The Power of Humor: Holiness and Wonderment in Your Marriage

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Read Time: 4 minutes

Why are you so serious? Surely, you must be kidding.

This is something I would tell my younger self at the beginning stage of my marriage. Life is short (unless you’re Methuselah or Yoda) and it goes by way too quickly to get hung up on frivolous things.

My wife and I met each other in college and got married upon graduation in 2010. The engagement period was fun, and we were in the “cute” stage of love. Everything was new and we were still learning more and more about each other’s lives.

I was first attracted by her energetic and enthusiastic personality.

One day I was entering the cafeteria when I heard an audible “snort” followed by the most beautiful and funny laughter I ever heard. I turned to see a gathering of students at “The Big Table” (it consisted of 5+ regular sized rectangular tables pushed together).

An array of people joined “The Big Table” over the course of that year. This was my introduction to this wonderful community of dinner and fellowship. Here I started a friendship with my future wife. And it led to the formation of many other lasting friendships.

Humor Makes You Humble

Why am I rambling on about a large dining room table? What does it have to do with marriage and marriage prep?

The foundation of any successful marriage is faith. In the summer before my sophomore year, I entrusted myself to God with this goal and desire: to find my future wife.

Little did I know I had already met her.

Finding her at “The Big Table” was the first step. We became friends during my freshman year. God’s timing is impeccable and often surprising. He can give to us quickly or make us wait for years. In this case, my vocation was realized fast.

According to the Catechism of the Catholic Church paragraph #150,

“Faith is first of all a personal adherence of man to God. At the same time, and inseparably, it is a free assent to the whole truth that God has revealed. As personal adherence to God and assent to his truth, Christian faith differs from our faith in any human person. It is right and just to entrust oneself wholly to God and to believe absolutely what he says. It would be futile and false to place such faith in a creature.”

My parents instilled in me the importance of trusting in God. They didn’t need to use their words often. They passed on this truth through their witness of love (to each other AND God) in the sacrament of marriage.

I had a solid foundation to build my marriage on. However, I assumed that marriage was easy. Early on in my own marriage, I learned how difficult it is. Looking back, I recall getting into too many arguments with my wife over little matters (they seemed big at the time).

Work schedule, chores, and other daily tasks that led to a difference of opinion. I didn’t always act with humility and grace.

Reality is Funny and Odd

Taking things too seriously and letting my pride get in the way made the first few years of my marriage less blissful than I anticipated. And then 2014 hit.

This was the year everything crumbled.

Life hit my wife and I with a barrage of trials. Our daughter developed health needs, new jobs and a new house led to many stressful situations. On top of that, we suffered a devastating loss that November; we lost our unborn child hours after hearing his heartbeat. This loss impacted my wife immediately. It didn’t hit me until months later. Feelings of grief I failed to grapple with led to an emotional, mental, and spiritual collapse.

I was angry with God.

While I didn’t question his existence, I doubted His goodness and providence.

The only thing that saved our marriage during this time was our faith. It was our firm foundation to stand on even when we couldn’t “stand up” long without falling. Sharing a similar style of humor helped my wife and I weather the storm too. The family that prays together stays together. And I think the family that also laughs together is even stronger!

On the toughest of days, we sent each other funny memes or texted the hilarious things our kids said. Laughter is a means to holiness. Saint Philip Neri (the patron saint of humor) wrote, “A joyful heart is more easily made perfect than a downcast one.”

Now this advice wouldn’t have meant much to me in the middle of our suffering.

Through trials, I have realized that God will save me again and again. He transformed my pain from a sorrowful suffering to a joyful suffering.

Humor is an important way to reflect on God’s goodness. When you think about it, this world is so strange that it’s kind of funny. Just think about the anatomy of the platypus.

The Sacrament of Marriage Leads to Wonderment

Marriage also inspires you wonder about even greater realities. Saint John Chrysostom said, “When a husband and wife are united in marriage, they no longer seem like something earthly, but rather like the image of God himself.”

The love between spouses is to reflect the love shared between the Three Persons of the Holy Trinity.

God is Love and His love is everlasting. Sacramental marriages are to be mirrors of this divine love. Whether you’re currently going through marriage prep or have been married several years, it’s important to look to God as your firm foundation.

Ask God to help strengthen your marriage. Go to Eucharistic Adoration at least once a month, and make prayer a regular part of your life.

When you deepen your prayer life as a couple, you will find greater wonderment in your vocation. You will learn more about your spouse. And you will discover saints to help aid you in the journey. My wife and I suffered another miscarriage in 2017, and in spring 2018 we were pregnant again.

Signs were pointing to another miscarriage. We sought the intercession of Saints Teresa of Avila, Catherine of Siena, and Gerard of Majella. When she was born, my wife’s doctor called our youngest child a miracle. These saints have continued to be a part of our family in daily life. We ask for their intercession every night before going to sleep.

