The Power of Humor: Holiness and Wonderment in Your Marriage

, , , , , , , , , ,
Read Time: 4 minutes

Why are you so serious? Surely, you must be kidding.

This is something I would tell my younger self at the beginning stage of my marriage. Life is short (unless you’re Methuselah or Yoda) and it goes by way too quickly to get hung up on frivolous things.

My wife and I met each other in college and got married upon graduation in 2010. The engagement period was fun, and we were in the “cute” stage of love. Everything was new and we were still learning more and more about each other’s lives.

I was first attracted by her energetic and enthusiastic personality.

One day I was entering the cafeteria when I heard an audible “snort” followed by the most beautiful and funny laughter I ever heard. I turned to see a gathering of students at “The Big Table” (it consisted of 5+ regular sized rectangular tables pushed together).

An array of people joined “The Big Table” over the course of that year. This was my introduction to this wonderful community of dinner and fellowship. Here I started a friendship with my future wife. And it led to the formation of many other lasting friendships.

Humor Makes You Humble

Why am I rambling on about a large dining room table? What does it have to do with marriage and marriage prep?

The foundation of any successful marriage is faith. In the summer before my sophomore year, I entrusted myself to God with this goal and desire: to find my future wife.

Little did I know I had already met her.

Finding her at “The Big Table” was the first step. We became friends during my freshman year. God’s timing is impeccable and often surprising. He can give to us quickly or make us wait for years. In this case, my vocation was realized fast.

According to the Catechism of the Catholic Church paragraph #150,

“Faith is first of all a personal adherence of man to God. At the same time, and inseparably, it is a free assent to the whole truth that God has revealed. As personal adherence to God and assent to his truth, Christian faith differs from our faith in any human person. It is right and just to entrust oneself wholly to God and to believe absolutely what he says. It would be futile and false to place such faith in a creature.”

My parents instilled in me the importance of trusting in God. They didn’t need to use their words often. They passed on this truth through their witness of love (to each other AND God) in the sacrament of marriage.

I had a solid foundation to build my marriage on. However, I assumed that marriage was easy. Early on in my own marriage, I learned how difficult it is. Looking back, I recall getting into too many arguments with my wife over little matters (they seemed big at the time).

Work schedule, chores, and other daily tasks that led to a difference of opinion. I didn’t always act with humility and grace.

Reality is Funny and Odd

Taking things too seriously and letting my pride get in the way made the first few years of my marriage less blissful than I anticipated. And then 2014 hit.

This was the year everything crumbled.

Life hit my wife and I with a barrage of trials. Our daughter developed health needs, new jobs and a new house led to many stressful situations. On top of that, we suffered a devastating loss that November; we lost our unborn child hours after hearing his heartbeat. This loss impacted my wife immediately. It didn’t hit me until months later. Feelings of grief I failed to grapple with led to an emotional, mental, and spiritual collapse.

I was angry with God.

While I didn’t question his existence, I doubted His goodness and providence.

The only thing that saved our marriage during this time was our faith. It was our firm foundation to stand on even when we couldn’t “stand up” long without falling. Sharing a similar style of humor helped my wife and I weather the storm too. The family that prays together stays together. And I think the family that also laughs together is even stronger!

On the toughest of days, we sent each other funny memes or texted the hilarious things our kids said. Laughter is a means to holiness. Saint Philip Neri (the patron saint of humor) wrote, “A joyful heart is more easily made perfect than a downcast one.”

Now this advice wouldn’t have meant much to me in the middle of our suffering.

Through trials, I have realized that God will save me again and again. He transformed my pain from a sorrowful suffering to a joyful suffering.

Humor is an important way to reflect on God’s goodness. When you think about it, this world is so strange that it’s kind of funny. Just think about the anatomy of the platypus.

The Sacrament of Marriage Leads to Wonderment

Marriage also inspires you wonder about even greater realities. Saint John Chrysostom said, “When a husband and wife are united in marriage, they no longer seem like something earthly, but rather like the image of God himself.”

The love between spouses is to reflect the love shared between the Three Persons of the Holy Trinity.

God is Love and His love is everlasting. Sacramental marriages are to be mirrors of this divine love. Whether you’re currently going through marriage prep or have been married several years, it’s important to look to God as your firm foundation.

Ask God to help strengthen your marriage. Go to Eucharistic Adoration at least once a month, and make prayer a regular part of your life.

When you deepen your prayer life as a couple, you will find greater wonderment in your vocation. You will learn more about your spouse. And you will discover saints to help aid you in the journey. My wife and I suffered another miscarriage in 2017, and in spring 2018 we were pregnant again.

Signs were pointing to another miscarriage. We sought the intercession of Saints Teresa of Avila, Catherine of Siena, and Gerard of Majella. When she was born, my wife’s doctor called our youngest child a miracle. These saints have continued to be a part of our family in daily life. We ask for their intercession every night before going to sleep.

The sacrament of marriage helped my wife and I deepen our love for God, and it led to us develop friendships with several saints. And the beauty of this Sacrament? God will give you similar graces to grow in holiness. Trust God, don’t be too serious, and laugh often. Your future self will thank you.

Author: Matt Chicoine — The Simple Catholic

/by

Cold Feet or Call it Off

, , , , , , , , , ,
Read Time: 5 minutes

What if I’m having doubts about getting married?

