Book Review – The Good, The Messy, and The Beautiful

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Read Time: 3 minutes

Book Title: The Good, The Messy, and the Beautiful

Authors: Dr. Edward and Beth Sri

Book Review

Who Should Read It?

This book is great for engaged or married couples who want to learn from the experience of a couple married over 20 years. It’s written from the co-authors’ (Edward and Beth) personal perspective and feels like you are engaging in an open, honest, and thoughtful conversation with them about different aspects of marriage.

“God wants to meet us in the messiness of ordinary married life.”

What You’ll Learn:

  • How to determine if you’re being unrealistic about what marriage is and how it will benefit your life.
  • The Catholic definition of love.
  • The real power of the sacrament of Matrimony.
  • What married life looks like in everyday life.
  • How your selfishness will affect your marriage.
  • How to recognize true intimacy and encourage its growth.
  • What Christ can teach you about himself through your marriage.

Why is It relevant?

Edward and Beth have communicated some of the simplest yet profound aspects of the marital relationship, things that couples who discover them know by intuition yet struggle to work into everyday conversation with other couples. This insight comes from a combination of their education, devotion, and circumstances, along with a keen observance of their own human natures and their response to God’s grace.

The book is a dialogue that Catholic couples in all stages of relationships should be having, and it will provide plenty of fuel for growth-inspiring conversations between couples who read and contemplate it together.

“Only God can take us to that next level of union and love called marriage.”

How Does the Authors’ Insight Illuminate the Topic?

Honest – Edward relates personal stories with openness and accepts responsibility for his role in the marriage. His revelations offer hope, not shame, and he positions himself as a student, always learning.

“I realized that the main way I help Beth get to heaven has little to do with my high ideals of being a great Catholic husband and spiritual leader of the home. The main way I actually help Beth get to heaven is this: every day of her life, Beth has to deal with me!”

Realistic – Beth doesn’t shy away from talking about the hard aspects of mothering, the never-ending piles of laundry and wearisome moments with crying or vomiting children, but she doesn’t leave the reader there. After courageously sharing those and other difficult aspects of motherhood and marriage, she guides the conversation back to Jesus.

“… when I die to my personal comfort, interests, and desires in order to give myself away in love to my spouse and children, I don’t lose in the end. My life is more deeply enriched. I am learning to love like Christ loves.”

If You Only Read One Chapter:

Chapter 13 – First Things First: Giving Your Best to Your Vocation

The Heart of the Matter:

Even after nearly 27 years of marriage, I was reminded while reading The Good, the Messy, and the Beautiful that my husband and I are still continuing to grow in our ability to love one another like Jesus loves.

My biggest takeaway was tucked away in the book’s conclusion: there is a font of grace available to married couples.

Like the Sri’s, my husband and I have been purified through many challenges over the years, and we know there are many more to come. The purification process has made our marriage strong, forged a loyal friendship, and enabled trust-filled intimacy. However, there are still impurities that need to rise to the surface and be scraped away. The work of God’s grace in our marriage is ongoing, and receiving it will enable us to love more, give more, share more.

I’m grateful to the Sri’s for reminding me of Christ’s active presence in our marriage, and I believe this book is a valuable tool for building a strong understanding of the realities and beauty of marriage in any stage of life.

“By freely choosing to give up our freedom to do whatever we want, we discover an even greater freedom: the freedom to love.”

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What do you do at Pre-Cana?

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Read Time: 3 minutes

Now that you’ve made the big decision and you’re beginning the marriage prep process, you may have heard about “Pre-Cana” from your priest or others in your parish.

What is Pre-Cana?

Simply put, Pre-Cana is a marriage preparation course, class, or consultation for couples who will be married in a Catholic Church.

Let’s take a look at the first miracle Jesus performed; it actually happened at a wedding. Cana was the town where the wedding was celebrated, and Jesus, his mother, and his friends were guests.

This is where the word Cana comes from; the town where Jesus performed his first miracle. For this reason, the preparation offered by the Church to engaged couples is called Pre-Cana. In other words, “before the wedding.”

Pre-Cana programs are organized and/or approved by either a diocesan office or a parish, and they can be presented online or in-person in various formats.

Pre-Cana is one required part of the whole marriage prep experience, and couples must receive a Certificate of Completion from an approved Pre-Cana course before celebrating the Sacrament of Marriage.

What Happens During Pre-Cana?

In a “Pre-Cana” experience, you will prepare for the Sacrament of Marriage.

You and your future spouse will have the opportunity to discuss many important topics, including Family of Origin, Spirituality of Marriage, Money Matters, Conflict Resolution, Intimacy and Sexuality, Theology of Marriage, and more.

It’s important that you reflect with openness and honesty about these topics and share your reflections with your fiancé(e).

How Do I Earn a Certificate of Completion for Pre-Cana?