The sacrament of marriage helped my wife and I deepen our love for God, and it led to us develop friendships with several saints. And the beauty of this Sacrament? God will give you similar graces to grow in holiness. Trust God, don’t be too serious, and laugh often. Your future self will thank you.

Author: Matt Chicoine — The Simple Catholic

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Cold Feet or Call it Off

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Read Time: 5 minutes

What if I’m having doubts about getting married?

The engagement period is marked by several emotional highs: the thrill of announcements, anxiety about mounting costs, and the mad dash to get everything done. Couples will ride the roller coaster of those highs and lows all the way to the altar and even through the honeymoon.

During this time, it’s totally normal to experience conflict with your partner and even have some doubts about marriage. But how do you know whether your doubts are a normal part of making one of the biggest decisions of your life or a sign that you may be making a huge mistake?

Doubts are part of good decision-making.

Every thoughtful decision should come with an honest evaluation of the choice. You may have said yes to a proposal based on emotions that felt like 100% certainty, but that feeling can’t last. Once you start doing the work of being engaged (yes, it’s actually a lot of work), part of that work is moving closer to certainty based on facts rather than just emotion.

While you’re planning your wedding and going through the marriage preparation process at your parish, you’ll face many choices and tough questions. You may find yourselves squabbling over who to invite to the wedding, and you may be asked to talk about aspects of your past, family life, and personality that hadn’t yet surfaced in your dating relationship.

All of these situations should be opportunities for you to “try on” what married life will be like and discover how you’ll handle these things as a couple. In fact, conflict should be welcomed during engagement so you can learn how your partner responds to you when things aren’t going well and whether or not you can resolve things in a healthy way.

Conflict is an opportunity to test the relationship

The idea that healthy couples don’t fight is a myth. The opposite is actually true; couples who repress disappointment, disapproval, and disagreement to avoid conflict inhibit their ability to move into a deeper, healthier relationship.

While constant arguing certainly isn’t the goal, both partners should feel free to express their opinions and should be growing in their ability to work through disagreements in ways that make each of them feel heard, valued, and considered. Couples experiencing conflict during engagement shouldn’t be concerned that they are facing struggles. They should be concerned when those struggles reveal unhealthy patterns. Learning how to work through disagreements is a valuable skill healthy couples will use over and over again during their marriage.

How do you know you’re not ready?

When conflict arises during engagement, it can be a sign that you simply need to work through some issues, learn better methods of communication, or get to know each other better. Stress has a way of bringing things to the surface that don’t come up when everything is going well. Certain character traits and coping mechanisms are difficult to hide when we’re stressed out.

When engaged couples begin to see and experience these new sides of their partners, it presents new challenges to navigate in the relationship. How you handle those challenges can help you determine how compatible you actually are, and even if you’re really ready for marriage.

Here are a few red flags to pay attention to:

  • Inability to resolve conflict: When disagreements arise, you feel ignored, humiliated, or insulted for your desire to work things out.
  • Unhealthy coping mechanisms: You or your partner resort to substances, pornography, gambling, or work to avoid dealing with conflict or actively taking part in wedding planning and preparation.
  • Overwhelming pressure: You feel crushed by the pressure to please your partner, family, and/or spiritual leaders. You feel you have to have the perfect relationship and the perfect wedding, and you base your decisions on what others want rather than considering your own emotional, spiritual, and physical needs.
  • Secrets: You or your partner are hiding a significant incident or piece of information from one another, for fear that it would destroy the relationship. This could be anything that makes you feel shame, such as a past relationship, financial debt, or a medical issue.
  • Resistance to spiritual preparation: When you’re seeking marriage in the Catholic Church, you’re preparing to receive a sacrament. This is a deeply meaningful act that requires certain steps to fulfill. If either partner is resistant or apathetic about these responsibilities, it needs to be addressed.

How to get help with pre-wedding doubts?

If you’re dealing with any of the above red flags, or anything else that’s causing you to question whether marriage is still the right decision, the best thing to do is ask for help. As uncomfortable as it may feel, you’ll need an outside perspective.

Help can range from clergy and professional counselors to a long-time married couple in your parish, family, or friend circle. Connecting with clergy and/or a mentor couple is part of the marriage preparation process at many parishes, but it can be valuable to go to a variety of sources for a broader source of wisdom and support. In Church environments, this is called ‘discernment’, the art of separating, analyzing, and deciding the best course of action. All this is done in a prayerful state of mind with the help of a Spiritual Director or mentor.

If your marriage prep doesn’t include connecting one-on-one with clergy or a mentor couple, or you feel like you need a broader perspective, you’ll have to be proactive about seeking help.

Here are some online resources that can help you find a qualified Catholic counselor:

You can also search your local diocese website for information about counseling services from regional Catholic Charities or Catholic Human Services organizations.