The engagement period is marked by several emotional highs: the thrill of announcements, anxiety about mounting costs, and the mad dash to get everything done. Couples will ride the roller coaster of those highs and lows all the way to the altar and even through the honeymoon.

During this time, it’s totally normal to experience conflict with your partner and even have some doubts about marriage. But how do you know whether your doubts are a normal part of making one of the biggest decisions of your life or a sign that you may be making a huge mistake?

Doubts are part of good decision-making.

Every thoughtful decision should come with an honest evaluation of the choice. You may have said yes to a proposal based on emotions that felt like 100% certainty, but that feeling can’t last. Once you start doing the work of being engaged (yes, it’s actually a lot of work), part of that work is moving closer to certainty based on facts rather than just emotion.

While you’re planning your wedding and going through the marriage preparation process at your parish, you’ll face many choices and tough questions. You may find yourselves squabbling over who to invite to the wedding, and you may be asked to talk about aspects of your past, family life, and personality that hadn’t yet surfaced in your dating relationship.

All of these situations should be opportunities for you to “try on” what married life will be like and discover how you’ll handle these things as a couple. In fact, conflict should be welcomed during engagement so you can learn how your partner responds to you when things aren’t going well and whether or not you can resolve things in a healthy way.

Conflict is an opportunity to test the relationship

The idea that healthy couples don’t fight is a myth. The opposite is actually true; couples who repress disappointment, disapproval, and disagreement to avoid conflict inhibit their ability to move into a deeper, healthier relationship.

While constant arguing certainly isn’t the goal, both partners should feel free to express their opinions and should be growing in their ability to work through disagreements in ways that make each of them feel heard, valued, and considered. Couples experiencing conflict during engagement shouldn’t be concerned that they are facing struggles. They should be concerned when those struggles reveal unhealthy patterns. Learning how to work through disagreements is a valuable skill healthy couples will use over and over again during their marriage.

How do you know you’re not ready?

When conflict arises during engagement, it can be a sign that you simply need to work through some issues, learn better methods of communication, or get to know each other better. Stress has a way of bringing things to the surface that don’t come up when everything is going well. Certain character traits and coping mechanisms are difficult to hide when we’re stressed out.

When engaged couples begin to see and experience these new sides of their partners, it presents new challenges to navigate in the relationship. How you handle those challenges can help you determine how compatible you actually are, and even if you’re really ready for marriage.

Here are a few red flags to pay attention to:

  • Inability to resolve conflict: When disagreements arise, you feel ignored, humiliated, or insulted for your desire to work things out.
  • Unhealthy coping mechanisms: You or your partner resort to substances, pornography, gambling, or work to avoid dealing with conflict or actively taking part in wedding planning and preparation.
  • Overwhelming pressure: You feel crushed by the pressure to please your partner, family, and/or spiritual leaders. You feel you have to have the perfect relationship and the perfect wedding, and you base your decisions on what others want rather than considering your own emotional, spiritual, and physical needs.
  • Secrets: You or your partner are hiding a significant incident or piece of information from one another, for fear that it would destroy the relationship. This could be anything that makes you feel shame, such as a past relationship, financial debt, or a medical issue.
  • Resistance to spiritual preparation: When you’re seeking marriage in the Catholic Church, you’re preparing to receive a sacrament. This is a deeply meaningful act that requires certain steps to fulfill. If either partner is resistant or apathetic about these responsibilities, it needs to be addressed.

How to get help with pre-wedding doubts?

If you’re dealing with any of the above red flags, or anything else that’s causing you to question whether marriage is still the right decision, the best thing to do is ask for help. As uncomfortable as it may feel, you’ll need an outside perspective.

Help can range from clergy and professional counselors to a long-time married couple in your parish, family, or friend circle. Connecting with clergy and/or a mentor couple is part of the marriage preparation process at many parishes, but it can be valuable to go to a variety of sources for a broader source of wisdom and support. In Church environments, this is called ‘discernment’, the art of separating, analyzing, and deciding the best course of action. All this is done in a prayerful state of mind with the help of a Spiritual Director or mentor.

If your marriage prep doesn’t include connecting one-on-one with clergy or a mentor couple, or you feel like you need a broader perspective, you’ll have to be proactive about seeking help.

Here are some online resources that can help you find a qualified Catholic counselor:

You can also search your local diocese website for information about counseling services from regional Catholic Charities or Catholic Human Services organizations.

Here are a few things to consider when choosing a mentor couple to connect with:

  • Have you experienced the couple in a variety of settings, and do they have a marriage you’d like to emulate?
  • Do they seem to have healthy relationships with their parish community, family, and friends?
  • Are they open and non-judgemental? Do they operate as people of grace and mercy?
  • Are you comfortable opening up to them? Do you trust they will be confidants?
  • Do they share your faith and values about marriage as a Sacrament and lifelong commitment?
  • Are they recognized as leaders in your parish or recommended as mentors by clergy? If you are unsure, ask your priest or deacon.

Friends and family are also a valuable part of your support system, but it’s okay to look beyond that circle for a bigger perspective. Dealing with serious doubts about your upcoming marriage should require as much help as you need from whatever sources you’re comfortable with.

