NFP: Guiding Couples Down the Path of Understanding

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Read Time: 3 minutes

In the sacred journey of marriage preparation within the Catholic Church, one of the pivotal discussions revolves around family planning. As clergy, deacons, and dedicated individuals guiding engaged couples, it’s crucial to facilitate a thoughtful and thorough exploration of Natural Family Planning.

While some couples approach family planning as a choice among many options, we, as a Church, know that there is only one way of life that truly aligns with their faith and values.

NFP: Embracing the Natural Rhythm of Life

Natural Family Planning, as the name suggests, is rooted in the natural rhythms of a woman’s body. Here, couples work together to understand a woman’s fertility cycle, which involves tracking her menstrual cycles and identifying fertile and infertile time periods.

By using NFP,  a couple is honoring the intricate design of the human body, acknowledging fertility as a gift from God. In recognizing the holiness of the intricate design of our bodies we can also look at the simplicity of using NFP. It is a natural system. There are no chemicals involved, which could possibly have long term effects on a woman’s hormones, and there are no physical barriers.

NFP comes from a non-invasive stance and does not interfere with the marital act. The couple is choosing to participate in the family planning together. By making this decision together, the couple begins their marriage from a place of fostering communication and bringing in unity to their marriage.

The Unity of Pleasure &  Procreation

Unity in marriage arises from more than just honoring the body and having good communication. When a couple relies on Natural Family Planning, they forgo practices that intentionally prevent conception, such as using birth control pills, condoms, and intrauterine devices. These various methods are truly the complete opposite of what using Natural Family Planning brings to a marriage.

Couples need to understand contraceptives are intentionally used to disrupt the natural process of conception, often separating sexual pleasure, which is part of the unitive aspect of marital intercourse, from its procreative potential.

Natural Family Planning teaches that the marital act is built on the foundation of being open to the procreative potential. When you separate pleasure from procreation, there is a separation between husband and wife that can occur; it disrupts their unity.

The Moral Dilemma of Artificial Contraception

The use of artificial contraception is contrary to Catholic teaching because it challenges the sanctity of marital love and God’s plan for life. With artificial contraception, not only is the marital act being diminished, but there are health considerations for women and unborn children as well.

From a practical standpoint, it is important for couples to know that some forms of contraception may have potential health risks and side effects. These are well documented, and the implications can be explored for both medical and spiritual outcomes.

Guiding Couples To Education & Prayer

Finally, in working with couples and guiding them into a deeper understanding of Natural Family Planning, it is vital that we as a Church teach them how to continue learning and praying about this subject. This may include inviting them to pray together and seek spiritual guidance along the way. We can also recommend NFP classes to equip them with the knowledge and skills needed for effective Natural Family Planning.

Understanding that each couple is different is important. When guiding couples through this process, it is crucial to have a basic understanding of different forms of Natural Family Planning. We also need to be practical and encourage them to seek medical professionals who will support them in using a natural method.

Respecting God’s Design

In the beautiful tapestry of marriage preparation, helping couples properly understand and choose Natural Family Planning is a vital thread. By sharing the benefits and helping them consider their faith, values, and health, couples can embark on a path which respects God’s design while nurturing the sacred bond of marriage. As guides and mentors, let us continue to support couples toward an understanding of NFP that aligns with their deepest convictions, fostering love, unity, and respect in their marital journey.

Author: Daria Bailey, BA, CFCP • Groesbeck FertilityCare™ Center

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New Finances Production

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Read Time: 2 minutes

What do engaged couples need to know about finances during marriage prep?

This is a big question to answer. Especially considering the diversity of couples who get married in the Catholic Church.

Did you know the average age of couples taking our online Catholic marriage prep course is 30?

We also serve couples who are widowed and entering into a second marriage, some are forming blended families, and some are already retired. We also have our share of twenty-somethings who are embarking on married life straight from their parent’s homes and financial protection.

That means we’re talking to couples on a spectrum that ranges from no experience managing money all the way up to experienced and wondering, “Why are they making me learn this?”

Finances Segment in Our Online Pre-Cana Program

We believe that a good Pre-Cana course will evoke curiosity and discussion because there is no way to cover every aspect of every subject a couple will face in a life together. So, when we updated the finances segment in Living Our Faith In Love we started with the Spiritual Principles of Money Management.

The new segment starts by unpacking our value as human beings created by God, and it explains how our understanding of our value can shape the way we view and handle our finances.

As presenters in the segment, Chris and I (Jessie) have learned time and time again that the root of our money struggles and fights is often a desire to find meaning and purpose in material things rather than our standing in Christ.

When we got curious about those struggles and started to talk about them, we gained the skills to navigate our challenges in new ways. That’s what we hope to pass along to the couples taking this course, and we hope we’ve been able to do that no matter what their experience is handling finances.