Here are a few things to consider when choosing a mentor couple to connect with:

  • Have you experienced the couple in a variety of settings, and do they have a marriage you’d like to emulate?
  • Do they seem to have healthy relationships with their parish community, family, and friends?
  • Are they open and non-judgemental? Do they operate as people of grace and mercy?
  • Are you comfortable opening up to them? Do you trust they will be confidants?
  • Do they share your faith and values about marriage as a Sacrament and lifelong commitment?
  • Are they recognized as leaders in your parish or recommended as mentors by clergy? If you are unsure, ask your priest or deacon.

Friends and family are also a valuable part of your support system, but it’s okay to look beyond that circle for a bigger perspective. Dealing with serious doubts about your upcoming marriage should require as much help as you need from whatever sources you’re comfortable with.

What if you have to call off the wedding?

If you’re trying to make things work, you’ve reached out to others, and you’re still having significant doubts, it may be time to postpone or call off the wedding. This decision will never be easy, but it could be the best one to make.

If your relationship is worth working on, taking the pressure of the impending wedding date off the calendar can free you up to grow individually and as a couple. While canceling your wedding can usher in feelings of grief, failure, and embarrassment, it may also open the door for relief, focus, and healing. Those feelings should worked through if you truly want to strengthen a relationship worth saving and let go of a relationship that needed to end.

If you find yourself in a situation where the red flags were warning signs of an unhealthy marriage, you may want to consider individual counseling to help identify areas in your own life where growth would be beneficial. This work on your personal development will make you more likely to pass over future partners who have the same issues and move toward healthier companions both platonic and romantic.

Your wedding day should be the day you commit yourself to a partner you trust, someone you can rely on, and the person you can grow closer to every day – even after conflict. If you can’t enter into that commitment freely and wholeheartedly, it’s okay to push the pause button until you know for sure.

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Learn NFP

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Read Time: 4 minutes

“Why are you making me learn NFP?” 

It’s a question I get a lot in my capacity as the Director of Fertility and Life Ministries for the Diocese of Lansing. Often this question comes from engaged couples going through Marriage Prep, but I also get it from couples referred to me by a priest.

While it’s easy to think this question has a “can’t we just use contraception?” connotation behind it, I’ve found that some faithful Catholics who reject contraception also don’t see value in Natural Family Planning.

Let’s discuss two common reasons couples don’t want to use NFP, and how we can respond:

The first reason is that couples are not familiar with Church teaching about NFP, which may lead to rejection.

The second is that couples don’t plan on using NFP.

Our response to these couples will depend on where they’re coming from, but the foundation is the same. When couples ask why they “have to” learn NFP, highlighting the beauty of how their sexual union images the Holy Trinity is foundational.

Where to Start When Teaching NFP

When I work with couples, I always start with JPII’s Theology of the Body by emphasizing how their union images the Holy Trinity.

God, as we know, IS Love. (1 John 4:16)

He is not maleficent, cruel, or selfish. He does not use or objectify. As such, the Father pours out Himself totally, as a self-gift to the Son. The Son, in turn, actively receives that gift and pours out Himself totally, as a self-gift to the Father. That mutual, eternal love between the two IS the Holy Spirit.

A married couple, in imaging the Holy Trinity, can visualize their union by contemplating how the husband pours himself out totally as a self-gift to his wife. The wife, in turn, actively receives that gift and pours out herself totally as a self-gift to her husband. That mutual love between the two IS (or can be) a child.

Once that foundation is set, I can have a discussion with the couple on why they reject NFP.

I find it’s easiest to convince a contraceptively-minded couple of the beauty of NFP. I used to approach these couples by highlighting the dangers of contraceptives and how women become objectified by them. While that approach often worked, I discovered those couples would eventually stop using NFP once it became difficult or cumbersome. So I switched methods (NFP pun intended).

Their Union Images the Holy Trinity

Now, I start by explaining how their union images the Holy Trinity. Then, we discuss how contraception prevents them from pouring themselves out totally to each other because one of them is withholding their fertility. Next, we talk about Humanae vitae and how we can know (through our reason alone) that sexual intercourse has two ends, procreative and unitive, and to trying to separate the two destroys what sexual intercourse is. It turns it into a different kind of thing.

It’s true that I have a somewhat smaller rate of convincing these couples to choose NFP using this method than I did using the scare-tactic method, but when I follow up with these couples down the road, they are still totally sold on NFP. These couples also tend to use periodic abstinence more successfully than the others do. In short, contraceptively-minded couples respond better to the “why” behind NFP than they do to “contraceptives are dangerous.”

NFP Isn’t Just About Avoiding Pregnancy

Couples who don’t plan on using NFP, however, require a different approach. When a couple comes to me totally sold on the Church’s teaching against contraceptives but then rejects NFP, I still start with how their union Images the Holy Trinity. I show them that part of that is total self-gift to each other, and there may be a time in the future where part of that self-gift is abstinence due to illness or a different serious life event. I then do a little digging to find out where they’re coming from.

