The Prayer of St. Francis for Couples
When looking for advice on handling marital conflict, sometimes the answer is in the simplest place. It may be a single line of scripture,
[And] be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another as God has forgiven you in Christ. – Ephesians 4:32
…or a question from your 4-year-old, “Mommy, why are you being mean to Daddy?”
Rarely are the everyday conflicts in relationships too complicated for a few simple principles that have been laid out in God’s word or in the prayers of the Church. Trouble comes when we don’t resolve these issues and instead pile them up and allow them to become resentments that fester for years.
The Prayer of St. Francis
One of the most beautiful prayers of the Church is the Prayer of St. Francis.
It’s a call to think outwardly about one’s effect on the world and a plea for God’s strength to put the needs of others above our own. St. Francis’s prayer can be applied to every interpersonal relationship we have along with one’s role as a neighbor, Church member, and global citizen. It is especially poignant for married couples.
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace…
When your marriage reaches a place of conflict, and it will, you will have to consciously decide whether you are going to ignore it or resolve it. The Prayer of St. Francis suggests that God can actually use you as a tool, an instrument, to repair it. Like a hammer on a shelf or a piano alone in the corner of a room, an instrument must receive action from outside itself in order to fulfill its purpose. That St. Francis chose to ask God to make him an instrument is significant, and its implication for us during times of conflict can bring a sigh of relief.
The first line of the prayer positions God in the action seat and the one praying as the implement of His will. If we are the instrument, then He is the one who does the hard work; we simply yield to His will. This takes the pressure off us to fix the problem by ourselves, and it reminds us that we have a Helper who will guide us toward His will for our relationships.
What is His will?
It’s described in detail in the following lines:
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
Is it really that bad?
If you’re not currently experiencing marital or relational conflict, it may seem extreme to apply the words hatred, despair, and darkness to your relationship, but all those who have walked in a marriage for some time know how quickly emotions can shift and a loving relationship can get messy.
This section of the prayer can help us when we’re not feeling loving, when we’re not experiencing the giddy, warm, and lighthearted joy of our relationship with our partners. It reminds us that we need to sow, or actively work at, love…even when we don’t feel it.
It also helps us examine what the root of the conflict may be. Are we hurt by our partner? Are we having a hard time trusting them? Are we anxious about the relationship? Do we feel depressed, or are we discontent with our circumstances? All of these questions are variations of injury, doubt, despair, darkness, and sadness, and all of them can be healed with forgiveness, faith, hope, light, and joy.
How do we do that?
Conflict resolution in relationships isn’t one-sided, and it takes action from both parties to move forward in a healthy relationship. It’s possible to cultivate this together and make it part of your relationship’s culture. It’s also incredibly likely that you will eventually face something that causes a conflict beyond your ability to resolve without outside help from a mentor, counselor, or clergy member. That’s simply a reality of life and not a sign that your relationship isn’t strong or good.
Working through conflict on a regular basis will help you identify the times when you do need outside help. You’ll develop a pattern of resolving issues when they arise, and you’ll build an understanding of yourselves as a couple along with your strengths and weaknesses in this area.
Forgiving one another, having faith in each other, being hopeful that you can get through things, shedding light on your problems instead of hiding them, and choosing joy are all active measures that St. Francis’s prayer indicates that God can help us apply to our conflicts. Meditating on each line of this prayer when we’re in conflict will position us to receive God’s grace in these areas.
How does God do that?
The ways God moves and changes us when we pray are still a mystery, but the next section of St. Francis’s prayer sheds some light on how He works in us:
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.
There is an aspect of all humans that is totally focused on themselves as the primary and most significant part of every story. In conflicts, we will automatically see our own perspective as most important, our own hurt as the most significant. We will demand that others validate our perceptions and apologize in a way that connects with our sense of justice.
However, this section of the Prayer of St. Francis flips the script on our need to be seen and heard. It asks us to consider others as more in need than ourselves, as more deserving of consolation, understanding, and love, and it tells us that if we give to them first, and pardon them for their sins against us (which may actually feel like a part of our selfish nature is dying), that we will experience new life. All it requires is that we initiate the process and allow God to help us fulfill it.
Before we begin to bristle at the lack of fairness this may imply (I mean, why do we have to act first, and how do we know our partner is going to reciprocate?), we need to remember that as human beings we are both the offender and the offended, the one who injures and the one who is hurt. We are the one who misunderstands others, and we are the one who feels misunderstood. We are in conflict because we cause conflict. We are not innocent.
Missing this important aspect of your effect on the world around you will keep you isolated from others in a way that is detrimental to all of your relationships, especially in your marriage. If you cannot see your own need for grace and forgiveness, you will never be able to offer those gifts to others with any amount of authenticity. Knowing your own faults, and understanding God’s grace for you, will inspire you to pray for His grace for others.
What if it doesn’t work?
When you’ve reached a point while praying this prayer that you feel God has moved you to a place of peace, it’s natural to assume your partner will join in and everything will wonderfully resolve. Unfortunately, conflict resolution is hard work, and every conflict is different. You may solve a huge problem quickly in one month while a smaller one grates on your happiness for weeks. Just keep moving forward and persevere. Get outside help if you need it, but take heart, conflict and working through things on a regular basis is part of a healthy relationship.
Carrying the spiritual practices you have during hard times, such as praying the Prayer of St. Francis, into times of peace can preemptively ward off future conflicts. The Prayer of St. Francis keeps our humanity in the forefront, reminding us of our tendency to see ourselves first and foremost in every situation, and it shows us that we need God’s action in our lives to make us people of grace and peace.
Becoming an instrument of God’s peace in the world is a lifelong process, and it’s a worthy pursuit if we truly value the people He has put in our lives. Allowing Him to change us makes us better spouses, parents, friends, and neighbors, and it’s through those relationships that He will spread His love throughout the world.
Are we hurt by our partner? Are we having a hard time trusting them? Are we anxious about the relationship? Do we feel depressed, or are we discontent with our circumstances?
Let us pray…
The Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.
A Prayer for Married Couples
Inspired by the Prayer of St. Francis
By Jessie Wiegand
Lord, help me embody your peace in my marriage;
When I feel numb, warm my heart to my partner.
When I feel wronged, help me reach out with forgiveness.
When anxiety consumes me, give me courage to face reality.
When I’m afraid we’ll never make it, show me that we can persevere.
When I am depressed, open my eyes to your truth.
When I am discontent, assure me that we have all we need.
King of the Universe,
Make my arms a refuge to my partner’s brokenness;
My ears, a haven to their worries and cares,
And my heart, a sanctuary for their hopes and dreams.
Remind me and assure me that
When I act first, You provide safety;
When I reach out, You extend grace.
And it’s when I fully surrender myself that You make me One with my partner.
Amen.