The new segment also includes tips on how to talk about money, how to resolve conflict, and a few practical tools we’ve used over the years to stay organized and steward our resources responsibly.

We had a great time preparing for and presenting this segment, and we hope couples taking Living Our Faith In Love enjoy it too. Even after 27+ years of marriage, we’re still learning how to spend, save, and share what we’ve been blessed with.

Whether you’re just starting out or you’re blending established portfolios with your partner, we pray that you’ll enjoy this new edition to our online Catholic marriage prep class!

– Chris & Jessie Wiegand

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Learn NFP

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Read Time: 4 minutes

“Why are you making me learn NFP?” 

It’s a question I get a lot in my capacity as the Director of Fertility and Life Ministries for the Diocese of Lansing. Often this question comes from engaged couples going through Marriage Prep, but I also get it from couples referred to me by a priest.

While it’s easy to think this question has a “can’t we just use contraception?” connotation behind it, I’ve found that some faithful Catholics who reject contraception also don’t see value in Natural Family Planning.

Let’s discuss two common reasons couples don’t want to use NFP, and how we can respond:

The first reason is that couples are not familiar with Church teaching about NFP, which may lead to rejection.

The second is that couples don’t plan on using NFP.

Our response to these couples will depend on where they’re coming from, but the foundation is the same. When couples ask why they “have to” learn NFP, highlighting the beauty of how their sexual union images the Holy Trinity is foundational.

Where to Start When Teaching NFP

When I work with couples, I always start with JPII’s Theology of the Body by emphasizing how their union images the Holy Trinity.

God, as we know, IS Love. (1 John 4:16)

He is not maleficent, cruel, or selfish. He does not use or objectify. As such, the Father pours out Himself totally, as a self-gift to the Son. The Son, in turn, actively receives that gift and pours out Himself totally, as a self-gift to the Father. That mutual, eternal love between the two IS the Holy Spirit.

A married couple, in imaging the Holy Trinity, can visualize their union by contemplating how the husband pours himself out totally as a self-gift to his wife. The wife, in turn, actively receives that gift and pours out herself totally as a self-gift to her husband. That mutual love between the two IS (or can be) a child.

Once that foundation is set, I can have a discussion with the couple on why they reject NFP.

I find it’s easiest to convince a contraceptively-minded couple of the beauty of NFP. I used to approach these couples by highlighting the dangers of contraceptives and how women become objectified by them. While that approach often worked, I discovered those couples would eventually stop using NFP once it became difficult or cumbersome. So I switched methods (NFP pun intended).

Their Union Images the Holy Trinity

Now, I start by explaining how their union images the Holy Trinity. Then, we discuss how contraception prevents them from pouring themselves out totally to each other because one of them is withholding their fertility. Next, we talk about Humanae vitae and how we can know (through our reason alone) that sexual intercourse has two ends, procreative and unitive, and to trying to separate the two destroys what sexual intercourse is. It turns it into a different kind of thing.

It’s true that I have a somewhat smaller rate of convincing these couples to choose NFP using this method than I did using the scare-tactic method, but when I follow up with these couples down the road, they are still totally sold on NFP. These couples also tend to use periodic abstinence more successfully than the others do. In short, contraceptively-minded couples respond better to the “why” behind NFP than they do to “contraceptives are dangerous.”

NFP Isn’t Just About Avoiding Pregnancy

Couples who don’t plan on using NFP, however, require a different approach. When a couple comes to me totally sold on the Church’s teaching against contraceptives but then rejects NFP, I still start with how their union Images the Holy Trinity. I show them that part of that is total self-gift to each other, and there may be a time in the future where part of that self-gift is abstinence due to illness or a different serious life event. I then do a little digging to find out where they’re coming from.

Sometimes a couple is actively trying to conceive, or plans to once they’re married, and they view NFP as a type of contraception. For these couples, I explain that NFP isn’t just about avoiding pregnancy. It’s also about conceiving a pregnancy. 75% of couples who use a certain method of NFP conceive within three cycles of trying to get pregnant whereas it can take up to a year without using NFP.

The Postpartum Period

I also make them aware of the fact that it’s more difficult to learn a method of NFP during the postpartum period if they do plan on using it to space pregnancies. The reason for this is that it can take up to a year (sometimes longer) for a woman to start cycling again, and her hormones can make it difficult to track her biomarkers.

Other couples reject NFP, and see it as a type of rejection of God’s gift of children. It is praiseworthy when couples throw themselves fully into the arms of the Lord and decide to accept children without hesitation. In fact, it is what all married couples are called to. However, the use of NFP does not mean that a couple isn’t doing that. All couples should actively discern, “Is God calling me NOT to have a child this cycle?” not the other way around as it is often approached.

Benefits of Learning NFP

I always recommend that a couple learn NFP even if they don’t plan on using it. If someone in the family gets a serious illness or a tragedy happens, then they don’t have to totally abstain during that time or learn an NFP method in the throes of suffering.