What if you have to call off the wedding?

If you’re trying to make things work, you’ve reached out to others, and you’re still having significant doubts, it may be time to postpone or call off the wedding. This decision will never be easy, but it could be the best one to make.

If your relationship is worth working on, taking the pressure of the impending wedding date off the calendar can free you up to grow individually and as a couple. While canceling your wedding can usher in feelings of grief, failure, and embarrassment, it may also open the door for relief, focus, and healing. Those feelings should worked through if you truly want to strengthen a relationship worth saving and let go of a relationship that needed to end.

If you find yourself in a situation where the red flags were warning signs of an unhealthy marriage, you may want to consider individual counseling to help identify areas in your own life where growth would be beneficial. This work on your personal development will make you more likely to pass over future partners who have the same issues and move toward healthier companions both platonic and romantic.

Your wedding day should be the day you commit yourself to a partner you trust, someone you can rely on, and the person you can grow closer to every day – even after conflict. If you can’t enter into that commitment freely and wholeheartedly, it’s okay to push the pause button until you know for sure.

/by

New Finances Production

, , , , , , , , , , , ,
Read Time: 2 minutes

What do engaged couples need to know about finances during marriage prep?

This is a big question to answer. Especially considering the diversity of couples who get married in the Catholic Church.

Did you know the average age of couples taking our online Catholic marriage prep course is 30?

We also serve couples who are widowed and entering into a second marriage, some are forming blended families, and some are already retired. We also have our share of twenty-somethings who are embarking on married life straight from their parent’s homes and financial protection.

That means we’re talking to couples on a spectrum that ranges from no experience managing money all the way up to experienced and wondering, “Why are they making me learn this?”

Finances Segment in Our Online Pre-Cana Program

We believe that a good Pre-Cana course will evoke curiosity and discussion because there is no way to cover every aspect of every subject a couple will face in a life together. So, when we updated the finances segment in Living Our Faith In Love we started with the Spiritual Principles of Money Management.

The new segment starts by unpacking our value as human beings created by God, and it explains how our understanding of our value can shape the way we view and handle our finances.

As presenters in the segment, Chris and I (Jessie) have learned time and time again that the root of our money struggles and fights is often a desire to find meaning and purpose in material things rather than our standing in Christ.

When we got curious about those struggles and started to talk about them, we gained the skills to navigate our challenges in new ways. That’s what we hope to pass along to the couples taking this course, and we hope we’ve been able to do that no matter what their experience is handling finances.

The new segment also includes tips on how to talk about money, how to resolve conflict, and a few practical tools we’ve used over the years to stay organized and steward our resources responsibly.

We had a great time preparing for and presenting this segment, and we hope couples taking Living Our Faith In Love enjoy it too. Even after 27+ years of marriage, we’re still learning how to spend, save, and share what we’ve been blessed with.

Whether you’re just starting out or you’re blending established portfolios with your partner, we pray that you’ll enjoy this new edition to our online Catholic marriage prep class!

– Chris & Jessie Wiegand

/by

Learn NFP

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Read Time: 4 minutes

“Why are you making me learn NFP?” 

It’s a question I get a lot in my capacity as the Director of Fertility and Life Ministries for the Diocese of Lansing. Often this question comes from engaged couples going through Marriage Prep, but I also get it from couples referred to me by a priest.

While it’s easy to think this question has a “can’t we just use contraception?” connotation behind it, I’ve found that some faithful Catholics who reject contraception also don’t see value in Natural Family Planning.

Let’s discuss two common reasons couples don’t want to use NFP, and how we can respond:

The first reason is that couples are not familiar with Church teaching about NFP, which may lead to rejection.

The second is that couples don’t plan on using NFP.

Our response to these couples will depend on where they’re coming from, but the foundation is the same. When couples ask why they “have to” learn NFP, highlighting the beauty of how their sexual union images the Holy Trinity is foundational.

Where to Start When Teaching NFP

When I work with couples, I always start with JPII’s Theology of the Body by emphasizing how their union images the Holy Trinity.

God, as we know, IS Love. (1 John 4:16)

He is not maleficent, cruel, or selfish. He does not use or objectify. As such, the Father pours out Himself totally, as a self-gift to the Son. The Son, in turn, actively receives that gift and pours out Himself totally, as a self-gift to the Father. That mutual, eternal love between the two IS the Holy Spirit.

A married couple, in imaging the Holy Trinity, can visualize their union by contemplating how the husband pours himself out totally as a self-gift to his wife. The wife, in turn, actively receives that gift and pours out herself totally as a self-gift to her husband. That mutual love between the two IS (or can be) a child.

Once that foundation is set, I can have a discussion with the couple on why they reject NFP.

I find it’s easiest to convince a contraceptively-minded couple of the beauty of NFP. I used to approach these couples by highlighting the dangers of contraceptives and how women become objectified by them. While that approach often worked, I discovered those couples would eventually stop using NFP once it became difficult or cumbersome. So I switched methods (NFP pun intended).

Their Union Images the Holy Trinity

Now, I start by explaining how their union images the Holy Trinity. Then, we discuss how contraception prevents them from pouring themselves out totally to each other because one of them is withholding their fertility. Next, we talk about Humanae vitae and how we can know (through our reason alone) that sexual intercourse has two ends, procreative and unitive, and to trying to separate the two destroys what sexual intercourse is. It turns it into a different kind of thing.

