March 2023 - The Marriage Group

Read Time: 2 minutes

As we near the middle of the Lenten season, couples may find themselves in a variety of positions. Some have experienced greater connection as they practice the spiritual disciplines of prayer and fasting together, some may be experiencing conflict if one partner has proved to be more devoted than the other, and some may feel that they haven’t made many changes at all – the Lenten season may just be business as usual.

Regardless of where you find yourselves, it’s never too late to recommit yourself to prayer, fasting, and charity. Here are some simple tips for practicing the three basic principles of Lent as a couple.

Pray

Praying together as a couple requires trust and vulnerability. If this is an area that you and your spouse have achieved intimacy, then setting aside time to pray during Lent is important. This is also a great time to create a prayer calendar or prayer list, so you can be more intentional about this time.

The USCCB has a downloadable prayer calendar HERE that can help you focus and inspire your prayers.

If praying together is new for you, or only one of you is comfortable praying, a great way to get started is by using the Hallow app. This app includes directed daily prayers for Lent along with multiple options for praying through scripture, praying the rosary, or meditating on the writings of the saints. This is a wonderful way for couples to quietly come together in prayer while being led by fellow Catholics.

Fast

One of the beautiful benefits of fasting is the way it creates space for spiritual growth. Setting aside earthly pleasures in the form of food, entertainment, and activity can open your heart and your schedule to God. Couples can fast together by refraining from the same things or by supporting one another in their chosen fasts. They can also make time for solitude so they each have time alone with God.

Fasting isn’t just about abstaining from something; it is also about using the absence of something we find pleasure in to create a longing for God. Prayer goes hand-in-hand with fasting because it is the perfect place to find refuge when your desire for comfort isn’t being met by your favorite food, game, or app. Couples can support each other by acknowledging the challenges they may face while fasting and encouraging one another to persevere.

Give

There are so many wonderful ways to give during the Lenten season. Lent may also be the perfect time to reflect on what you do to make giving a permanent part of your life. While fasting, you may discover a surplus in your budget because you’re spending patterns have changed, and in prayer, you may have felt a pull to a specific cause or group of people in your community.

Giving that’s inspired by prayer and fasting feels different from obligatory offerings, and couples who make a plan for giving can experience a lot of joy when they give of their time and/or money together. Lent is the perfect time for couples to reflect on what their response will be to God’s amazing grace.

A Time for Renewal

Whether this is your first Lent together as a couple or one of many, we pray it’s a time of renewal for each of you as individuals and also as a family. We also pray that through prayer, fasting, and giving, you are drawn nearer to your parish community and given a fresh desire to celebrate the sacraments.

Read Time: 4 minutes

In 2022, we were blessed to serve over 6,000 engaged Catholic couples from 72 countries around the world.

We recently reflected on the data collected from our course participants, and we saw a marked difference in a couple of key areas. As ministry leaders, you have likely experienced these changing demographics in your work with couples.

Here are a few things we learned about how the pandemic changed engaged Catholic couples, and how that affects marriage and family life ministry.

Average Ages:

Bride: 30
Groom: 32

What changed: The average age of both has increased by 1 year. This number has been rising steadily in the U.S. since the early 2000s when brides were around 25 and grooms were around 26. The average age is only slightly lower for Catholic couples than it is for the general population.

Engagement Length:

Average: 642 days

The length of engagement is significantly longer than in previous years. In the past, the average was around 500 days. This is due to postponed and rescheduled weddings because of COVID-19.

Location:

Same Location: 83%
Different Locations: 5%
Combination: 12%

More couples are using our programs from the same location. Our online courses are being used for a variety of reasons by couples who are not separated by distance.

Living Situation:

We live separately: 28%
We have been living together for more than a year: 51%
We have been living together for less than a year: 14%
I’d rather not say: 7%

More couples are cohabitating than in past years. Our data shows that at least 65% of couples were cohabitating, and it could be closer to 72%. This was the most significant change in our post-pandemic data, and we believe it directly affects all areas of marriage and family life ministry.

How Should We Respond?

With the increase of engaged couples cohabitating, what is our responsibility? It’s clear that those preparing Catholic couples for marriage are at the front lines of this phenomenon. It’s also clear that this trend has been steadily increasing over the years, and the pandemic only exacerbated it.

The United States Catholic Conference addressed this issue in 1999 when almost half of engaged couples were cohabitating. In the Report on New Realities of Pastoral Practices (https://www.usccb.org/topics/marriage-and-family-life-ministries/marriage-preparation-and-cohabiting-couples), the USCC stated:

Those who choose to marry instead of continuing to cohabit are the “good news” in a culture that is increasingly anti-marriage. Those cohabiting couples who move to marriage seem to be the “best risk” of a high-risk group: they have fewer risk factors than those cohabitors who choose not to marry. Even so, they still divorce at a rate 50% higher than couples who have never cohabited. They are a high-risk group for divorce and their special risk factors need to be identified and addressed, especially at the time of marriage preparation, if the couples are to build solid marriages.

The Report continues by reminding those preparing couples for marriage that this is a teachable moment. It is “an opportunity for evangelization and catechesis.”

Cohabitating couples inevitably approach marriage with habits that could lead to higher divorce rates, infidelity, and conflict; it’s the responsibility of those preparing couples for marriage to address those issues during marriage prep. The USCC Report urges clergy and lay ministers to avoid the extremes of harshly condemning couples for cohabitation or ignoring the issue altogether.

Discussing Cohabitation During Marriage Prep: Approaching Couples With Curiosity

Since it’s clear that we will all be ministering to an increased number of cohabitating couples, how could we approach the topic in a way that leads couples toward a more sacred view of marriage and commitment?

The advice found in the USCC’s report reminds us that curiosity is the key to opening up an honest conversation with couples.

Encourage the couple to reflect on their situation and why they decided to cohabit and to provide insights into possible consequences, factors that may present special challenges to them, or put them at risk for later marital disruption.

Asking good questions will not only provide insight into the couple’s character, beliefs, and habits, it will also enable them to explore how those things may affect their future marriage. Asking those questions with the spirit of understanding and an honest desire to see the couple reconciled to God, the Church, and one another can help them learn where they may have gone astray and accept the call to return to Catholic teaching on marriage and family life.

Moving Forward With Today’s Couples

Although these statistics aren’t what we hoped to see, we recognize that this is the reality of life for the couples we serve. In light of this data, The Marriage Group is looking for thoughtful and innovative ways to address these changing demographics in a way that honors Catholic teaching and promotes the gospel truths of love, mercy, and grace.

We also pray for your ministry to couples, acknowledging the many conversations that you have with cohabitating couples and the tension you may feel between honoring the standard God has called you to uphold and the current state of relationships in our parishes.

For more information on this topic, we recommend the USCC’s Report on New Realities of Pastoral Practices available here: (https://www.usccb.org/topics/marriage-and-family-life-ministries/marriage-preparation-and-cohabiting-couples)

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Learn more HERE.

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