In conclusion, we are privileged to work with couples in this most intimate part of their marriage. When a couple comes to us wanting to know why they “have to” learn NFP, it is incumbent upon us to find out where they’re coming from and show them the beauty of their vocation and marital union as it images the Holy Trinity. We can share the benefits of NFP with all couples, even those who don’t plan on using it.

Author: Jenny Ingles, Groesbeck Fertility Care Center

NFP Life™ featuring Dr. Danielle & Kyle Koestner — This six-part video series is an overview, witness, and introduction to the beauty and science of Natural Family Planning. Watch the trailer below and register here.

 

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The 3 Scariest Letters of Marriage Prep: NFP

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Read Time: 5 minutes

Such a monumental and life-changing event as a wedding deserves a significant amount of thought and planning to be sure! From the perfect church to complicated guest lists, to bouquets of flowers and more, planning a wedding requires a lot of time, effort, and brainpower.

With so much focus on the actual day of the wedding, many couples unwisely brush aside some of the -shall we say- less glamorous aspects of wedding preparation, including choosing a method of Natural Family Planning (NFP).

While I could go on and on about all things NFP, here are the most important things engaged couples need to know about NFP during Marriage Prep:

The World of NFP Can Seem Overwhelming  

Cervical mucus observations? Waking temperature? LH strips? What does it all mean, and how do they know what method is for them? There are many types of Natural Family Planning, which can make choosing a type of NFP feel overwhelming for many couples. Some couples have never heard of NFP, have heard it spoken of in a negative way, or feel like it’s much too complicated. In these cases, they need to know their feelings are valid, and they are not alone.

For these reasons and many more, they may place choosing an NFP method at the bottom of their wedding to-do list. When that happens, as they cross items off their list and it gets closer and closer to their wedding, many couples “panic shop” the various types of NFP methods. Some may commit to the first one they learn about without fully understanding the method or discerning if it will work best with their lifestyle.

How can we help couples realize that choosing a type of NFP is good for a healthy and successful marriage? How do we make it more than an item to be crossed off on their wedding prep checklist?

We (the Church) Can Help Couples Navigate This Choice

If we want to help couples avoid last-minute decisions about Natural Family Planning, we can begin by accompanying them on the journey and sharing knowledge. An important first step is helping them understand the basics of the primary methods of NFP.

The current most popular methods are:

  1. Ovulation methods, like the Creighton Model FertilityCare System or the Billings’ Ovulation Method
  2. Sympto-Hormonal methods, such as the Marquette Model
  3. Sympto-Thermal methods such as Couple to Couple League and SymptoPro
  4. Crosscheck methods, which combine all three aspects of the methods listed above, such as the Boston Crosscheck Method

If that list leaves you feeling overwhelmed with the world of NFP, remember neither you nor the couples you serve need to be an expert in each of the various methods. A basic understanding of the different types of NFP is enough to help them make an informed and intentional decision about what type of NFP will work for their marriage.

Before choosing a method, each couple should consider their lifestyle, family goals, and health concerns. Have them openly and honestly discuss which method of NFP “makes sense” for both of them. Providing resources for couples to learn the basics of more than one method is important and can lead to greater success. Also, if they find they’re unhappy with their chosen method, they can switch to another one.

Start Charting As Soon As Possible

We all are familiar with the saying, “Practice makes perfect.” This saying also applies to using NFP! Once a couple selects a model or method of NFP they feel will meet their family planning needs, they should begin receiving instruction in the selected method and begin charting as soon as possible.

As a FertilityCare Practitioner of the Creighton Model FertilityCare System, I see all too often that couples decide early on during marriage preparation which NFP method they want to use, but they don’t actually begin learning the method until a few weeks before their wedding. This can lead to frustrations, uncertainty, and nervousness about NFP as their wedding day approaches.

A couple that begins learning their selected method of NFP early on during their Marriage Prep, and continues to work with their method instructor, will be more confident in their understanding of their fertility on the day of their wedding and beyond. That also leads to fewer jitters on their wedding day!

Who’s Responsible for Natural Family Planning?

While it’s true the methods of NFP focus on the cyclic changes happening within a woman’s body, that does not mean that the burden of learning a method of NFP falls squarely on the woman’s shoulders. A couple will discuss their Natural Family Planning method every day of their married life, which means both the man and the woman need to work on this together during their engagement and marriage preparation.

Encourage both the man and the woman to attend classes for their chosen method and discuss the results of their charting daily, just like they will do during their marriage. Trust me, if an engaged couple can seriously discuss their understanding and planned use of their Natural Family Planning method during their time of marriage preparation, they will have a lot of great practice for communication when they are married. Many of us in the world of NFP like to say when working with a couple, “If you two can talk about this, you can talk about anything!”