It’s true that I have a somewhat smaller rate of convincing these couples to choose NFP using this method than I did using the scare-tactic method, but when I follow up with these couples down the road, they are still totally sold on NFP. These couples also tend to use periodic abstinence more successfully than the others do. In short, contraceptively-minded couples respond better to the “why” behind NFP than they do to “contraceptives are dangerous.”

NFP Isn’t Just About Avoiding Pregnancy

Couples who don’t plan on using NFP, however, require a different approach. When a couple comes to me totally sold on the Church’s teaching against contraceptives but then rejects NFP, I still start with how their union Images the Holy Trinity. I show them that part of that is total self-gift to each other, and there may be a time in the future where part of that self-gift is abstinence due to illness or a different serious life event. I then do a little digging to find out where they’re coming from.

Sometimes a couple is actively trying to conceive, or plans to once they’re married, and they view NFP as a type of contraception. For these couples, I explain that NFP isn’t just about avoiding pregnancy. It’s also about conceiving a pregnancy. 75% of couples who use a certain method of NFP conceive within three cycles of trying to get pregnant whereas it can take up to a year without using NFP.

The Postpartum Period

I also make them aware of the fact that it’s more difficult to learn a method of NFP during the postpartum period if they do plan on using it to space pregnancies. The reason for this is that it can take up to a year (sometimes longer) for a woman to start cycling again, and her hormones can make it difficult to track her biomarkers.

Other couples reject NFP, and see it as a type of rejection of God’s gift of children. It is praiseworthy when couples throw themselves fully into the arms of the Lord and decide to accept children without hesitation. In fact, it is what all married couples are called to. However, the use of NFP does not mean that a couple isn’t doing that. All couples should actively discern, “Is God calling me NOT to have a child this cycle?” not the other way around as it is often approached.

Benefits of Learning NFP

I always recommend that a couple learn NFP even if they don’t plan on using it. If someone in the family gets a serious illness or a tragedy happens, then they don’t have to totally abstain during that time or learn an NFP method in the throes of suffering.

In conclusion, we are privileged to work with couples in this most intimate part of their marriage. When a couple comes to us wanting to know why they “have to” learn NFP, it is incumbent upon us to find out where they’re coming from and show them the beauty of their vocation and marital union as it images the Holy Trinity. We can share the benefits of NFP with all couples, even those who don’t plan on using it.

Author: Jenny Ingles, Groesbeck Fertility Care Center

NFP Life™ featuring Dr. Danielle & Kyle Koestner — This six-part video series is an overview, witness, and introduction to the beauty and science of Natural Family Planning. Watch the trailer below and register here.

 

/by

A Shared Approach to Natural Family Planning

, , , , , , , , ,
Read Time: 4 minutes

Red light, green light.

It’s a game I’ve seen some couples play as their approach to using Natural Family Planning (NFP). The woman attends most or all of the teaching sessions for the chosen method of NFP, she diligently charts and asks her instructor questions, and then she tells her husband if it’s a “go day” or a “no day.”

Can this system work? Sure, but I don’t think anyone really likes to be the gatekeeper, especially when it comes to intercourse.

Marriage involves sharing life with another person and helping get each other to Heaven. Understanding and taking care of your fertility can be part of that sanctifying, shared work. Prayerfully planning your family is a big responsibility, and it is one that should be shared. If you’re thinking about using NFP as a couple and wonder what it looks like and if it’s worth it, let’s dive into the details!

Objections to Sharing the Responsibility of Natural Family Planning

There are some objections I’ve seen with sharing the work of NFP. Some couples think they don’t have time to learn the system together. If you are engaged, you’ve got a million things you’re planning for the wedding. When are you meeting with your mentor couple? Did you call your parish back home to get your Baptism certificate sent over? Then, there’s the cake and the flowers and the seating chart and….the list goes on.

Those things seem so big, and they do matter.

However, the investments you make in your marriage during engagement will have huge ripple effects.

It’s easier to learn a method while you’re engaged and can get a handle on it before you try to use it for achieving or avoiding pregnancy. If you learn the method together, you’ll both feel confident using it once you’re married.

If you’re already married, you might have kids and worry about learning the system with them around. There are multiple solutions for this. Maybe you have someone who can help out with childcare. Maybe you can schedule an online session for after bedtime. The investment is worth your time and some creative planning.

Is Natural Family Planning Too Complicated?

Some couples also object to getting into the nitty gritty of biomarkers. Different methods of NFP track different signs of fertility or a combination of them. There’s basal body temperature, LH strips, monitoring hormone levels in urine, cervical positioning, cervical mucus, etc. One or both spouses might be hesitant to discuss these intimate bodily functions and biomarkers. They’re not glamorous. However, I like to say if you can talk about mucus, you can talk about anything.

Marriage involves talking about a lot of difficult topics. It’s not easy to talk about finances, communication, boundaries, relationships with extended family, etc. It takes practice to get used to navigating difficult conversations with your spouse. NFP and the details of the tracking process are some of these conversations. And let’s be real, marriage and parenthood involve messy bodily functions. Cleaning up a potty-training accident or the aftermath of a  stomach bug is not glamorous either.