There are several options for receiving a Certificate of Completion for Pre-Cana:

  • Take an approved online course
  • Attend a series of weekly meetings with a sponsor/mentor couple, oftentimes at their home
  • Attend a weekend retreat with other engaged couples
  • Complete a series of meetings with your priest or deacon

All the organized and systematic experiences that help you and your fiancé(e) prepare for marriage are collectively called Pre-Cana. The Church offers them as a tool to help you and your fiancé(e) better prepare for marriage.

What is Online Pre-Cana?

The Marriage Group is excited to provide an online Pre-Cana experience that is flexible, on-demand, current, and fun to use! Our online courses offer the same content covered in the other Pre-Cana experiences, but it is accessible on-demand from the comfort of your own home.

Couples like our online course because they can complete it at their own pace from anywhere. It allows them privacy to discuss topics like Family of Origin and Intimacy and Sexuality, and our presenters are real people who share passionately about topics they have experience with.

Couples who take online Pre-Cana still meet with their priest or others at their parish to finalize details of their wedding ceremony and fulfill other requirements for marriage prep. Those details vary from parish to parish, but they are all in place to help you have a wonderful wedding day and a great start to a lifetime of marriage.

Talking to Your Priest About Online Pre-Cana

Many Catholic couples aren’t aware they can complete Pre-Cana online.

Their parish may have an approach to marriage prep that works great for couples who can commit to an all day seminar or a weekend retreat.

However, couples who are separated by distance, have challenging work schedules, or prefer to cover course material from the privacy of their own homes, can have a valuable Pre-Cana experience with a quality online course.

The Marriage Group’s Pre-Cana course is accepted at dioceses and parishes worldwide and promoted by the United State’s Conference of Catholic Bishops and the Bishop’s Conference of England and Wales. Our team will gladly share this good news with your priest or ministry leader, and they are welcome to contact us for a course demo anytime.

Blessings for a Lifetime of Marriage

If you’ve already completed our courses, we hope you’ll share your experience with others. If you’re planning to use our courses, it’s our hope that you will enter into this time of preparation and formation with your fiancé(e) with an open heart and mind.

Be assured of our prayers and support for your future marriage!

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Red Flags in Marriage Prep

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Read Time: 3 minutes

The ministry of marriage preparation is a lot like driving a car; just when you think the road is smooth and straight and free of obstacles, you discover bumps, twists and turns, and, of course, traffic lights.

Most of the time, we hope for green lights all the way through. But honestly, there will always be a few red lights that will indicate to us it’s time to stop, see what’s going on, and make sure there is no danger.

Then, when the green light reappears, we can proceed.

Red flags in marriage ministry are just like approaching a red light along your travel route.

What do you normally do?

You stop, wait, and, when the light turns green, you continue driving.

A red flag in marriage prep is not the end of the road; it is a stop to make sure the road ahead is safe before continuing the marriage preparation journey.

Let’s analyze some of the most common red flags that marriage ministers may encounter when preparing couples for marriage. These are just examples; you may encounter many more red flags in your own experience with couples.

1. Red Flags in Family of Origin

Differences in families of origin that, if not addressed properly, may represent a bigger obstacle in the future.

The family of origin teaches us about relationships.

We learn to communicate (or not to communicate) in our family of origin. We learn to express or repress feelings in the family of origin. We learn how to handle money in our families of origin. Most of our life skills and the way we relate to others are learned in our families of origin.

When there are too many differences in the way the couples we work with were raised, and when those differences are too extreme, it is a red flag.

That means, it is time to stop, observe the reality, and adjust whatever needs to be adjusted before proceeding with the preparation for marriage.

2. Addiction

Use of drugs, alcohol, and pornography.

This is unfortunately a very common red flag.

When we discover these behaviors with a couple preparing for marriage, we must stop, invite the couple to address the issue, and see if any type of counseling or a Twelve Step program is needed before marriage preparation can continue.

Be aware that both parties may not be Catholic, but address these issues with the Catholic party; they need to go to the Sacrament of Reconciliation if pornography was/is an issue in their life.

Covenant Eyes is also a great resource, and its services specialize in helping people overcome the addiction to pornography.

3. A History of Violence

History of domestic violence either in the family of origin or in themselves.

If the couple preparing for marriage reports a history of domestic violence either in their parents or in their own present relationship (domestic violence may occur even in couples who are not living together), it is time to stop marriage preparation and refer the couple to a therapist who can help them navigate these issues.

The USCCB has some great resources available for those experiencing domestic violence.

4. Lack of Vulnerability

Inability or fear of speak openly about specific issues/topics.

When we’re preparing a couple for marriage, one of them may experience fear or the inability to speak openly about a specific topic (for example: sex, money, addictions, infidelity, etc.).

Whatever the topic is, couples should experience trust and openness to speak freely about any issue that is important to the relationship.

When we find this is not possible due to fear or other reasons, it is time to stop marriage preparation and address those fears or feelings of unrest.

Your Duty as A Minister


Red flags come in many forms and are common.

It’s important for a Family Life Minister/ Marriage Minister to learn how to identify them and design a game plan to help couples work through them.