Natural Family Planning is Not Easy

Natural Family Planning is about more than the physical body, trying to conceive, or discerning when to open oneself up to a new addition to the family. There are spiritual principles that provide the foundation for every one of the physical practices, and couples need to know these as well. Approaching all of this in an approachable and authentic way is essential to helping engaged couples prepare for practicing NFP throughout their marriage.

As a spiritual leader, you can support couples by equipping them with the knowledge they’ll need to navigate the spiritual, physical, and practical aspects of Natural Family Planning. Creating a resource page on your parish website that includes recommended courses, websites, and downloadable info sheets is a great way to help couples learn.

Here are some of our favorites:

They’re Just Getting Started

With everything there is to learn about Natural Family Planning, marriage prep is just the beginning, especially if this is the couple’s first exposure to the topic. Reminding them that the Church and many fertility care providers are there to help, that they can start learning and charting before the wedding, and that they’ll need to support one another in this sometimes difficult journey will be a tremendous help.

If you need help educating couples in Natural Family Planning, please reach out for a free demo of our course, NFP Life, an excellent overview of the beauty and science of NFP that teaches the basics of each method and the spiritual foundations based on Humane Vitae and Theology of the Body.

You can also connect couples with one-on-one coaching from a certified FertilityCare Practitioner at Groesbeck FertilityCare Center for help with the Creighton Method of NFP.
https://www.groesbeckfertility.com/philosophy

Authors: Natalie Klinkhammer, BSN, RN, FCP & Jessie Wiegand

NFP Life™ featuring Dr. Danielle & Kyle Koestner — This six-part video series is an overview, witness, and introduction to the beauty and science of Natural Family Planning. Watch the trailer below and have your couples register here.

 

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Reenergize Your Family Life Director

Read Time: 3 minutes

“As a priest and pastor, what can I do for my Family Life or Marriage Ministry Director?”

If this is a question you have asked yourself in the past, then you are on the right track! It is not a secret to anyone that Family Life Directors are not only busy, but they are also tired and burned out. They are, after all, human!

In recent years, especially during and after the pandemic, ministers in the Church have been asked to do more with less. They have had to take on more responsibilities, do more work, be more creative, and work more hours. On top of this, they are working with fewer resources, a smaller staff, and reduced budgets.

As a priest and pastor, have you asked yourself what this situation created in the life and ministry of your Family Life Minister? Have you had a chance to speak openly to your Director of Family Life about these issues?

We at The Marriage Group, as your partners in mission, want to offer you some ideas that might help your Family Life Minister stay engaged in the mission and vision you have for the parish.

Personal Retreat

A day (or two) of personal retreat might be what your Family Life Director needs. Going away to pray, rest, and get re-energized is always a good thing! A personal retreat is an opportunity to take some much-needed time away to obtain a better perspective on everything that keeps us busy.

Most of us never do it!

Ask your Family Life Director, “When was the last time you went on a personal retreat?”

This is not a retreat that they organize for people in the parish, but a personal retreat where they themselves are the recipients.

Day of Reflection

A Day of Reflection is an opportunity for ministers to attend a professional presentation on a topic that is beneficial to them not just in their professional life but also in their personal life. Invite them to take advantage of the opportunities that your diocese may offer.

You can also look for these opportunities taking place at Catholic colleges/universities or seminaries. Listening to a great presentation gives ministers food for thought, and it also gives them the opportunity to share with other lay ministers in the area.

Connection With National/Local Organizations

There are so many benefits to belonging to a local or national Catholic organization! Ministers need to connect with their peers to hear and see what is working in other areas of their city/state/country. Best practices are shared freely by those attending local and national conferences. It happens naturally over coffee, lunch, or dinner. Newsletters, Zoom/video conferences, and webinars, are all ways to stay connected at the local and national level with other ministry professionals.

Healthy and Open Conversations

Staff meetings are NOT the place where your staff will share their personal struggles. Have regular conversations (yes, just a conversation) with your Family Life Director, and ask him/her, “How are YOU doing? What are your struggles?” and then just listen. Open your heart and be present.

These are just some examples of what you can do to help your Family Life Director stay engaged with the mission and vision you have for the parish. You, as the pastor, have the capacity to empower your staff and to help them stay focused, and the best way to do it is by spending time with them.

We want to help! Please let us know how we can assist you in this task. We are, after all, your companions in mission!

Got a minute? Please watch the following video for a personal message from Claudio Mora, Director of Catholic Programs:

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Cultural Sensitivity

Read Time: 2 minutes

Ministry in a Multicultural Church

Cultural diversity is a reality that touches not only our country but also the Church. Parishes have become a home to people from different cultural backgrounds. Today in our parishes, we find people who speak different languages, have different cultural and religious traditions, are different nationalities, races, etc.