How Can Men Help With NFP?

If you’re still on the fence about this whole shared use of NFP thing, I want to talk to the men specifically. You can help lead your family to holiness by sharing the everyday duties of NFP with your wife. Your role as a husband is to support your wife. You are partners on the road to Heaven. You are called to model for your children and those around you what it means to be a man of faith and a loving and supporting father and husband. As Ephesians 5:25 says,  “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her.”

That’s a tall order. Remember that marriage is a Sacrament. God will pour his grace into your marriage to enable you to live this call. “So [also] husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one hates his own flesh but rather nourishes and cherishes it, even as Christ does the church.” (Ephesians 28-29). What more beautiful way to live out this call than to cherish and deeply know your wife’s fertility?

Natural Family Planning is About Both of You

While NFP methods focus on the biomarkers of the woman’s fertility, they’re really about the couple’s fertility. Men, in general, are always fertile. Women’s fertility changes throughout their cycles and their lives. However, the only meaningful thing to discuss is the couple’s fertility. It is the couple who will together, as one family unit, one body, try to achieve or postpone a pregnancy. Look at charting as a way to understand your shared fertility as a couple.

If you’re now ready to take on NFP as a team, here are some practical tips. First, attend the teaching sessions together so you both have the knowledge to use NFP well. In some situations, the woman will have learned a method of charting prior to engagement. If this is the case, it would be wise to set up some meetings with the woman’s instructor during the engagement. This will be a refresher for the woman, get the man up to speed, and allow both to ask any questions. Both the man and woman should read any educational materials for learning their chosen method.

Can Men Do the Charting?

It’s also my personal recommendation that the man does the charting and recording. This works best after the wedding, and the couple can begin by doing the charting together. Two sets of eyes are better than one! After the wedding, the husband can transition into taking the lead on the charting. He can provide encouragement and reminders and ask his wife what her observations for that day were. He can encourage her and ask what he can do to support her when she feels overwhelmed with a difficult chart or is adjusting to charting during a new season of life.

By sharing the responsibilities of Natural Family Planning, couples can work as a team to care for and know their fertility.

1. Introductory Session to the Creighton Model FertilityCare System

Article by Julie McKay, Groesbeck Fertility Care Center

 

NFP Life™ featuring Dr. Danielle & Kyle Koestner — This six-part video series is an overview, witness, and introduction to the beauty and science of Natural Family Planning. Watch the trailer below and have your couples register here.

 

/by

My Interfaith Marriage

, , , , , , ,
Read Time: 3 minutes

The relationship between Protestants and Catholics can range from being ecumenically united to serve as Christ did, to the punchline of a good joke, to full-on violence between the two. Within that spectrum, many interfaith couples have come together and broken apart because of their theological differences. So how did we, as a mixed-race, interfaith, blended family, learn to lovingly edify each other in our walks with Christ?

The Backstory

It was two years after my (arguably) worst relationship when I began to open my heart again and pray for a husband. I had taken time to heal and resumed my intimate walk with the Lord. I felt called and ready to invite God into my desire for a holy man to share my life with. My main criteria for a partner were that he would know and love God, he had to be active in his faith, and that faith had to be his own.

I had no desire to be “unequally yoked” (2 Corinthians 6:14-18), but my heart was open to someone from another Christian denomination.

Two weeks after I opened my heart to pursuit, in walked Branden, who was (and still is) a Lutheran pastor. He blew the other suitors out of the water with his ability to listen actively, his drive to serve God in concrete applications, and his strikingly handsome features (a gift of his Native American heritage).

Branden was baptized as a Lutheran at age 10, very active at Stony Lake Lutheran Summer Camp for over a decade, and became a pastor in 2018. Alternately, I am a cradle Catholic, served with NET Ministries, and spent most of my adult life working for Catholic Churches and with Catholic families.

Coming Together

While our faith backgrounds are uniquely different, they hold enough in common that we could grow together and respect one another. In the early days of our relationship, I asked him what he thought of Mary and the Eucharist, knowing that this would be a make-or-break moment.

He responded with shockingly similar views on the Eucharist, and, regarding Mary, said, “She carried Jesus into the world while facing a lot of hardship, of course she should be respected.”

Being on the same page on the “big” things brings a lot of peace, but our disagreements are also a blessing. In fact, our theological debates and conversations are one of my greatest joys in our relationship. I love that I married a man who has a formal education in theology as well as a personal relationship with Jesus. And he is still constantly learning. Often our evenings end with us sitting in our own chairs (similar to Carl and Ellie in Pixar’s UP) reading our separate spiritual works. This “parallel play” often leads to one of us saying, “Did you___?” and initiating a great conversation.

See Alonna’s article: My Journey with NFP in Real Life

Keeping the Peace

While mutual respect and religious conversations are very present in our faith relationship, there are still points of contention as well. However, these points are often deeper in the weeds, not a matter of salvation. Some common ones we visit are, “Why are there seven sacraments?” or “Was Mary a perpetual virgin?” or “Why would Sola Scriptura be valid?”

I feel like I can safely assume these are common questions in a Catholic and Protestant household.

No matter what disagreements we encounter, my husband and I hold fast to the mission that we want to love each other well as we spend our time on earth being the hands and feet of our savior Jesus.