It’s our job to take the time needed to address the issues and then continue with marriage preparation.

Some couples may find it hard or uncomfortable to address these red flags, but ultimately, we need to clarify that we are inviting them to address the red flags because we care about them; we want them to be successful and happy in their marriage!

Make sure to equip yourself with plenty of resources that you can use as a Family Life Minister for navigating these difficult situations — we have linked to a few examples in this article.

Most importantly? Your guidance can help couples navigate these red flags and provide the support they need to address them in a healthy way.

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How do you get married in the Catholic Church?

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Read Time: 4 minutes

 

Finding a partner to share the rest of your life with is a blessing. If you’ve recently been engaged and are planning to be married in the Catholic Church, there are a few steps you’ll need to take.

In the Catholic Church, marriage is a Sacrament, and taking these important steps will prepare you for a lifetime of love and commitment to each other and God.

Online On-Demand Catholic Marriage Prep

1. Ensure You Meet Important Requirements

These are the requirements established by the Church:

  • Baptized Christian
    One or both partners should be baptized Catholics. If one of the partners is not Catholic, he or she needs to be a baptized Christian. If the non-Catholic partner wants to join the Church, they may go through the process of becoming a Catholic as an adult during the marriage prep process.
  • Not closely related
    Catholics cannot marry first cousins or anyone else in their immediate family.
  • Free to marry
    Both members of the couple should be unmarried.  If either were previously married, they must be widowed or issued an annulment from the Catholic Church.
  • Be of the opposite sex
    It is the Church’s teaching that marriage is between a man and a woman.
  • In good standing with the Church
    Being a Catholic in good standing means more than just attending Mass for 6 months previous to the wedding. It means being in a ‘state of grace’ which is to be free from sin and able to receive Communion. Mass attendance for 6 months, or some other period of time (it varies from diocese to diocese) is a part of it, but the term Catholic in good standing means more than that. It has to do with the spiritual state of the individuals celebrating the sacrament.
  • Free consent
    Both parties must freely consent to the marriage and have worked out any issues that might cause one party not to freely consent.

2. Contact your Parish

If you believe you meet the requirements above (or if you need to discuss them), you should contact your parish to discuss your wedding. You’ll need to obtain permission to be married in the Church, whether it is at your current parish or elsewhere.

Check with the diocese or the parish where the wedding will take place and make sure about registration requirements.

You will likely have an initial meeting with clergy to discuss your marriage, and you’ll be able to discuss any issues you may have with getting married in the Catholic Church.

This meeting will also be an opportunity for clergy to explain the process of getting married in the parish along with the things you’ll need to do.

3. Participate in a marriage preparation program

All parishes have a program in place to prepare couples for marriage. Most dioceses require at least 6 months of marriage prep that could include classes, mentoring, or seminars.

Marriage prep (or Pre-Cana) is mandatory so couples get a good understanding of the value the Church places on marriage and an overview of its teaching on family life.

During a marriage preparation program, you’ll learn about balancing values, managing money, the role of family, healthy sexuality and intimacy, planning a family and parenting, communication skills, and the theology of marriage.

If your schedule doesn’t allow you to participate in marriage prep classes at your parish, an online course may be a better option. There are courses approved by the Church that fulfill the requirements for marriage prep.

Online On-Demand Catholic Marriage Prep

4. Provide your certificates to the Church

There are a number of documents that the Church will want to see before granting you permission to marry.

These include:

  • A recent copy of your baptismal certificates
  • Certification of Holy Communion and Confirmation (Sometimes a notation is made in the Baptismal registry and inscribed in the back of the recent copy of the Baptismal Certificate. That’s why the Church requires a recent (within 6 months of the wedding) copy of the Baptismal Certificate.)
  • Affidavit of Freedom to Marry
  • Civil marriage license
  • Marriage Preparation Course Completion Certificate

Collect these documents while preparing for your marriage, and store them together so you can easily present them to your priest or Family Life Director.

5. Plan the Wedding Mass

Depending on your circumstances, there are options to celebrate the Rite of Marriage.

Aside from that, you will have options about certain readings and rituals performed at your wedding along with choosing family and friends who will participate in the Mass. Your priest or Family Life Director will help you make those decisions, and they will also let you know the guidelines for decorating in your participating parish.

There are aspects of the wedding Mass that you cannot change, but these are important aspects of the Mass altogether and denote the sacredness of celebrating your marriage in the Catholic Church.

6. Get married!

There are many other details involved in planning a Catholic wedding, but this basic framework should get you off to a great start. Weddings are a wonderful celebration of the union of two people with the blessing of God in the presence of their family and friends.

As you walk through these steps to getting married in the Catholic Church, we pray that it’s a time of spiritual and personal growth for you and your future spouse.

Online On-Demand Catholic Marriage Prep

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Talking To Engaged Couples About Contraception

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Read Time: 4 minutes

Talking about contraception is an important part of marriage preparation. Contraception in its various forms has become the status quo for sexual relationships outside of the Church. Some Catholic couples either don’t know or don’t agree with the Church’s teaching. Getting comfortable talking about contraception is vitally important for the moral and sexual health of the couples you work with.