All of them are present in what is now known today as a shared parish.

How Should We Respond?

Now more than ever, ministers in the Church need to be equipped with a special set of skills that include cultural sensitivity and multicultural competencies. These skills will ensure that the Church will continue carrying out its mission of evangelization to all nations, as Jesus commanded his apostles, “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations.” (Matthew 28:19)

Doing ministry in a multicultural parish starts with:

  • A desire to relate and get to know people from other cultures.
  • Respect for those who come from a cultural background different from your own.
  • The awareness that the Church is Universal, there’s a place for everyone at the table.

What Can We Build?

Once this basic set of skills have been established, we can start outlining the more specific skills or competencies that are necessary when serving as a minister in a multicultural parish. This set of competences have been developed by the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops in the program Building Intercultural Competencies for Ministers and they include:

  • Developing intercultural communication skills.
  • Expanding our knowledge of those obstacles that impede effective intercultural relations.
  • Fostering ecclesial integration rather than assimilation.

Intercultural Competence is the capacity to communicate, relate, and work across cultural boundaries. It involves developing capacity in three areas: knowledge, skills, and attitudes.

  • Knowledge of the different dynamics, techniques, modes, and styles of communication in different cultural settings.
  • Skills to build relationships based on respect for people of different cultures and ethnicities.
  • Attitude of openness to other cultures, attitude of wanting to learn from other cultures, attitude of seeing cultural differences as a way of life not as a problem to be solved.

What Could Result?

As a Family Life Director serving in a diocese or in a parish, your ministry will be so much more efficient if you cultivate these skills and develop these competencies. You will be not only be more effective, but you will also be more faithful to the call we have received from the Lord, “that they all may be one.” (John 17:21).

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Networking With Fellow Family Life Ministers

Read Time: 2 minutes

You Are Not an Island: The Value of Networking With Fellow Family Life Ministers

Picture an island in the middle of the ocean. The words that come to mind when you think of an island may be: disconnected, isolated, lonely, independent. While these are accurate, we must also realize that islands are higher elevations of land that are still connected to the continents, but those connections are covered by water.

This analogy helps us to think about ourselves as Family Life/Marriage ministers. Many times, we think we are alone, disconnected, isolated, lonely, and independent, but we are not. There are many connections out there that we may not see, but they are truly there to help us in our ministry.

Changing Your Mindset

First, we must think about ministry as relational. Ministry is not something we do alone. The document from the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, Co-Workers in the Vineyard of the Lord, tells us:

“Ministry is diverse and, at the same time, profoundly relational. This is so because ministry has its source in the triune God and because it takes shape within the Church understood as a communion. Ministerial relationships are grounded first in what all members of Christ’s Body have in common.”

Enabling Your Growth

Second, we must look at the benefits we obtain when we connect, network, and collaborate with other Family Life/Marriage Ministry minsters both locally and around the country:

  • Best practices: One thing that is common in ministry is that we share our joys! We share what works, our successes. When we network with other ministers, we learn what has worked for them, and we can implement those best practices into our own areas of ministry.
  • New resources: There may be a new book, a new video, a new program that other Family Life/Marriage Ministers are using that you didn’t know about. Networking gives you access to new resources that may be very effective for your ministry.
  • Get free advice: When you are not sure if a technique/resource/decision is effective, you can consult with your peers and ask for advice. This is completely free! You have access to other people’s experiences and points of view that can only enrich your own perspective.
  • Prayer partners: People who are in the same ministry position, but in other areas of your diocese, understand what you are going through, and they are your best supporters. Create your own prayer network! Find a few colleagues with whom you feel comfortable and establish the practice of praying for one another. Share prayer intentions and lift each other up in prayer!

Positioning Yourself for Success

All this to say, you are not expected to go through this responsibility of being a diocesan or a parish Family Life/Marriage Ministry minister alone. You have great people around you! Get in touch with them. Talk to them often. Visit each other if you live close by. Get together for coffee and for informal conversations.

All this will only make your ministerial experience even more successful.

Lastly, remember that we at The Marriage Group are also here to network and collaborate with you. We are your partners in ministry, and all of us would be more than happy to chat with you and share our experiences in ministry.

We wish you all the success in the world!

Claudio Mora and The Marriage Group Team.

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How the Pandemic Changed Engaged Catholic Couples

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Read Time: 3 minutes

In 2022, we were blessed to serve over 6,000 engaged Catholic couples from 72 countries around the world.

We recently reflected on the data collected from our course participants, and we saw a marked difference in a couple of key areas. As ministry leaders, you have likely experienced these changing demographics in your work with couples.

Here are a few things we learned about how the pandemic changed engaged Catholic couples, and how that affects marriage and family life ministry.

