon, or lay minister, the holiday season can feel overwhelming.

How do you use this time to serve others and feel renewed in your own spiritual life?

Here are some things to reflect on as you approach the holiday season as a ministry leader.

Pray While You Serve

What does that look like for a busy ministry leader?

First of all, it doesn’t require clearing your schedule or putting off other responsibilities. While setting aside a specific block of time for prayer each day is part of the Christian life, there is also a precedent for incorporating prayer into everything we’re doing.

Brother Lawrence shared his wisdom in this area by encouraging us to pray while we work:

“The time of business does not with me differ from the time of prayer; and in the noise and clatter of my kitchen, while several persons are at the same time calling for different things, I possess God in as great tranquility as if I were upon my knees at the blessed sacrament.”

We worship a God who understands the demands that life and ministry make on our physical and emotional energy, and he will meet us in our work and our rest if we set our hearts on him.

Rest assured that you can pray while decorating the Church for the holidays, printing extra bulletins, and setting up Giving Trees, and that time can be as valuable as the minutes or hours you spend in stillness and solitude focusing on God.

Reflect on the Meaning of Advent

The Season of Advent can invite a spirit of anticipation that renews us during this busy time.

There’s a special element to anticipating a great event that gives us the ability to take on more work than normal and yet not feel as drained or worn out. There may be physical tiredness, but the anticipation keeps our minds fresh and our spirits renewed.

During Advent, reflecting on the event of Jesus’s birth – the Lord of All coming down to earth to redeem it, and his eventual return – the King of All coming back to reign forever, can add excitement and a renewed sense of calling to our ministries.

Taking time to reflect on these great mysteries can infuse our busy-ness with an energy that comes from the Spirit, and that excitement can build as Christmas draws near. This is truly a gift from God.

Work Out of Your Rest

It’s hard to imagine what the scriptures mean when they say that God rested, but we can be sure that it wasn’t because he didn’t have any energy or passion left to continue working.

As servants of God and the Church, we tend to work tirelessly out of commitment to God and his people, devotion to the Church, and to fulfill the deep sense of meaning and purpose we derive out of our work.

As much as ministry is an act of love on our part, it is still activity that cannot be sustained without rest.

God gave us the Sabbath for many reasons, and the ability to rest is a spiritual discipline in and of itself.

There should be periods of work and rest in every day, not just on Sundays. The Genesis account, which first mentions the Sabbath, reminds us that “there was evening and there was morning” on each day of the Creation Narrative.

If we see our week as a series of days to work as hard as possible and Sunday as the only day or period of rest, we may develop an endurance mindset where we force ourselves forward in our work and crash at the end of the week.

Instead, let’s practice periods of rest in each day which provide the foundation for the work we do. Working out of our rest, instead of collapsing into rest as the result of overwork, can do wonders for our spiritual well-being.

Come to the Table

God will meet us during this season in our ministry, providing everything we need to be refreshed and renewed. He provides it through his grace poured out in the Eucharist, and he provides it in the body as we support one another.

Our hope for you is that this holiday season would be full of the realization that God is with you in every moment of your service. May the anticipation of his coming and return fill you with joy, and may his spirit give you rest and renewal as you remain devoted to him.

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Talking To Engaged Couples About Contraception

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Read Time: 4 minutes

Talking about contraception is an important part of marriage preparation. Contraception in its various forms has become the status quo for sexual relationships outside of the Church. Some Catholic couples either don’t know or don’t agree with the Church’s teaching. Getting comfortable talking about contraception is vitally important for the moral and sexual health of the couples you work with.

So how do you have this conversation?

1. Know the Church’s teaching inside and out.

There’s no getting around it: the Church’s teaching on contraception runs contrary to what is accepted by modern culture and is often misunderstood.

If you aren’t sure why contraception is forbidden, read the teaching and prepare to discuss it. This doesn’t mean you need a graduate degree in theology before you start doing marriage prep.