So how do you have this conversation?

1. Know the Church’s teaching inside and out.

There’s no getting around it: the Church’s teaching on contraception runs contrary to what is accepted by modern culture and is often misunderstood.

If you aren’t sure why contraception is forbidden, read the teaching and prepare to discuss it. This doesn’t mean you need a graduate degree in theology before you start doing marriage prep.

Fortunately, the Catholic position is actually more intuitive than that, but you should know what you’re talking about and why the Church teaches what it does.

For many couples, you may be the first person who has ever shared the negative aspects of using contraception.

They will likely have questions and may even have objections.

You need to understand the principles behind the doctrine and be ready to explain why it is good for the couple’s marriage to avoid contraception.

Some good resources (for you and the couples) include the papal encyclical Humanae Vitae, Catholic Answers, and the Catechism of the Catholic Church.

2. Be honest about the Church’s teaching.

Many couples have stories of priests or mentors giving them incorrect information about contraception and marriage. They may be upset when they find out they’ve been misled.

If that’s the case, tell the couple gently, but honestly, what the Church in her wisdom teaches about marriage and sexuality.

Don’t dance around the truth. Be clear about what is and isn’t allowed. Deliver the message with charity, but don’t leave the couple wondering what you actually mean. Then, you can work with them to figure out how to follow the Church’s teachings in their marriage.

You shouldn’t feel embarrassed or afraid of the Catholic understanding of sexuality.

There are many good reasons to avoid contraception, from the potential health risks to the way it tends to violate the dignity of both spouses. If you know these reasons, you’ll be able to explain the Catholic position while truly understanding and believing it yourself, which is crucial.

3. Be patient with couples (and yourself).

For some couples, the Church’s teaching on marriage and sexuality is strange and confusing. They may have a hard time understanding how a couple goes about having a happy, fulfilling marriage and sex life without birth control.

Obviously, you shouldn’t belittle or criticize them. Charity and gentleness are needed at all times.

Keep in mind that it’s not necessary for them to fully understand and agree with you right away.

Give them the truth clearly and kindly, then allow them time to think about what you said and discuss it privately. Suggest that they also pray about it. Conversion and understanding don’t have to happen immediately.

Let the Holy Spirit work, and don’t feel the need to “win” the discussion and answer every objection the first time you broach the subject. If a change of heart is needed, remember that it is God, not you, who will work that out.

4. Offer an alternative.

The thought of being married and having sex without contraception can be overwhelming for some couples. Visions of 20 children or 15-passenger vans may pop into their heads. The couple may fear the health risks that can be associated with pregnancy, especially if the wife has underlying health problems.

On a theoretical level, wives may believe the Church only values them for their ability to have babies.

Fortunately, the Church doesn’t simply forbid contraception and abandon couples to figure it out on their own. It offers an alternative approach: Natural Family Planning (NFP).

There are a lot of great resources available for couples who want to learn about NFP, including our own new course: NFP Life.

You’ll also want to know if NFP coaching is available locally, if your parish doesn’t have a program for that. Oftentimes, local nurses will be certified to teach the methods of NFP. If your parish does offer a program or class, have the information on hand and give it to the couple right away.

You’ll also want information on medical professionals who actually know how NFP works (learn more about Dr. Danielle Koestner here). As frustrating and tragic as it is, some OB/GYNs can be woefully untrained and uninformed about the scientific methods used in NFP.

You should understand the basics of NFP — and why it isn’t the “rhythm method” — so you can answer initial questions from the couple. Allow the details to be covered by the mentor or course.

The bottom line…

NFP has tremendous benefits for the couple’s health and their marriage. Understanding these can be helpful when explaining why they should practice Natural Family Planning in their marriage.

Contraception and family planning may be a difficult topic for many couples, but if it’s done with charity and wisdom, such conversations can bear a lot of fruit.

Above all, remember that the Church has very good reasons to teach what it does, and these teachings are actually borne of science and theology, not just one or the other. When you meet with couples to talk about contraception and Natural Family Planning, you can be confident that you are sharing good news for both their physical and spiritual health.

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Discussing Finances with Your Partner

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Read Time: 2 minutes

Financial discussions can be difficult to have with your partner. Everyone has different philosophies about managing money. However, when couples get married, having healthy discussions about money can directly affect your relationship.

These tips can help guide you through difficult conversations about money.

Have an Open Mind

When discussing your finances, it’s important to keep an open mind. Everyone comes from varying financial backgrounds and may have had different experiences with money. These experiences contribute to a person’s financial outlook, and it can cause conflict when you and your partner don’t see eye to eye.

However, if you maintain an open mind during financial conversations, you may be able to work through disagreements quickly and with more effective solutions.

A great way to avoid confrontation is to spend time focusing on your partner’s strengths.