Average Ages:

  • Bride: 30
  • Groom: 32

What changed: The average age of both has increased by 1 year. This number has been rising steadily in the U.S. since the early 2000s when brides were around 25 and grooms were around 26. The average age is only slightly lower for Catholic couples than it is for the general population.

Engagement Length:

  • Average: 642 days

The length of engagement is significantly longer than in previous years. In the past, the average was around 500 days. This is due to postponed and rescheduled weddings because of COVID-19.

Location:

  • Same Location: 83%
  • Different Locations: 5%
  • Combination: 12%

More couples are using our programs from the same location. Our online courses are being used for a variety of reasons by couples who are not separated by distance.

Living Situation:

  • We live separately: 28%
  • We have been living together for more than a year: 51%
  • We have been living together for less than a year: 14%
  • I’d rather not say: 7%

More couples are cohabitating than in past years. Our data shows that at least 65% of couples were cohabitating, and it could be closer to 72%. This was the most significant change in our post-pandemic data, and we believe it directly affects all areas of marriage and family life ministry.

How Should We Respond?

With the increase of engaged couples cohabitating, what is our responsibility? It’s clear that those preparing Catholic couples for marriage are at the front lines of this phenomenon. It’s also clear that this trend has been steadily increasing over the years, and the pandemic only exacerbated it.

The United States Catholic Conference addressed this issue in 1999 when almost half of engaged couples were cohabitating. In the Report on New Realities of Pastoral Practices (https://www.usccb.org/topics/marriage-and-family-life-ministries/marriage-preparation-and-cohabiting-couples), the USCC stated:

Those who choose to marry instead of continuing to cohabit are the “good news” in a culture that is increasingly anti-marriage. Those cohabiting couples who move to marriage seem to be the “best risk” of a high-risk group: they have fewer risk factors than those cohabitors who choose not to marry. Even so, they still divorce at a rate 50% higher than couples who have never cohabited. They are a high-risk group for divorce and their special risk factors need to be identified and addressed, especially at the time of marriage preparation, if the couples are to build solid marriages.

The Report continues by reminding those preparing couples for marriage that this is a teachable moment. It is “an opportunity for evangelization and catechesis.”

Cohabitating couples inevitably approach marriage with habits that could lead to higher divorce rates, infidelity, and conflict; it’s the responsibility of those preparing couples for marriage to address those issues during marriage prep. The USCC Report urges clergy and lay ministers to avoid the extremes of harshly condemning couples for cohabitation or ignoring the issue altogether.

Discussing Cohabitation During Marriage Prep: Approaching Couples With Curiosity

Since it’s clear that we will all be ministering to an increased number of cohabitating couples, how could we approach the topic in a way that leads couples toward a more sacred view of marriage and commitment?

The advice found in the USCC’s report reminds us that curiosity is the key to opening up an honest conversation with couples.

Encourage the couple to reflect on their situation and why they decided to cohabit and to provide insights into possible consequences, factors that may present special challenges to them, or put them at risk for later marital disruption.

Asking good questions will not only provide insight into the couple’s character, beliefs, and habits, it will also enable them to explore how those things may affect their future marriage. Asking those questions with the spirit of understanding and an honest desire to see the couple reconciled to God, the Church, and one another can help them learn where they may have gone astray and accept the call to return to Catholic teaching on marriage and family life.

Moving Forward With Today’s Couples

Although these statistics aren’t what we hoped to see, we recognize that this is the reality of life for the couples we serve. In light of this data, The Marriage Group is looking for thoughtful and innovative ways to address these changing demographics in a way that honors Catholic teaching and promotes the gospel truths of love, mercy, and grace.

We also pray for your ministry to couples, acknowledging the many conversations that you have with cohabitating couples and the tension you may feel between honoring the standard God has called you to uphold and the current state of relationships in our parishes.

For more information on this topic, we recommend the USCC’s Report on New Realities of Pastoral Practices available here: (https://www.usccb.org/topics/marriage-and-family-life-ministries/marriage-preparation-and-cohabiting-couples)

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National Marriage Week Advice

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Read Time: 5 minutes

For National Marriage Week, we asked ministry leaders and married couples, “What is one important thing couples need to know in their first year of marriage?”

Here are some of our favorite replies:

One thing Mike and I have learned is that communication is key. Whether that’s communicating your goals, your feelings, your likes and your dislikes, it is so important. An open and honest line of communication prevents any misunderstandings and assumptions. You always hear “communication is key”, but there truly is a lot of truth to that.

We have also learned how important it is to be on the same page when it comes to decision-making. We aren’t always, but anytime that we aren’t, we’re able to compromise.

And lastly, but maybe most importantly, we pray. We pray together and on our own time. Our spiritual journey as a unit gets stronger and stronger. We remind ourselves that God won’t do the work for us. Mike and I have to do the work in our marriage and ask for help when we need it – and God hears us. He has helped us more times than I can count. Talking to Him has brought a lot of peace in our relationship.