Fortunately, the Catholic position is actually more intuitive than that, but you should know what you’re talking about and why the Church teaches what it does.

For many couples, you may be the first person who has ever shared the negative aspects of using contraception.

They will likely have questions and may even have objections.

You need to understand the principles behind the doctrine and be ready to explain why it is good for the couple’s marriage to avoid contraception.

Some good resources (for you and the couples) include the papal encyclical Humanae Vitae, Catholic Answers, and the Catechism of the Catholic Church.

2. Be honest about the Church’s teaching.

Many couples have stories of priests or mentors giving them incorrect information about contraception and marriage. They may be upset when they find out they’ve been misled.

If that’s the case, tell the couple gently, but honestly, what the Church in her wisdom teaches about marriage and sexuality.

Don’t dance around the truth. Be clear about what is and isn’t allowed. Deliver the message with charity, but don’t leave the couple wondering what you actually mean. Then, you can work with them to figure out how to follow the Church’s teachings in their marriage.

You shouldn’t feel embarrassed or afraid of the Catholic understanding of sexuality.

There are many good reasons to avoid contraception, from the potential health risks to the way it tends to violate the dignity of both spouses. If you know these reasons, you’ll be able to explain the Catholic position while truly understanding and believing it yourself, which is crucial.

3. Be patient with couples (and yourself).

For some couples, the Church’s teaching on marriage and sexuality is strange and confusing. They may have a hard time understanding how a couple goes about having a happy, fulfilling marriage and sex life without birth control.

Obviously, you shouldn’t belittle or criticize them. Charity and gentleness are needed at all times.

Keep in mind that it’s not necessary for them to fully understand and agree with you right away.

Give them the truth clearly and kindly, then allow them time to think about what you said and discuss it privately. Suggest that they also pray about it. Conversion and understanding don’t have to happen immediately.

Let the Holy Spirit work, and don’t feel the need to “win” the discussion and answer every objection the first time you broach the subject. If a change of heart is needed, remember that it is God, not you, who will work that out.

4. Offer an alternative.

The thought of being married and having sex without contraception can be overwhelming for some couples. Visions of 20 children or 15-passenger vans may pop into their heads. The couple may fear the health risks that can be associated with pregnancy, especially if the wife has underlying health problems.

On a theoretical level, wives may believe the Church only values them for their ability to have babies.

Fortunately, the Church doesn’t simply forbid contraception and abandon couples to figure it out on their own. It offers an alternative approach: Natural Family Planning (NFP).

There are a lot of great resources available for couples who want to learn about NFP, including our own new course: NFP Life.

You’ll also want to know if NFP coaching is available locally, if your parish doesn’t have a program for that. Oftentimes, local nurses will be certified to teach the methods of NFP. If your parish does offer a program or class, have the information on hand and give it to the couple right away.

You’ll also want information on medical professionals who actually know how NFP works (learn more about Dr. Danielle Koestner here). As frustrating and tragic as it is, some OB/GYNs can be woefully untrained and uninformed about the scientific methods used in NFP.

You should understand the basics of NFP — and why it isn’t the “rhythm method” — so you can answer initial questions from the couple. Allow the details to be covered by the mentor or course.

The bottom line…

NFP has tremendous benefits for the couple’s health and their marriage. Understanding these can be helpful when explaining why they should practice Natural Family Planning in their marriage.

Contraception and family planning may be a difficult topic for many couples, but if it’s done with charity and wisdom, such conversations can bear a lot of fruit.

Above all, remember that the Church has very good reasons to teach what it does, and these teachings are actually borne of science and theology, not just one or the other. When you meet with couples to talk about contraception and Natural Family Planning, you can be confident that you are sharing good news for both their physical and spiritual health.

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Discussing Finances with Your Partner

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Read Time: 2 minutes

Financial discussions can be difficult to have with your partner. Everyone has different philosophies about managing money. However, when couples get married, having healthy discussions about money can directly affect your relationship.