Sometimes a couple is actively trying to conceive, or plans to once they’re married, and they view NFP as a type of contraception. For these couples, I explain that NFP isn’t just about avoiding pregnancy. It’s also about conceiving a pregnancy. 75% of couples who use a certain method of NFP conceive within three cycles of trying to get pregnant whereas it can take up to a year without using NFP.

The Postpartum Period

I also make them aware of the fact that it’s more difficult to learn a method of NFP during the postpartum period if they do plan on using it to space pregnancies. The reason for this is that it can take up to a year (sometimes longer) for a woman to start cycling again, and her hormones can make it difficult to track her biomarkers.

Other couples reject NFP, and see it as a type of rejection of God’s gift of children. It is praiseworthy when couples throw themselves fully into the arms of the Lord and decide to accept children without hesitation. In fact, it is what all married couples are called to. However, the use of NFP does not mean that a couple isn’t doing that. All couples should actively discern, “Is God calling me NOT to have a child this cycle?” not the other way around as it is often approached.

Benefits of Learning NFP

I always recommend that a couple learn NFP even if they don’t plan on using it. If someone in the family gets a serious illness or a tragedy happens, then they don’t have to totally abstain during that time or learn an NFP method in the throes of suffering.

In conclusion, we are privileged to work with couples in this most intimate part of their marriage. When a couple comes to us wanting to know why they “have to” learn NFP, it is incumbent upon us to find out where they’re coming from and show them the beauty of their vocation and marital union as it images the Holy Trinity. We can share the benefits of NFP with all couples, even those who don’t plan on using it.

Author: Jenny Ingles, Groesbeck Fertility Care Center

NFP Life™ featuring Dr. Danielle & Kyle Koestner — This six-part video series is an overview, witness, and introduction to the beauty and science of Natural Family Planning. Watch the trailer below and register here.

 

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Convalidation

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Read Time: 4 minutes

“Of course we will do a Catholic marriage service. Do you want to do a Latin Mass?”

This was the first sentence from my Protestant fiancé as we sat down to figure out what our marriage ceremony would look like.

Branden and I had spent the last two days of our fresh engagement basking in the joy of this new chapter and calling our dear ones to share the good news. When we came down from the high of being newly engaged, we sat down to make a game plan for the actual wedding day.

Making Plans for the Wedding

We had secured the date December 5th (but not the 4th because that was already Jay-Z’s birthday), and we knew who we wanted to stand up with us. When I asked Branden what type of ceremony he would want, he surprised me by stating we would have our ceremony within the Catholic Church and even asked about a Latin Mass.

Read more about celebrating the Rite of Marriage here.

I felt so honored and supported, and it was really a significant moment for me in our relationship.

Branden was (and is) a Lutheran pastor. He not only serves a local church, but he is also incredibly involved in many parts of his synod (the Lutheran version of our Catholic diocese).

For him to be fully on board with a Catholic service was a big deal!

While I desired to be married in the Catholic Church, I could see the sacrifices he would be making as an ordained member of his church. Also, nearly all of my dear Catholic friends, colleagues, and connections were over 700 miles away in Minnesota.

Making Choices for Now and Later

After considering both of our strong ties to our churches and that our family and friends were miles apart, we came up with three options:

  1. We could fly to Minnesota and have our ceremony there and do marriage prep online, but then our elderly relatives from Michigan could not attend.
  2. We could have a Lutheran ceremony now to honor the connections to his church and be married in a more intimate Catholic ceremony later, but who would be invited to both?
  3. We could throw our plans to the wind and elope, but we were both pretty sure none of our relatives would support this choice, and we didn’t want to face their wrath after our big day.

We ultimately decided on option #2, and on a beautiful December day, we packed a local Lutheran church with our friends and family while we said our handwritten vows to one another. It was a joyful and prayerful time.

The day was incredibly lovely, and we were so thrilled to be surrounded by this melting pot of people who showered us in love and support.

While that ceremony was a treasured time in our relationship, I was eager to move forward with our marriage in the Catholic Church.

However, we had spent all our planning energy making sure everything was in order for our Lutheran ceremony, and we had no capacity to plan anything else because wedding planning is just A LOT!  Time slipped away from us as we transitioned from engaged to married (which is also A LOT), and planning our Catholic ceremony was placed on the back burner for the next 9 months.

Preparing for Convalidation

In August of that year, I began working as a youth minister at a local Catholic parish. Through various conversations, it came up organically that I wasn’t married in the Catholic Church, and a co-worker lovingly approached me and asked, “Would you prayerfully consider having your marriage convalidated?”

Having an external force bring up my (now buried) desire was exactly what I needed to start planning again.

I brought it up to Branden (who still hadn’t fully recovered from wedding planning), and the idea of planning a second wedding seemed insurmountable to him. I reassured him that this would be a more intimate affair and that the real significance was having our marriage valid in the eyes of my church, the universal Church.

Convalidation is when a civil marriage becomes licit under the Code of Canon law of the Catholic Church.