Serving in Unity

Our unified goal of loving and serving Jesus is essential for the health and success of our relationship. It is how we can come together and see that while we have differences, our common ground is broader than the points we don’t see eye to eye on.

We’ve also been able to compromise graciously. We attend both a Catholic Church and the Lutheran church where he serves. We tithe to both, and we support both NET Ministries and Stony Lake Lutheran Summer Camp. We respected each other’s traditions when we were dating, and we prayerfully incorporated both churches into our marriage in significant ways…but more on that to come.

/by

The 3 Scariest Letters of Marriage Prep: NFP

, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Read Time: 5 minutes

Such a monumental and life-changing event as a wedding deserves a significant amount of thought and planning to be sure! From the perfect church to complicated guest lists, to bouquets of flowers and more, planning a wedding requires a lot of time, effort, and brainpower.

With so much focus on the actual day of the wedding, many couples unwisely brush aside some of the -shall we say- less glamorous aspects of wedding preparation, including choosing a method of Natural Family Planning (NFP).

While I could go on and on about all things NFP, here are the most important things engaged couples need to know about NFP during Marriage Prep:

The World of NFP Can Seem Overwhelming  

Cervical mucus observations? Waking temperature? LH strips? What does it all mean, and how do they know what method is for them? There are many types of Natural Family Planning, which can make choosing a type of NFP feel overwhelming for many couples. Some couples have never heard of NFP, have heard it spoken of in a negative way, or feel like it’s much too complicated. In these cases, they need to know their feelings are valid, and they are not alone.

For these reasons and many more, they may place choosing an NFP method at the bottom of their wedding to-do list. When that happens, as they cross items off their list and it gets closer and closer to their wedding, many couples “panic shop” the various types of NFP methods. Some may commit to the first one they learn about without fully understanding the method or discerning if it will work best with their lifestyle.

How can we help couples realize that choosing a type of NFP is good for a healthy and successful marriage? How do we make it more than an item to be crossed off on their wedding prep checklist?

We (the Church) Can Help You Navigate This Choice

If we want to help couples avoid last-minute decisions about Natural Family Planning, we can begin by accompanying them on the journey and sharing knowledge. An important first step is helping them understand the basics of the primary methods of NFP.

The current most popular methods are:

  1. Ovulation methods, like the Creighton Model FertilityCare System or the Billings’ Ovulation Method
  2. Sympto-Hormonal methods, such as the Marquette Model
  3. Sympto-Thermal methods such as Couple to Couple League and SymptoPro
  4. Crosscheck methods, which combine all three aspects of the methods listed above, such as the Boston Crosscheck Method

If that list leaves you feeling overwhelmed with the world of NFP, remember neither you nor the couples you serve need to be an expert in each of the various methods. A basic understanding of the different types of NFP is enough to help them make an informed and intentional decision about what type of NFP will work for their marriage.

Before choosing a method, each couple should consider their lifestyle, family goals, and health concerns. Have them openly and honestly discuss which method of NFP “makes sense” for both of them. Providing resources for couples to learn the basics of more than one method is important and can lead to greater success. Also, if they find they’re unhappy with their chosen method, they can switch to another one.

Start Charting As Soon As Possible

We all are familiar with the saying, “Practice makes perfect.” This saying also applies to using NFP! Once a couple selects a model or method of NFP they feel will meet their family planning needs, they should begin receiving instruction in the selected method and begin charting as soon as possible.

As a FertilityCare Practitioner of the Creighton Model FertilityCare System, I see all too often that couples decide early on during marriage preparation which NFP method they want to use, but they don’t actually begin learning the method until a few weeks before their wedding. This can lead to frustrations, uncertainty, and nervousness about NFP as their wedding day approaches.

A couple that begins learning their selected method of NFP early on during their Marriage Prep, and continues to work with their method instructor, will be more confident in their understanding of their fertility on the day of their wedding and beyond. That also leads to fewer jitters on their wedding day!

Who’s Responsible for Natural Family Planning?

While it’s true the methods of NFP focus on the cyclic changes happening within a woman’s body, that does not mean that the burden of learning a method of NFP falls squarely on the woman’s shoulders. A couple will discuss their Natural Family Planning method every day of their married life, which means both the man and the woman need to work on this together during their engagement and marriage preparation.

Encourage both the man and the woman to attend classes for their chosen method and discuss the results of their charting daily, just like they will do during their marriage. Trust me, if an engaged couple can seriously discuss their understanding and planned use of their Natural Family Planning method during their time of marriage preparation, they will have a lot of great practice for communication when they are married. Many of us in the world of NFP like to say when working with a couple, “If you two can talk about this, you can talk about anything!”

Natural Family Planning is Not Easy

Natural Family Planning is about more than the physical body, trying to conceive, or discerning when to open oneself up to a new addition to the family. There are spiritual principles that provide the foundation for every one of the physical practices, and couples need to know these as well. Approaching all of this in an approachable and authentic way is essential to helping engaged couples prepare for practicing NFP throughout their marriage.

As a spiritual leader, you can support couples by equipping them with the knowledge they’ll need to navigate the spiritual, physical, and practical aspects of Natural Family Planning. Creating a resource page on your parish website that includes recommended courses, websites, and downloadable info sheets is a great way to help couples learn.