If the entire conversation is focused on their weaknesses, your partner may get defensive which could lead to arguments. Make sure you acknowledge the financial strengths of your partner so they feel supported throughout your discussion.

Create Realistic Goals

As with any important conversation with your partner, you should agree on a common goal.

Are you talking about setting up a budget, or do you want to save money to start a family? Whatever your goals are, be upfront and honest about them and try to keep the conversation on track.

Remember, when you’re setting up goals with your partner they need to be actionable and specific.

Realistic goals need to include dates and checkpoints, which makes it easier for individuals to hold themselves accountable.

Listen More, Talk Less

These conversations can get long and difficult, especially if either or both of you do all the talking and no listening. Be in tune with what your partner is expressing, simply stating that you understand their point of view. This can go a long way.

Utilizing active listening techniques throughout your discussion will help de-escalate any disagreements you and your partner have. If you feel like you and your partner are struggling with healthy communication, you may want to consult your priest, a marriage counselor, and/or a mentor to help guide you.

Discuss All of Your Finances

This is the best opportunity to be transparent about any financial goals you’re working towards or concerns that you may have. This could include debt, credit score, loans, homeownership, or any other financial matters.

Being transparent about your financial status is the best way to establish an open line of communication about finances going forward. Thoroughly understanding your financial status can help you make educated decisions that impact your lives as a couple, such as moving in together for the first time, applying for a mortgage, or opening a joint bank account.

These larger financial decisions will be greatly impacted by your current financial status and should be discussed openly.

Additionally, you should also explain what you’re prioritizing financially.

That way, you both understand which goals you want to achieve first, and how they can best support your family. Make time in the conversation so both of you can clearly articulate the value of achieving goals. In doing that, you will both feel understood and supported.

It’s Hard, But Not Impossible

Discussing finances with your partner can be scary, especially if you’ve never openly discussed these topics before. However, by keeping an open mind, setting goals, and actively listening you’ll be well on your way to a stronger relationship and even better future conversations about money.

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When Are Outside Friendships Ruining Your Marriage?

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Read Time: 4 minutes

Having friendships with individuals and other couples is healthy for married couples.

We should all have a variety of people to engage with socially and consult for advice. Your best friend doesn’t have to be your partner’s best friend, but if your spouse can’t stand your BFF or vice versa, it’s going to create some tension.

So, how do you know if one of your friendships is negatively affecting your marriage?

1. Your Spouse Thinks Your Friend is Toxic

If your spouse has seriously negative feelings about one of your friends, you cannot ignore it. If the person who you’ve committed to as a lifelong intimate partner expresses this level of concern, failing to take their advice will damage your relationship.

Allow your partner to explain why they dislike your friend, and discuss options for handling the relationship.

As someone on the outside looking in, and someone with your best interest in mind, your spouse may be able to identify unhealthy behaviors that you’ve just accepted as part of the friendship. If you have a friend who frequently manipulates you, takes advantage of your kindness, or uses you as a dumping ground for their negative emotions, that likely won’t play well with your spouse.

Avoiding the conversation with your spouse or defending your friend’s bad behavior will lead to conflict in your marriage.

Especially if it becomes clear to your spouse that you are more loyal to your friend than you are to them. If you find yourself squabbling with your partner about a friendship, you’ll need to come to an agreement about how this friendship fits into your life. You will likely need to set boundaries with your friend, and let them know that you can no longer tolerate their destructive behavior.

If they can’t respect that, you may have to walk away.

2. Your Friend Doesn’t Approve of Your Marriage or Your Marital Culture

Adjusting to life as a married couple takes time. Even couples who’ve dated for years find life after the wedding is different than they imagined.

However, eventually, couples slip into routines and behaviors that uniquely mark their lives together and collectively make up their marital culture.

This culture is like any other with its own rituals, style of communication, foods, and distribution of roles among other things. Couples usually gravitate toward others who have similar cultures, describing the experience as “clicking” or “connecting”.

Having a friend who doesn’t approve of your marriage is kind of a deal breaker.

If your friend can’t support you in this major area of your life, their disapproval will become a source of constant conflict. If the issue is with your marital culture, there may be some room for compromise and acceptance. Communicate openly and determine what the issue is. If it’s something simple like public displays of affection that bother your friend, you may be able to take a break when they are around. More deeply held convictions that make up who you are as a couple may require some grace and understanding from your friend rather than an overhaul of your beliefs.

3. A Friend is Demanding a Level of Relationship Reserved for Your Spouse

A close friendship is a blessing and can be a safe place to process your feelings and talk about important things. However, friendship dynamics may change after marriage, and it’s natural to begin going to your spouse to talk about many of the things you used to communicate with your friends. You may even decide to share most things with your partner first and just recap with your friends.

Healthy friendships can handle this shift, even if it takes a period of adjustment. The line begins to grow blurry however, when a friend becomes jealous, resentful, or competitive of your spouse.

Good friends will be understanding of the changing dynamic of your relationship, even if they grieve the loss of your exclusive attention. Toxic friends will punish you for not meeting their relational demands, and they will try to make you feel guilty for being devoted to your spouse.