It’s what brings the sacramental graces into the marriage and fully brings it under the authority of Jesus Christ. These were all factors I knew I wanted and needed for our marriage.

Branden and I both agreed that a healthy marriage needed to be under God’s grace to thrive. However, this was challenging for my Protestant husband.

Why was his church not “valid enough”? I explained it wasn’t a matter of “good enough”, but that these were the instructions of the Catholic Church, a church to which I belonged, and wanted to honor as the church instituted by Christ (this led to a fascinating debate about Luther, Constantine, St. Peter, and various translations of the word “rock”).

Ultimately, we decided to move forward, and we picked a date in May for our marriage to be convalidated.

Experiencing Convalidation

To prepare fully for convalidation, we met several times with our deacon and went through some questions together. We also took the online course Living Our Faith in Love through The Marriage Group. Although we had gone through something similar with the Lutheran church, we felt ourselves encountering new material and addressing some topics with greater depth.

Once the education portion was complete, we had to track down the certificates we received after baptism and confirmation, along with our civil marriage certificate, verifying that neither of us had been previously married. These certificates were inspected by our deacon and then sent to the canon lawyer for our diocese. It took about 4 weeks to have our paperwork processed and approved. Once we got that approval, we were good to go!

On May 27th, we had 8 people gather around us as we met in an Eucharistic chapel with stunning stained glass. Our daughters got to be flower girls again which was the absolute highlight of their day. We read through scripture, our deacon gave a moving homily, and we said our traditional vows as the deacon directed us. Our rings were blessed, and we sealed our marriage with a kiss!

When compared to our Lutheran ceremony, the Catholic wedding was peacefully reverent. While it happened with much less fanfare, I felt the same amount of joy. Being connected and celebrated in the Church brought a fullness to our marriage. Both of our faith traditions were honored, and I got to wear TWO wedding dresses. All in all, we agree that it was a very good decision to have our marriage convalidated.

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My Interfaith Marriage

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Read Time: 3 minutes

The relationship between Protestants and Catholics can range from being ecumenically united to serve as Christ did, to the punchline of a good joke, to full-on violence between the two. Within that spectrum, many interfaith couples have come together and broken apart because of their theological differences. So how did we, as a mixed-race, interfaith, blended family, learn to lovingly edify each other in our walks with Christ?

The Backstory

It was two years after my (arguably) worst relationship when I began to open my heart again and pray for a husband. I had taken time to heal and resumed my intimate walk with the Lord. I felt called and ready to invite God into my desire for a holy man to share my life with. My main criteria for a partner were that he would know and love God, he had to be active in his faith, and that faith had to be his own.

I had no desire to be “unequally yoked” (2 Corinthians 6:14-18), but my heart was open to someone from another Christian denomination.

Two weeks after I opened my heart to pursuit, in walked Branden, who was (and still is) a Lutheran pastor. He blew the other suitors out of the water with his ability to listen actively, his drive to serve God in concrete applications, and his strikingly handsome features (a gift of his Native American heritage).

Branden was baptized as a Lutheran at age 10, very active at Stony Lake Lutheran Summer Camp for over a decade, and became a pastor in 2018. Alternately, I am a cradle Catholic, served with NET Ministries, and spent most of my adult life working for Catholic Churches and with Catholic families.

Coming Together

While our faith backgrounds are uniquely different, they hold enough in common that we could grow together and respect one another. In the early days of our relationship, I asked him what he thought of Mary and the Eucharist, knowing that this would be a make-or-break moment.

He responded with shockingly similar views on the Eucharist, and, regarding Mary, said, “She carried Jesus into the world while facing a lot of hardship, of course she should be respected.”

Being on the same page on the “big” things brings a lot of peace, but our disagreements are also a blessing. In fact, our theological debates and conversations are one of my greatest joys in our relationship. I love that I married a man who has a formal education in theology as well as a personal relationship with Jesus. And he is still constantly learning. Often our evenings end with us sitting in our own chairs (similar to Carl and Ellie in Pixar’s UP) reading our separate spiritual works. This “parallel play” often leads to one of us saying, “Did you___?” and initiating a great conversation.

See Alonna’s article: My Journey with NFP in Real Life

Keeping the Peace

While mutual respect and religious conversations are very present in our faith relationship, there are still points of contention as well. However, these points are often deeper in the weeds, not a matter of salvation. Some common ones we visit are, “Why are there seven sacraments?” or “Was Mary a perpetual virgin?” or “Why would Sola Scriptura be valid?”

I feel like I can safely assume these are common questions in a Catholic and Protestant household.

No matter what disagreements we encounter, my husband and I hold fast to the mission that we want to love each other well as we spend our time on earth being the hands and feet of our savior Jesus.

Serving in Unity

Our unified goal of loving and serving Jesus is essential for the health and success of our relationship. It is how we can come together and see that while we have differences, our common ground is broader than the points we don’t see eye to eye on.