Here are some of our favorites:

They’re Just Getting Started

With everything there is to learn about Natural Family Planning, marriage prep is just the beginning, especially if this is the couple’s first exposure to the topic. Reminding them that the Church and many fertility care providers are there to help, that they can start learning and charting before the wedding, and that they’ll need to support one another in this sometimes difficult journey will be a tremendous help.

If you need help educating couples in Natural Family Planning, please reach out for a free demo of our course, NFP Life, an excellent overview of the beauty and science of NFP that teaches the basics of each method and the spiritual foundations based on Humane Vitae and Theology of the Body.

You can also connect couples with one-on-one coaching from a certified FertilityCare Practitioner at Groesbeck FertilityCare Center for help with the Creighton Method of NFP.
https://www.groesbeckfertility.com/philosophy

Authors: Natalie Klinkhammer, BSN, RN, FCP & Jessie Wiegand

NFP Life™ featuring Dr. Danielle & Kyle Koestner — This six-part video series is an overview, witness, and introduction to the beauty and science of Natural Family Planning. Watch the trailer below and have your couples register here.

 

/by

My Journey With NFP in Real Life

, , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Read Time: 3 minutes

From single, to used, to married…

My journey with NFP in real life has been anything but linear.

A loop-de-loop would be a more appropriate term.

Even before marriage, I was encouraged by a Catholic mentor to proactively begin charting my menstrual cycles. Learning about my body’s cyclical nature was empowering, and it helped me discover my PCOS diagnosis! It was also fascinating to become aware of the intricacies of God’s design for a woman’s body.

Unfortunately, there was a time in my life when that knowledge was completely discarded, and what had started as an insightful journey was exchanged for someone else’s pleasure.

Trading NFP and Chastity for a Toxic Relationship

In my early twenties, I joyfully moved to the Twin Cities in Minnesota to pursue my master’s degree and be closer to my boyfriend. After five months in a big city far from home, my application was denied, and I was single.

During this low season, I met a man that I KNEW was no good for me, but it felt so nice to have some playful dates to take my mind off of the heartache I felt. However, it wasn’t long until things took a drastic turn.

This man quickly revealed that he could be both manipulative and controlling, and I felt swept along in a current that I couldn’t get out of. Before long, we were having a one-sided sexual relationship. I threw my years of charting and learning about my body out the window when he wanted sex. He had no interest in Natural Family Planning (NFP) and would put on a condom while he proceeded to use me.

It was dehumanizing, on many levels. This behavior continued for several months, and it wasn’t until I became pregnant (with twins!) that I made a heartfelt return to God, and He equipped me with the courage to escape.

Relearning Healthy Sexuality

Fast forward a few years (and several stories) later, and the twins and I are in a safe space. I became reacquainted with myself by resuming charting and learning my body’s new patterns (because postpartum can look different!). I also met the wonderful man who would become my husband.

When we began dating, I was very clear that NFP was important to me, and I invited him to explore it as well. He was open-minded and so supportive even though NFP was new to him.

After our marriage, it bolstered my confidence even more to see how he actively observed what my body was doing and participated alongside me in the journey of NFP.

While trying to conceive (TTC), there would be hilarious times when he would read the ClearBlue monitor and exclaim “It says peak!” as he hoisted me right back into the bed.

Reclaiming My Sexuality

Now, my husband and I have been learning to work together to discern whether we should try to wait (TTW) or TTC.

My body is respected and listened to, and as a result I feel more at home in my body.

I still grieve for the times in the past when I allowed myself to be used, but I also rejoice in how I am currently being honored.

Upon further reflection, I praise God for how He redeemed a situation that was not His will and turned it into a path for two people to come together in a way that respects His design for life.

NFP Life™ featuring Dr. Danielle & Kyle Koestner — This six-part video series is an overview, witness, and introduction to the beauty and science of Natural Family Planning. Watch the trailer below and register here.

 

/by

Reenergize Your Family Life Director

, , , , , , ,
Read Time: 3 minutes

“As a priest and pastor, what can I do for my Family Life or Marriage Ministry Director?”

If this is a question you have asked yourself in the past, then you are on the right track! It is not a secret to anyone that Family Life Directors are not only busy, but they are also tired and burned out. They are, after all, human!

In recent years, especially during and after the pandemic, ministers in the Church have been asked to do more with less. They have had to take on more responsibilities, do more work, be more creative, and work more hours. On top of this, they are working with fewer resources, a smaller staff, and reduced budgets.

As a priest and pastor, have you asked yourself what this situation created in the life and ministry of your Family Life Minister? Have you had a chance to speak openly to your Director of Family Life about these issues?

We at The Marriage Group, as your partners in mission, want to offer you some ideas that might help your Family Life Minister stay engaged in the mission and vision you have for the parish.

Personal Retreat

A day (or two) of personal retreat might be what your Family Life Director needs. Going away to pray, rest, and get re-energized is always a good thing! A personal retreat is an opportunity to take some much-needed time away to obtain a better perspective on everything that keeps us busy.

Most of us never do it!

Ask your Family Life Director, “When was the last time you went on a personal retreat?”

This is not a retreat that they organize for people in the parish, but a personal retreat where they themselves are the recipients.