Removing Toxic Friendships from Your Life

If you’ve given your friends the benefit of goodwill, and talked through the changes brought on by your marriage, you should be able to step into a new and healthy era of friendship. Your connection with your spouse may even help your friendships become healthier as they offer perspective and help you communicate better with your friends.

But if you’ve clearly identified that your friendship is unhealthy and there are no signs it will improve, it may be time to move on.

Letting go of a friend is never easy, even if walking away from their destructive habits frees you from emotional pain. I’m not even sure you can un-love someone who you’ve cared about and invested in relationally. When friendships end, it is rarely mutual and positive, so you will have to trust your decision and be as respectful as possible.

Developing a Friendship With Your Spouse

Healthy marriages are marked by a strong friendship between partners. They have fun together, communicate openly, and want what’s best for each other. They aren’t greedy or possessive, and they support their partner having all kinds of friends. They love spending time together, but they also see the joy that outside friendships can bring to their partner and their relationship.

Partners who are good friends will also help you identify the people in your life who aren’t good friends.

They may do it verbally, or you may just start seeing the contrast between the way they care for you and the way an unhealthy friend tears you down. Either way, your marriage can provide a safe place to process outside relationships and a safe haven when you have to remove a toxic friend from your life.

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Your Spouse Comes First, Even if You Have Kids

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Read Time: 4 minutes

Three Things I’ve Learned After 25 Years of Marriage: Part One

This may seem odd, but I don’t really like giving marital advice.

In order to give advice, you need to be thought of as someone who has attained a certain level of expertise on the subject at hand. In the area of marriage, even after 25+ years, I do not feel like an expert.

However, early on in our marriage my husband and I agreed that we would alway try to be learners, that we would try to grow individually and as a couple so we could have a strong and healthy relationship. We’ve kept that promise, and I’ve learned three important things along the way. Here is part one.

Nurturing Your Relationship Gets Harder When You Have Kids

It’s incredibly tempting to let your whole world revolve around your children when you become parents. Without even trying, kids are all-consuming with their physical, emotional, and educational needs.

This doesn’t stop as they become self-sufficient and the exhaustion of raising them transitions from worrying about feeding schedules and developmental milestones to their high school grades and dating choices.

Many parents shift, or even slowly drift, to expending all of their time and energy on their kids and neglecting their relationship with one another.

Date nights start being put off for school recitals and sporting events, conversations transition to detail swapping and scheduling logistics, and physical intimacy dwindles as couples deal with fatigue, fussy babies, and complicated bedtime routines.

Children Are Supposed to Leave the Nest, Spouses Are Not

One of the goals of parenting is to release self-sufficient adults into the world to make their own lives and create their own families. Couples who understand this realize they have to fight to nurture their marriage alongside raising their children.

They know that someday their children will leave their home, and they need something greater than co-parenting to keep them together.

My husband and I learned this lesson in a variety of ways over the years. We felt it as tension and anger that built up when we neglected each other. We saw it when we watched couples who made children their #1 priority struggle when their kids became adults. We realized it when we recognized that our kids, even when they were older, couldn’t handle our emotional needs in the way that we as partners could.

Understanding the Difference Between Your Identity and Your Roles

Because of the consuming nature of parenting, I sometimes found it difficult to separate my identity from the many roles I had as a wife and mother. I even introduced myself to new people by the roles I had:

“Hi, I’m Jessie, I’m Chris’s wife and a homeschooling mom of five.”

While those roles were wonderful and deeply satisfying parts of my life, they really weren’t who I was. They were wonderful gifts that allowed me to love and nurture people in an intimate way, but there was, and is, so much more to me.

Our identities, or who God uniquely created us to be, actually shape the way we perform our roles. We may grow and change, but the core of who we are remains quite steady. Understanding our identities can help us accept the changing demands of parenting, and it can help us have a healthier marriage.

Relieving Others of the Burden of Validating You

When our identities are rooted in the knowledge that God created us and gifted us with unique characteristics, we free ourselves and others from having to constantly validate us and make us feel important.

We love others more unconditionally, without a list of silent demands that can never fully be met.

This allows us to pour our attributes into parenting and being a spouse in healthier ways:

It allows us to create boundaries with our children because we can handle them being angry with us at times.

It allows us to let them become independent because we don’t need them to need us.

There are many more benefits, but these two alone are crucial to the health of your marriage.

Finding the Space to Focus on Your Marriage

There are a million ways to nurture your relationship as a couple while parenting, and it will be a constant flow of successes and failures, but making your marriage a priority is healthier for both couples and their children.

There are rhythms in life that provide natural places for rest, but couples with kids will always have to be intentional about spending time alone.

My husband and I used to joke that every time we went on a date, we ended up at the grocery store. Looking back, that’s not a negative thing at all.

Even taking the time to help each other with chores or routine tasks can be a bonding experience. In addition, couples have to figure out ways to be alone for small moments every day, and at least once a week for a couple of hours and once a year for an overnight retreat.