These tips can help guide you through difficult conversations about money.

Have an Open Mind

When discussing your finances, it’s important to keep an open mind. Everyone comes from varying financial backgrounds and may have had different experiences with money. These experiences contribute to a person’s financial outlook, and it can cause conflict when you and your partner don’t see eye to eye.

However, if you maintain an open mind during financial conversations, you may be able to work through disagreements quickly and with more effective solutions.

A great way to avoid confrontation is to spend time focusing on your partner’s strengths.

If the entire conversation is focused on their weaknesses, your partner may get defensive which could lead to arguments. Make sure you acknowledge the financial strengths of your partner so they feel supported throughout your discussion.

Create Realistic Goals

As with any important conversation with your partner, you should agree on a common goal.

Are you talking about setting up a budget, or do you want to save money to start a family? Whatever your goals are, be upfront and honest about them and try to keep the conversation on track.

Remember, when you’re setting up goals with your partner they need to be actionable and specific.

Realistic goals need to include dates and checkpoints, which makes it easier for individuals to hold themselves accountable.

Listen More, Talk Less

These conversations can get long and difficult, especially if either or both of you do all the talking and no listening. Be in tune with what your partner is expressing, simply stating that you understand their point of view. This can go a long way.

Utilizing active listening techniques throughout your discussion will help de-escalate any disagreements you and your partner have. If you feel like you and your partner are struggling with healthy communication, you may want to consult your priest, a marriage counselor, and/or a mentor to help guide you.

Discuss All of Your Finances

This is the best opportunity to be transparent about any financial goals you’re working towards or concerns that you may have. This could include debt, credit score, loans, homeownership, or any other financial matters.

Being transparent about your financial status is the best way to establish an open line of communication about finances going forward. Thoroughly understanding your financial status can help you make educated decisions that impact your lives as a couple, such as moving in together for the first time, applying for a mortgage, or opening a joint bank account.

These larger financial decisions will be greatly impacted by your current financial status and should be discussed openly.

Additionally, you should also explain what you’re prioritizing financially.

That way, you both understand which goals you want to achieve first, and how they can best support your family. Make time in the conversation so both of you can clearly articulate the value of achieving goals. In doing that, you will both feel understood and supported.

It’s Hard, But Not Impossible

Discussing finances with your partner can be scary, especially if you’ve never openly discussed these topics before. However, by keeping an open mind, setting goals, and actively listening you’ll be well on your way to a stronger relationship and even better future conversations about money.

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When Your Partner is Grieving

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Read Time: 5 minutes

Walking Through the Valley of the Shadow Together

If you’re together for any length of time, walking through a season of grief with your partner is inevitable. Depending on the nature of your partner’s relationship with the deceased, the season could involve weeks, months, or years of working through the loss. In some ways, we are forever altered when someone we love dies, and time simply changes the way we grieve instead of eliminating it altogether.

Comfort vs. Correction

Every person expresses grief uniquely, and, unless you’re a psychologist or professional counselor, it’s difficult to gauge just what to do or say when your spouse is grieving. Thankfully, it’s more important for the person who is grieving to be able to express themselves verbally than it is for you to offer advice.

A helpful theory when considering what to say to your grieving spouse is the Ring Theory. It positions the person who is experiencing the loss at the center of concentric circles and demonstrates the idea that the grieving person gets to express themselves freely (or “dump out”) to everyone they are in a relationship with.

The circles grow larger as they move out from the person who experienced the loss, and represent how close a person is to the griever. The theory suggests that people recognize which circle they belong in and encourages them to direct their attention to comforting those in the circle just inside theirs.

For example, the circle just outside the griever is their immediate family, and the outermost circle is the general public.