We’ve also been able to compromise graciously. We attend both a Catholic Church and the Lutheran church where he serves. We tithe to both, and we support both NET Ministries and Stony Lake Lutheran Summer Camp. We respected each other’s traditions when we were dating, and we prayerfully incorporated both churches into our marriage in significant ways…but more on that to come.

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My Journey With NFP in Real Life

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Read Time: 3 minutes

From single, to used, to married…

My journey with NFP in real life has been anything but linear.

A loop-de-loop would be a more appropriate term.

Even before marriage, I was encouraged by a Catholic mentor to proactively begin charting my menstrual cycles. Learning about my body’s cyclical nature was empowering, and it helped me discover my PCOS diagnosis! It was also fascinating to become aware of the intricacies of God’s design for a woman’s body.

Unfortunately, there was a time in my life when that knowledge was completely discarded, and what had started as an insightful journey was exchanged for someone else’s pleasure.

Trading NFP and Chastity for a Toxic Relationship

In my early twenties, I joyfully moved to the Twin Cities in Minnesota to pursue my master’s degree and be closer to my boyfriend. After five months in a big city far from home, my application was denied, and I was single.

During this low season, I met a man that I KNEW was no good for me, but it felt so nice to have some playful dates to take my mind off of the heartache I felt. However, it wasn’t long until things took a drastic turn.

This man quickly revealed that he could be both manipulative and controlling, and I felt swept along in a current that I couldn’t get out of. Before long, we were having a one-sided sexual relationship. I threw my years of charting and learning about my body out the window when he wanted sex. He had no interest in Natural Family Planning (NFP) and would put on a condom while he proceeded to use me.

It was dehumanizing, on many levels. This behavior continued for several months, and it wasn’t until I became pregnant (with twins!) that I made a heartfelt return to God, and He equipped me with the courage to escape.

Relearning Healthy Sexuality

Fast forward a few years (and several stories) later, and the twins and I are in a safe space. I became reacquainted with myself by resuming charting and learning my body’s new patterns (because postpartum can look different!). I also met the wonderful man who would become my husband.

When we began dating, I was very clear that NFP was important to me, and I invited him to explore it as well. He was open-minded and so supportive even though NFP was new to him.

After our marriage, it bolstered my confidence even more to see how he actively observed what my body was doing and participated alongside me in the journey of NFP.

While trying to conceive (TTC), there would be hilarious times when he would read the ClearBlue monitor and exclaim “It says peak!” as he hoisted me right back into the bed.

Reclaiming My Sexuality

Now, my husband and I have been learning to work together to discern whether we should try to wait (TTW) or TTC.

My body is respected and listened to, and as a result I feel more at home in my body.

I still grieve for the times in the past when I allowed myself to be used, but I also rejoice in how I am currently being honored.

Upon further reflection, I praise God for how He redeemed a situation that was not His will and turned it into a path for two people to come together in a way that respects His design for life.

NFP Life™ featuring Dr. Danielle & Kyle Koestner — This six-part video series is an overview, witness, and introduction to the beauty and science of Natural Family Planning. Watch the trailer below and register here.

 

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Common Questions About NFP

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Read Time: 4 minutes

There is a lot of excitement when you first get engaged. It can be a very thrilling season of life, but it also includes a big checklist of things to do. Depending on the length of your engagement, you’ll either be in a rush or have some time to complete everything. Either way, one thing that needs to be on your list is learning about Natural Family Planning or NFP.

Learning about NFP can be a daunting task. There are a lot of different methods out there to pick from and a multitude of opportunities to learn about them. You’ll have to make sure you fulfill all the requirements your diocese and parish require and decide whether you’ll take a course in-person or online.

With all this searching and decision-making, you may find yourself thinking about questions that you feel nervous or afraid to ask. No worries! There are no questions you cannot ask.

Allow us to get the “awkwardness” out of the way.

Here are some of the common questions couples have about Natural Family Planning:

Do we have to practice NFP?

The answer here is “yes” and “no”. Practicing NFP is a very personal decision that every couple has to make together. There are a lot of different methods you can practice, and making the decision as a team is important for building a strong foundation for intimacy in your marriage.

With that said, maybe one or both of you do not feel you need to practice NFP or don’t want to.

There are many reasons couples feel this way. Some feel they want to be totally open and let God do the deciding for them. Other couples simply don’t believe in it. If you’re unsure about using a natural method, make sure you voice your concerns with your NFP teacher or the priest, deacon, or family life director walking you through marriage prep.

Am I going to get pregnant right away if we use NFP?

This is a myth. There are a lot of people out there who believe using a natural method does not work and you will end up with tons and tons of children. This is not the case. If you need to avoid pregnancy when you first get married, and you are using a method of NFP, there is a good chance you will be successful.

No method is perfect, but if you start practicing your chosen method several months before your wedding and feel comfortable and confident with it, you really should be successful. There is a saying in the NFP community, “You know when you are fertile on any given day.” That knowledge can help you determine the perfect time to start a family and delay it if necessary.