It’s About Progress, Not Perfection

If your marriage is growing, you’ll be able to see it. You’ll look back and see that you’ve grown closer, you understand each other more, and you’ve stopped having some of those petty arguments.

Your kids will see it too.

They will understand that their parents are a united front, there to offer love, support, and guidance as they navigate their way to independence.

It’s not always easy, but as your children become adults and move out, it’s incredibly gratifying to be left with your best friend. The partner you’ve shared so many memories with, worked through so many difficult moments with, and trusted with your most intimate thoughts and feelings. It also helps to have a wonderful friend who will still go to the grocery store with you.

Up Next:

Part Two: Your Sex Life Will Have Lots of Ups and Downs (Coming Soon!)

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What to Do When Your Partner Becomes Someone Different

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Read Time: 5 minutes

“They Said You’d Never Change”

I can clearly hear the voices in my head of multiple women saying:

“Don’t think you’re gonna change him, honey!”

“If he’s like that now, he’ll always be that way.”

“Once a [blank], always a [blank]. People don’t change!”

While these well-meaning and sometimes cautionary statements can be true, especially about destructive habits that naive partners are hoping will just disappear someday, they can also lead to a false belief that people never change.

Change is the Only Certainty in Life

My husband and I were married when I was 19 and he was 24. As I reflect on our 26+ years together, we have experienced many things that have permanently changed us. In some ways, we are still the same people that fell in love all those years ago, but in many other ways, we are completely different people.

Setting aside more complicated situations like substance abuse and mental illness, it’s naive to think that you and your partner won’t change much as you progress through life together. Change is a part of life, and it’s inevitable.

It’s actually unhealthy to avoid it, and trying to avoid it leads down its own path that ultimately, and ironically, changes us.

When my husband and I were going through premarital counseling with our priest, we talked about this natural phenomenon. Our priest asked us questions about how we would respond to future possible marital challenges.

Those questions helped us realize that the longer we stayed together, the more challenges we would face.

Additionally, we had to admit that circumstances could arise that had the power to change us into people we may not want to be. We realized then that the most important thing we could do was try to change together and head in the same direction, even if our paths weren’t exactly the same.

We recognized that we would each have our own personal take on life’s changes; but, if our core value to accept change as an opportunity for growth remained solid, we could change together and use those opportunities to grow stronger as a couple.

Change Can Lead to Growth

Since our marriage in 1996, we have experienced the death of many loved ones, the baby-through-adulthood stages of our five children, the onset of an autoimmune disease, periods of clinical depression and anxiety disorders, four housing moves and a major construction project, along with all the other ups and downs of world relations and the economy.

All of those major things, including all of the seemingly mundane “little things” in life, have changed us tremendously.

We’ve comforted, questioned, and cared for one another in our weaknesses and our failures. There have been arguments, tears, and broken-hearted apologies. There has been conflict, distance, and reconciliation. My husband and I have each had moments where we wondered who this person we were married to was becoming and if we were going to make it through these rough seasons intact.

So far, we’ve gone through the challenges together, and we’ve made it to the other side stronger.

How? For us, staying together and letting change grow us has been rooted in our beliefs or core values. In response to change, our actions have varied based on circumstances, but what we believe has stayed the same.

Here are some of the things we believed when we got married that have remained constant:

  • We believe in the sanctity of marriage: that we are accountable to God for the way we preserve and protect our relationship, and that He values our commitment to each other and will help us uphold it.
  • We believe that marital faithfulness is the key to building trust and security: we protect the exclusivity of our friendship and sexual relationship. We’re best friends, and we only have sex with each other.
  • We believe marriage can last a lifetime: we are committed to preserving and fighting for our relationship as long as we live.
  • We believe family is a priority: we don’t give up on family.
  • We believe communication is necessary: we don’t ignore issues or avoid confrontation. We talk about our feelings and concerns, and we listen to each other.
  • We get help when we’re stuck: we’re not afraid to ask for help when we can’t resolve our issues on our own.

Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes

In some ways, change gets a bad wrap. The negative stories we hear about people changing their minds about major areas of their lives or even their desire for their partner can make change seem like something to avoid. But the change that comes from gaining wisdom and understanding about ourselves and the world we live in is comforting in many ways.

As we navigate life together, confronting all of the wonderful and difficult circumstances that arise, we have the opportunity to learn new things, increase our capacities, and grow stronger emotionally.

When we do these things together, as partners in life and marriage, that growth is reflected in the quality of our relationship. We become better friends, more confident lovers, and more trusted confidants.

The change we can experience as we grow closer and learn more about each other can help us explore new areas of our relationship that weren’t available before. In some ways, as we change, we experience the newness in one another and have the opportunity to fall in love anew, discovering exciting new things about our partners that keep the relationship fresh and fun.

If we resist change, we actually resist expanding our ability to know each other and love each more.