Day of Reflection

A Day of Reflection is an opportunity for ministers to attend a professional presentation on a topic that is beneficial to them not just in their professional life but also in their personal life. Invite them to take advantage of the opportunities that your diocese may offer.

You can also look for these opportunities taking place at Catholic colleges/universities or seminaries. Listening to a great presentation gives ministers food for thought, and it also gives them the opportunity to share with other lay ministers in the area.

Connection With National/Local Organizations

There are so many benefits to belonging to a local or national Catholic organization! Ministers need to connect with their peers to hear and see what is working in other areas of their city/state/country. Best practices are shared freely by those attending local and national conferences. It happens naturally over coffee, lunch, or dinner. Newsletters, Zoom/video conferences, and webinars, are all ways to stay connected at the local and national level with other ministry professionals.

Healthy and Open Conversations

Staff meetings are NOT the place where your staff will share their personal struggles. Have regular conversations (yes, just a conversation) with your Family Life Director, and ask him/her, “How are YOU doing? What are your struggles?” and then just listen. Open your heart and be present.

These are just some examples of what you can do to help your Family Life Director stay engaged with the mission and vision you have for the parish. You, as the pastor, have the capacity to empower your staff and to help them stay focused, and the best way to do it is by spending time with them.

We want to help! Please let us know how we can assist you in this task. We are, after all, your companions in mission!

Got a minute? Please watch the following video for a personal message from Claudio Mora, Director of Catholic Programs:

/by

Common Questions About NFP

, , , , , , , , , , ,
Read Time: 4 minutes

There is a lot of excitement when you first get engaged. It can be a very thrilling season of life, but it also includes a big checklist of things to do. Depending on the length of your engagement, you’ll either be in a rush or have some time to complete everything. Either way, one thing that needs to be on your list is learning about Natural Family Planning or NFP.

Learning about NFP can be a daunting task. There are a lot of different methods out there to pick from and a multitude of opportunities to learn about them. You’ll have to make sure you fulfill all the requirements your diocese and parish require and decide whether you’ll take a course in-person or online.

With all this searching and decision-making, you may find yourself thinking about questions that you feel nervous or afraid to ask. No worries! There are no questions you cannot ask.

Allow us to get the “awkwardness” out of the way.

Here are some of the common questions couples have about Natural Family Planning:

Do we have to practice NFP?

The answer here is “yes” and “no”. Practicing NFP is a very personal decision that every couple has to make together. There are a lot of different methods you can practice, and making the decision as a team is important for building a strong foundation for intimacy in your marriage.

With that said, maybe one or both of you do not feel you need to practice NFP or don’t want to.

There are many reasons couples feel this way. Some feel they want to be totally open and let God do the deciding for them. Other couples simply don’t believe in it. If you’re unsure about using a natural method, make sure you voice your concerns with your NFP teacher or the priest, deacon, or family life director walking you through marriage prep.

Am I going to get pregnant right away if we use NFP?

This is a myth. There are a lot of people out there who believe using a natural method does not work and you will end up with tons and tons of children. This is not the case. If you need to avoid pregnancy when you first get married, and you are using a method of NFP, there is a good chance you will be successful.

No method is perfect, but if you start practicing your chosen method several months before your wedding and feel comfortable and confident with it, you really should be successful. There is a saying in the NFP community, “You know when you are fertile on any given day.” That knowledge can help you determine the perfect time to start a family and delay it if necessary.

Isn’t NFP too hard?

NFP does have its ups and downs, just like life. A woman’s body changes with the seasons of her life, which means her natural cycles change from time to time as well.

There will be times when you know exactly what is happening with your cycle, and there will be other times when it’s difficult to interpret. Either way, you just can have faith and avoid living in fear. Living in fear, or constantly feeling like you’re struggling, can hinder your success with NFP.

If you’re having a hard time with NFP, maybe you need to switch to a different method or connect with other couples and discuss your issues. Some methods have practitioners you can work with one-on-one: use those practitioners to your advantage, they are there to help you. NFP teaches us to turn our negative motivations into positive ones.

None of my friends or family use NFP, so how do I explain it to them?

First and foremost, it doesn’t matter what other people are doing. That may sound harsh, but it is true. Ultimately, you are doing what is best for your marriage and your overall health by using NFP.

That is the truest explanation; you are doing the best thing for you.

Your friends and family may not agree or understand, and that is okay. This could be your chance to educate them and maybe even change their hearts. It may be best to pass along the links to classes or websites you’ve learned from, and let them research for themselves. The bottom line: do not decide to use Natural Family Planning based on the opinions of others; make the choice for you and your spouse.

Ask and Ask Again

When it comes to using Natural Family Planning, you may have many more questions. It can be confusing and even intimidating at the beginning, but do not be afraid to ask questions and keep asking.

You are making a big decision for your marriage and future family.

If you need help making the right choice, there are great resources available online. Your parish and/or diocese can also help you research the best Natural Family Planning solution for your family.

Author: Daria Bailey, Groesbeck Fertility Care Center

NFP Life™ featuring Dr. Danielle & Kyle Koestner — This six-part video series is an overview, witness, and introduction to the beauty and science of Natural Family Planning. Watch the trailer below and register here.

 

/by