Isn’t NFP too hard?

NFP does have its ups and downs, just like life. A woman’s body changes with the seasons of her life, which means her natural cycles change from time to time as well.

There will be times when you know exactly what is happening with your cycle, and there will be other times when it’s difficult to interpret. Either way, you just can have faith and avoid living in fear. Living in fear, or constantly feeling like you’re struggling, can hinder your success with NFP.

If you’re having a hard time with NFP, maybe you need to switch to a different method or connect with other couples and discuss your issues. Some methods have practitioners you can work with one-on-one: use those practitioners to your advantage, they are there to help you. NFP teaches us to turn our negative motivations into positive ones.

None of my friends or family use NFP, so how do I explain it to them?

First and foremost, it doesn’t matter what other people are doing. That may sound harsh, but it is true. Ultimately, you are doing what is best for your marriage and your overall health by using NFP.

That is the truest explanation; you are doing the best thing for you.

Your friends and family may not agree or understand, and that is okay. This could be your chance to educate them and maybe even change their hearts. It may be best to pass along the links to classes or websites you’ve learned from, and let them research for themselves. The bottom line: do not decide to use Natural Family Planning based on the opinions of others; make the choice for you and your spouse.

Ask and Ask Again

When it comes to using Natural Family Planning, you may have many more questions. It can be confusing and even intimidating at the beginning, but do not be afraid to ask questions and keep asking.

You are making a big decision for your marriage and future family.

If you need help making the right choice, there are great resources available online. Your parish and/or diocese can also help you research the best Natural Family Planning solution for your family.

Author: Daria Bailey, Groesbeck Fertility Care Center

NFP Life™ featuring Dr. Danielle & Kyle Koestner — This six-part video series is an overview, witness, and introduction to the beauty and science of Natural Family Planning. Watch the trailer below and register here.

 

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Looking for a Parish Community

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Read Time: 2 minutes

A Message to Newlyweds

Congratulations on your wedding!

The two of you have entered a lifetime covenant by joining your lives in the sacred union of marriage. Even though this may sound very scary and challenging, you are not alone on this journey! You have so many people praying for you. Family and friends can be great support, but you also need the support of a parish community!

A parish community can be a great source of companionship on the journey you have just begun as a family. The beauty of joining a parish community and finding other like-minded families, is that you and your whole family can develop friendships that may last a lifetime.

Maybe you don’t have a parish community yet, and the church where you celebrated your wedding is not your parish. These are the things you need to consider before joining a parish community:

  • Worship style: Different parishes offer different styles of music, prayer, etc. Find the parish that offers what you like in terms of liturgy, prayer, and music.
  • Number of parishioners: Some parishes are huge in numbers, and they have several Masses throughout the weekend. Other parishes are very small, ‘everyone knows everyone’. Where do you feel more comfortable?
  • Ministries/groups: Look at that parish’s bulletin or website, and see if they offer ministries, groups, or activities for families or young couples.

Once you have reflected and prayed about these aspects, the following steps will help you find the right parish community:

  1. First and foremost, look at what’s nearby, look at where you live, and identify the parishes that are nearby.
  2. Visit those parishes by going to Sunday Mass. After you have visited a few parishes in your area, identify where you felt most welcomed and which one offered a more supportive environment for your family.
  3. Pick up the parish bulletin, visit their website. Introduce yourself to the pastor and/or the Family Life Minister.
  4. Walk around the church after Mass, see if they have coffee and donuts or breakfast, or a place where the community gathers before/after Mass. This is a great way to get to know other families in the area.
  5. Join a Bible study group, prayer group, couples’ group, etc. Become active in your parish!

Finding the right parish community is important for a newlywed couple because it will provide a place where you do more than worship on Sundays. Your parish should be the place where your faith as a newly established family will grow and flourish.

Peace and Blessings as you begin your journey!

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Book Review – The Good, The Messy, and The Beautiful

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Read Time: 3 minutes

Book Title: The Good, The Messy, and the Beautiful

Authors: Dr. Edward and Beth Sri

Book Review

Who Should Read It?

This book is great for engaged or married couples who want to learn from the experience of a couple married over 20 years. It’s written from the co-authors’ (Edward and Beth) personal perspective and feels like you are engaging in an open, honest, and thoughtful conversation with them about different aspects of marriage.

“God wants to meet us in the messiness of ordinary married life.”

What You’ll Learn:

  • How to determine if you’re being unrealistic about what marriage is and how it will benefit your life.
  • The Catholic definition of love.
  • The real power of the sacrament of Matrimony.
  • What married life looks like in everyday life.
  • How your selfishness will affect your marriage.
  • How to recognize true intimacy and encourage its growth.
  • What Christ can teach you about himself through your marriage.

Why is It relevant?