This may be why some relationships stagnate and couples start looking for outside stimulation to pique their interest. Staying the same may seem comforting initially, but years and years of going through the same routines can shift to monotony and boredom if a couple resists change.

What if the Change is Negative?

When you’re walking through grief, postpartum depression, the loss of a job or other major life changes, personality, temperament, and attitudes can be affected temporarily or permanently. These circumstances can emotionally debilitate us and bring out the worst in us. Going through seasons like this is a normal part of marriage, but it can be unsettling and even heartbreaking to watch your partner suffer and struggle to be themselves.

These are the times to hold onto your core beliefs about marriage, and lean on God and others to help you navigate this season.

While our marriage relationship is exclusive in some ways, we should be part of a community of family, friends, and church members who provide a safe and supportive environment that acts as a protective net for us when we are struggling. Clergy and counselors are also valuable professionals who can help us navigate difficult seasons and work through problems.

Wise couples get help when they realize their struggles are beyond their current ability to easily solve or understand them. They value their relationship enough to be honest with themselves and others so they can move forward into healing.

Looking Forward to Change

Since change is inevitable, accepting it as a normal part of life can reduce the amount of shock you’ll experience when it happens. Reframing your relationship with change, and seeing it as a positive component of a healthy and thriving marriage, can help you look forward to the benefits it can offer.

As you head toward your 10th, 20th, and 50th wedding anniversary, you will become different people than the starry-eyed couple that stood at the altar all those years ago, but changing together can be a beautiful journey.

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Financial Tips for Couples Moving in Together

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Read Time: 3 minutes

Moving in together is a big step in any relationship. You’ve just been married, and now you’re ready to take on your world together in a new home.

However, one of the biggest reasons couples fight at this stage, or any stage, is financial difficulties.

There are a few proactive actions you can take that’ll strengthen your relationship when it comes to finances and make the transition a little easier.

1. Have an Open and Honest Discussion

Having discussions about finances can be difficult for even the strongest of couples. During this discussion, you’ll want to evaluate the state of your individual finances and make some key decisions for your financial future. When entering into this important conversation, make sure to be respectful of others’ feelings and approaches to money, and be honest about the state of your finances when communicating to your partner.

Also, if you feel that the discussion has taken an unproductive turn, take a moment away from the conversation to relax, seek guidance, and remember this is the person you love. The important thing is to make sure you’re on the same page financially by the end of your conversation.

During these conversations, talk openly about your finances including student loans, credit card debt or other types of debt, savings goals, and retirement plans. This’ll help you understand your bigger financial picture as a married couple. Another decision you’ll need to come to by the end of this discussion is whether or not you want to combine your finances.

To some, marriage and living together means you should combine all aspects of your life, including finances.

However, there can be some advantages to keeping your finances separate, or having some things combined and others separate. It’s important to be understanding about your partner’s personal financial goals, and make sure to communicate about what you can work on together.

2. Decide to Rent or Own

The biggest decision you’ll make when moving in together is deciding where you’re going to live. In some situations, one partner will move into another partner’s current residence. Others prefer to start their life together in an entirely new home.

When beginning your search for your home, you’ll need to decide whether it’s best to rent or own.

After discussing your finances, you should have a pretty good understanding of how much you can afford to pay in rent. There’s often a preconceived notion that renting can save couples money, especially with recently raised interest rates. However, mortgage payments can be, at times, less of an expense.

Additionally, you’re working toward owning your home which is a financial asset as compared to paying rent, where the only benefit is having a living space. To see if owning is an option for you, you’ll need to figure out how much you can afford on a mortgage, which can be calculated by evaluating your credit score and your debt-to-income ratio. If you think owning is out of your budget, consider walking through this process first because it might be more within reach than you think.

3. Create Your Home’s Budget

Once you’ve decided if you’ll be renting or buying, you’ll want to create a budget for your home and your new family. When moving into a new place, there are always hidden costs that you’re not expecting initially. These costs include furniture, moving costs, appliances, and updates to your living space.

Even if you decided previously to keep your finances separate, this might be a good opportunity to open a joint account to pay for things such as the mortgage or rent, property taxes, utilities, and internet. This is a great way to ensure you’ve saved the correct amount of money each month collectively, and without needing to draw from your individual savings accounts to make these payments.

Once you have those expenses covered, you can start a simple budget for some of the other shared costs that you’ll incur monthly, such as streaming services, groceries, entertainment, pet costs, and home maintenance.

After living together in the home for 2 – 3 months, look at the money you’re spending in each category, and see where you can cut to increase savings. It might take some trial and error with your partner in these beginning months, but trust that with faith you and your partner will continue to grow.

Once you’re settled into your new home, you and your spouse can start enjoying your lives together. Remember to approach financial discussions with patience and to have financial health check-ups every now and again.

If you feel like you and your spouse are having disagreements about finances, or just experiencing difficult times, sometimes it can be best to see your priest, a financial counselor, and other marriage mentors in your life. Bumps in a marriage can happen, however with planning and understanding your life together can continue to grow through any obstacles.

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