As the person closest to your grieving spouse, you have a wonderful yet difficult opportunity to be a safe place for their broken heart. They should be able to express themselves freely with you, unloading all of their pain, fear, and shattered dreams. This difficult season can deepen your relationship, strengthen your faith, and expand your ability to be intimate and vulnerable with one another.

However, according to the Ring Theory, things could go in a different direction if you begin to offer advice, correction, or criticism to your partner for the way they grieve or process their feelings.

If you begin “dumping” on them instead of listening, you force them into a caretaking role.

It’s also unfair and even cruel to criticize someone for the way they grieve, the feelings they are expressing, and their level of despair. Even if you don’t understand why your partner is (or is not)  so sad; cries so much (or too little), or isn’t handling grief the way you do, they are not the person to share those concerns with. Finding your own outlet with a trusted friend or counselor will free you up to stick to comforting your spouse which is really what they need most from you.

Peace vs. Perfection

When my husband and I had been married for 10 years, I experienced the loss of my father to suicide. The moments and days that immediately followed my father’s death are a blur to me. We had five children aged 5 – 15 years-old, and our family’s grief was crushing.

It’s been 15 years since my dad died, and I have reflected many times on the ways my husband has cared for and comforted me in my ever-changing grieving process.

I’m not sure either of us could recount how many times he has held me while I cried, listened to me process my feelings, or seen a shadow fall over me when something triggers a memory.

My grief has been messy, imperfect, and confusing.

It has caused angry outbursts, crippling anxiety, and disconnected numbness. It has made me cling to my husband at times and coldly push him away at others.

Thankfully, he is a devoted partner who has been willing to walk alongside me in my search for peace. He’s given me the freedom and space to explore my grief at the graveside, the counseling office, and in solitude while also being steadfast in his commitment to being with me when I need him.

It was only in the last few years that my husband finally communicated to me how my dad’s death affected him, how he lost someone he loved and respected too. I was stunned that I never considered that my husband lost a father-in-law, his children’s grandpa, a buddy…a friend.

My grief had consumed my ability to see his pain, and he never demanded that I stop being so selfish and comfort him.

Sacrifice vs. Satisfaction

The example my husband demonstrates in the way he has cared for me in my grief prioritized my needs over his. I don’t know that he made an active choice to follow the example of Christ, but he did every time he sacrificed himself to care for me. He sacrificed his need to be validated, his need to be comforted, his need to express his opinions and feelings so that he could comfort me.

Instead of demanding that I satisfy his needs when I was so broken, he chose to take them to God in prayer and left them largely unsatisfied in the human realm until he was able to find healthy places to work them out.

As I reflect on the sacrifices my husband has made for me, I feel incredibly loved and protected. As I mentioned, grief is messy and imperfect, but as we have moved through it, our marriage has been strengthened and refined by our commitment to each other despite our pain.

That messy imperfection created something beautiful in our relationship, something that has nourished and sustained us through many other marital challenges.

Hope vs. Certainty

In the last 25 years of our marriage, we have been to many funerals, and we will likely experience many more. It never gets easier to grieve or to love someone who is grieving. Grief is scary and unpredictable. When you love someone, it’s terrifying to consider all you have to lose and how life can change courses in the blink of an eye.

However, it helps to understand that comforting someone in their grief is an act of sacrificial love, most clearly demonstrated by the love of Jesus Christ. We can trust that if we prioritize the needs of our grieving spouse, God will be faithful in meeting our needs. He promises that in the most popular scripture read at funerals:

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff comfort me.

Psalms 23:4

We walk through the valley whenever we confront death in this life, and it is a tremendous blessing to have a spouse that will walk alongside you when you’re grieving. We should all aim to be a partner who understands the sacrificial love of Jesus Christ, one who can earnestly pray the words of St. Francis who said, “O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console.”

Growing in our understanding of this kind of love can draw us closer to God and our grieving partners. It will never be easy to walk through the valley of the shadow of death, but there is beautiful comfort in walking it with someone we love.

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