Edward and Beth have communicated some of the simplest yet profound aspects of the marital relationship, things that couples who discover them know by intuition yet struggle to work into everyday conversation with other couples. This insight comes from a combination of their education, devotion, and circumstances, along with a keen observance of their own human natures and their response to God’s grace.

The book is a dialogue that Catholic couples in all stages of relationships should be having, and it will provide plenty of fuel for growth-inspiring conversations between couples who read and contemplate it together.

“Only God can take us to that next level of union and love called marriage.”

How Does the Authors’ Insight Illuminate the Topic?

Honest – Edward relates personal stories with openness and accepts responsibility for his role in the marriage. His revelations offer hope, not shame, and he positions himself as a student, always learning.

“I realized that the main way I help Beth get to heaven has little to do with my high ideals of being a great Catholic husband and spiritual leader of the home. The main way I actually help Beth get to heaven is this: every day of her life, Beth has to deal with me!”

Realistic – Beth doesn’t shy away from talking about the hard aspects of mothering, the never-ending piles of laundry and wearisome moments with crying or vomiting children, but she doesn’t leave the reader there. After courageously sharing those and other difficult aspects of motherhood and marriage, she guides the conversation back to Jesus.

“… when I die to my personal comfort, interests, and desires in order to give myself away in love to my spouse and children, I don’t lose in the end. My life is more deeply enriched. I am learning to love like Christ loves.”

If You Only Read One Chapter:

Chapter 13 – First Things First: Giving Your Best to Your Vocation

The Heart of the Matter:

Even after nearly 27 years of marriage, I was reminded while reading The Good, the Messy, and the Beautiful that my husband and I are still continuing to grow in our ability to love one another like Jesus loves.

My biggest takeaway was tucked away in the book’s conclusion: there is a font of grace available to married couples.

Like the Sri’s, my husband and I have been purified through many challenges over the years, and we know there are many more to come. The purification process has made our marriage strong, forged a loyal friendship, and enabled trust-filled intimacy. However, there are still impurities that need to rise to the surface and be scraped away. The work of God’s grace in our marriage is ongoing, and receiving it will enable us to love more, give more, share more.

I’m grateful to the Sri’s for reminding me of Christ’s active presence in our marriage, and I believe this book is a valuable tool for building a strong understanding of the realities and beauty of marriage in any stage of life.

“By freely choosing to give up our freedom to do whatever we want, we discover an even greater freedom: the freedom to love.”

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Pray Fast Give

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Read Time: 2 minutes

As we near the middle of the Lenten season, couples may find themselves in a variety of positions. Some have experienced greater connection as they practice the spiritual disciplines of prayer and fasting together, some may be experiencing conflict if one partner has proved to be more devoted than the other, and some may feel that they haven’t made many changes at all – the Lenten season may just be business as usual.

Regardless of where you find yourselves, it’s never too late to recommit yourself to prayer, fasting, and charity. Here are some simple tips for practicing the three basic principles of Lent as a couple.

Pray

Praying together as a couple requires trust and vulnerability. If this is an area that you and your spouse have achieved intimacy, then setting aside time to pray during Lent is important. This is also a great time to create a prayer calendar or prayer list, so you can be more intentional about this time.

The USCCB has a downloadable prayer calendar HERE that can help you focus and inspire your prayers.

If praying together is new for you, or only one of you is comfortable praying, a great way to get started is by using the Hallow app. This app includes directed daily prayers for Lent along with multiple options for praying through scripture, praying the rosary, or meditating on the writings of the saints. This is a wonderful way for couples to quietly come together in prayer while being led by fellow Catholics.

Fast

One of the beautiful benefits of fasting is the way it creates space for spiritual growth. Setting aside earthly pleasures in the form of food, entertainment, and activity can open your heart and your schedule to God. Couples can fast together by refraining from the same things or by supporting one another in their chosen fasts. They can also make time for solitude so they each have time alone with God.

Fasting isn’t just about abstaining from something; it is also about using the absence of something we find pleasure in to create a longing for God. Prayer goes hand-in-hand with fasting because it is the perfect place to find refuge when your desire for comfort isn’t being met by your favorite food, game, or app. Couples can support each other by acknowledging the challenges they may face while fasting and encouraging one another to persevere.

Give

There are so many wonderful ways to give during the Lenten season. Lent may also be the perfect time to reflect on what you do to make giving a permanent part of your life. While fasting, you may discover a surplus in your budget because you’re spending patterns have changed, and in prayer, you may have felt a pull to a specific cause or group of people in your community.

Giving that’s inspired by prayer and fasting feels different from obligatory offerings, and couples who make a plan for giving can experience a lot of joy when they give of their time and/or money together. Lent is the perfect time for couples to reflect on what their response will be to God’s amazing grace.

A Time for Renewal

Whether this is your first Lent together as a couple or one of many, we pray it’s a time of renewal for each of you as individuals and also as a family. We also pray that through prayer, fasting, and giving, you are drawn nearer to your parish community and given a fresh desire to celebrate the sacraments.

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