Those three things have made our marriage very strong. We are going on three years of marriage and have already overcome a lot of obstacles. Through all of those obstacles, nothing about our love for each other has changed. We never place blame, we never distance, and we always say “I love you”.

Sydney and Mike – Married 2+ years – Pittsburgh, PA

Develop a habit of mutual prayer.

Retired Priest – Anonymous

Be intentional. Choose love every day. Be active in communicating, regrouping, and continuing to know and respond to each other more effectively every day. Care for your marriage like you care for any living thing….attend to its needs, feed it, love it, and above all spend time on it.

Dianne Vadney – Family Ministry Coordinator – Manitowoc WI

You are never alone, as a person, as a couple. Christ is always there, along with other Sacramental Married Couples.

From: Dcn. Adrian Jimenez – Director of Marriage and Family Life – Lubbock Diocese

You must always have love, respect, and a sense of humor in your marriage, but not necessarily in that order!  Sometimes having that sense of humor, learning to laugh together, is just as important.  Having all three (love, respect, humor) can make for many happy memories in the years to come.

Barbara & Jim McAloon – Pre-Cana Hosts – Washington, NJ

Learn to accept his/her whole being including his/her whole family. Always ask guidance to our Loving Almighty God the Father in everything you do. Make “God ” the center of your married life. Understand each other’s weaknesses, and praise all beautiful things he/she makes.

Lorna & Brian –  Married 17 years – City of SJDM

Remember your vows, always give more than you take, always say I love you and mean it. Life can change in a split second, and forever never feels like long enough when you love someon. Take the good days with the bad days because many more of both are to come!!! COMMUNICATE!!!!  LISTEN!!! Don’t lose yourself, but remember to grow with your partner too!!!

Jamie and Zatch – Married 1 year – Bluffton

Manage your spending, and discuss issues or concerns quickly not allowing it to pile up.

Blessing & Larry – Married 2 Years – Chicago

When you get stuck, ask for help when you need it. It’s a strength to ask for help, not a weakness. Start by asking God to bring you the best people to help you with your marriage.

Sharon Witzell – Program Coordinator, Office of Marriage and Family Life – Wichita, Kansas

Please be careful when buying a TV. TVs can be super addictive, and please never put a TV in the bedroom. The bedroom is your holiest place in the house; please keep it sacred.

From: Alex and Kristene – Married 1 year – Toronto, Canada

Good question: What’s one important thing couples need to know in their first year of marriage?

  • Remember to pray, pray, pray together (each day…) and listen to each other “with heart”…
  • Remember to “see” the other in charity (with love)  – In other words, recognize the ‘image of God’ in their beloved (especially in facing trials and difficult moments). We are longing to be seen with ‘eyes of love’ (as God sees each one of us…)
  • Always affirm one another. Remembering these simple words “You are worth much!” (When we begin a conversation with an affirmation or a little ‘thanksgiving prayer’,  it paves the way for a healthy conversation when disagreements rise in the day-to-day living. We are imperfect and make mistakes. Learning to walk with each other “in good times and in not-so-good times.”

I offer a little prayer that my beloved (husband) Tony and I pray each day:

Prayer of Spouses for Each Other
Lord Jesus, grant that I and my spouse may have a true and understanding love for each other.
Grant that we may both be filled with faith and trust.
Give us the grace to live with each other in peace and harmony.
May we always bear with one another’s weaknesses and grow from each other’s strengths.
Help us to forgive one another’s failings and grant us patience, kindness, cheerfulness,
And the spirit of placing the well-being of one another ahead of self.
May the love that brought us together grow and mature with each passing year.
Bring us both ever closer to You through our love for each other.
Let our love grow to perfection. Amen.

Mrs. Socorro Truchan – Diocese of Kalamazoo – CFLA

This exciting time of Marriage Prep is not only preparing the couple for a day or for a “picture”, it is a lifetime tool that they will be acquiring through all steps of Preparation. It’s so important that the couple realize they are trying to be equipped with valuable information that will help them through their marriage.

It’s also very important and personal experience. They need to find a group to join for example: marriage group, group of Christian families, Bible study, etc. Why? We are so busy… we as couples need to grow in our faith day by day.

Araceli Gutierrez – St. Joseph, Denver

Remember that you are both on the same team. As tense as some arguments may be, your spouse is not your enemy. Keeping this in mind can help to resolve conflicts faster and also deepen your relationship!

Deanna Johnston – Director of Family Life – Tyler, TX

That first year, patience with your spouse is a must! At least more so than usual. It’s going to be a learning experience for both of you. Patience and grace!

Azury and Armando Gutiérrez – Married 2 years – Encino, CA

Invest in your marriage — start when your love and devotion for one another are at an all-time high. Take classes to help your marriage succeed. Surround yourself with like-minded couples who believe in marriage and desire to have a strong foundation.

Above all else, realize that it is by the Grace of God that the two of you are called to a healthy marriage — and that atmosphere of grace compels you to put in the work to make your marriage extraordinary.

Gordon & Regina – 12 Years – Michigan

I think couples need to understand that there could be an adjustment period, and it can be very trying. Being from different upbringings and cultures could lead to a culture shock within the marriage. It is also important to “look for the flowers“. What that means is that each of them would have some flowers and some garbage (using the bee vs the fly). Prioritize your spouse’s good qualities over their bad when thinking of them and trying to adjust to your new dynamic.

Another important thing is to protect the image of your spouse that you project to others, especially your extended family members. Keep more in and within you than you share with others.

Know your strengths and weaknesses, and work on them individually and together.

Finally, do all that you can to build the foundations for an awesome FRIENDSHIP!!!!. Marriage needs friendship a lot more than people think.

NOTE: If they are Christian, they should try to pray together and grow their faith together.

I wish I had known all these things before I went into my marriage. We wouldn’t have struggled as much as we did, but that’s okay. We are having a much better time now and are growing stronger every day

Mike and ViVi, Years married- 3 years, Abuja, Nigeria

Be brave; resist the urge to hold back when things get hard or you learn something unexpected about your spouse. Expand your capacity for love. Forgive.

Chris & Jessie – 26 yrs – Michigan

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Red Flags in Marriage Prep

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Read Time: 3 minutes

The ministry of marriage preparation is a lot like driving a car; just when you think the road is smooth and straight and free of obstacles, you discover bumps, twists and turns, and, of course, traffic lights.

Most of the time, we hope for green lights all the way through. But honestly, there will always be a few red lights that will indicate to us it’s time to stop, see what’s going on, and make sure there is no danger.

Then, when the green light reappears, we can proceed.

Red flags in marriage ministry are just like approaching a red light along your travel route.

What do you normally do?

You stop, wait, and, when the light turns green, you continue driving.

A red flag in marriage prep is not the end of the road; it is a stop to make sure the road ahead is safe before continuing the marriage preparation journey.

Let’s analyze some of the most common red flags that marriage ministers may encounter when preparing couples for marriage. These are just examples; you may encounter many more red flags in your own experience with couples.

1. Red Flags in Family of Origin

Differences in families of origin that, if not addressed properly, may represent a bigger obstacle in the future.

The family of origin teaches us about relationships.

We learn to communicate (or not to communicate) in our family of origin. We learn to express or repress feelings in the family of origin. We learn how to handle money in our families of origin. Most of our life skills and the way we relate to others are learned in our families of origin.

When there are too many differences in the way the couples we work with were raised, and when those differences are too extreme, it is a red flag.

That means, it is time to stop, observe the reality, and adjust whatever needs to be adjusted before proceeding with the preparation for marriage.

2. Addiction

Use of drugs, alcohol, and pornography.

This is unfortunately a very common red flag.

When we discover these behaviors with a couple preparing for marriage, we must stop, invite the couple to address the issue, and see if any type of counseling or a Twelve Step program is needed before marriage preparation can continue.

Be aware that both parties may not be Catholic, but address these issues with the Catholic party; they need to go to the Sacrament of Reconciliation if pornography was/is an issue in their life.

Covenant Eyes is also a great resource, and its services specialize in helping people overcome the addiction to pornography.

3. A History of Violence

History of domestic violence either in the family of origin or in themselves.

If the couple preparing for marriage reports a history of domestic violence either in their parents or in their own present relationship (domestic violence may occur even in couples who are not living together), it is time to stop marriage preparation and refer the couple to a therapist who can help them navigate these issues.

The USCCB has some great resources available for those experiencing domestic violence.

4. Lack of Vulnerability

Inability or fear of speak openly about specific issues/topics.

When we’re preparing a couple for marriage, one of them may experience fear or the inability to speak openly about a specific topic (for example: sex, money, addictions, infidelity, etc.).

Whatever the topic is, couples should experience trust and openness to speak freely about any issue that is important to the relationship.

When we find this is not possible due to fear or other reasons, it is time to stop marriage preparation and address those fears or feelings of unrest.

Your Duty as A Minister


Red flags come in many forms and are common.

It’s important for a Family Life Minister/ Marriage Minister to learn how to identify them and design a game plan to help couples work through them.

It’s our job to take the time needed to address the issues and then continue with marriage preparation.

Some couples may find it hard or uncomfortable to address these red flags, but ultimately, we need to clarify that we are inviting them to address the red flags because we care about them; we want them to be successful and happy in their marriage!

Make sure to equip yourself with plenty of resources that you can use as a Family Life Minister for navigating these difficult situations — we have linked to a few examples in this article.

Most importantly? Your guidance can help couples navigate these red flags and provide the support they need to address them in a healthy way.

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